Friday, March 15, 2013

Day 25 60 Days of repellent...

Maybe I should have titled this blog "How NOT to attract everything you want into  your life."
Or better yet "60 days of repellent"
I hope you guys are learning from me. I never set out to tout myself as a master, not just yet.
This is a demonstration of trial by fire. I hope my beautiful devout readers get that.
Here is what I have learned so far:

Letting go and letting God is a lot harder that it might seem. It is almost impossible not to observe your reality and think, how the hell is this possibly going to be OK?
It's difficult to see the Divine in a loved one who is being (what I perceive ) a selfish ass, never mind holding a space for love, compassion and healing when what you really what you want to do is smack them.  I need to give birth, and I want to go home and be in the arms of my baby daddy and yet again, talks seem to have fallen apart. Why? Because I am trying to get my agenda met.

It's difficult not to place conditions on a situation, and by situation I mean a person in your life who is not behaving or giving you what you think you need, in an attempt to give yourself the perception that you have some control. Let's face it, you don't. And apparently neither do I.

What am I going to do about this? I am going to surrender to the fact, that maybe it won't work out the way I had hoped. Maybe it won't ever be the way I think it should be, or what I think I want it to be. Maybe it will be completely different. Maybe I will be abducted by aliens tomorrow and none if this shit will matter. Maybe I have won the lottery, or pigs will fly or Matt McConaughy will show up in Whistler and declare his undying love for me... (it could happen)  I am going to take the attachment off the outcome of it all together. Because the fact is, I can't predict the outcome.
And I can't make someone else want what I want, or be ready to forgive or let go or do anything for that matter.

 I am going to get into the moment, every moment and ask my self the question "In this moment, is there anything wrong?" Well let's see...  In this very moment I am sitting on my bed with my doggy snoring beside me, taking my therapy with this laptop and enjoying the knowing that there are lovely, beautiful souls out there who will get a kick out of this material as soon as I hit "publish". Nothing is wrong in this now moment. I would have to either go into the past, or into some potential future to be able to find something wrong.

 Every time a thought pops into my head that has some sort of time frame or condition, and by condition I mean "If he doesn't (fill in the blank) by such and such a time or in such and such a way, or say such and such, then I will be left no choice but to do xyz.

Will the world end if today I don't have the answers to my questions within the time frame that I have set forth? If I reached my "deadline" and nothing was resolved, what would happen? Probably nothing really. Hell, I can pop out a kid almost anywhere, millions of women do it every day.
I will go through the worst case scenario in my mind, and ask myself, could I live with that? What are the reasons for the "decisions" I would be forced to carry out and what would be the cost of my ultimatum? Will it get me what I want in the long term? Who would I be? I think you would find, upon closer examination that, in fact the world wouldn't end, and you would be you, and it probably isn't going to get you any closer to what you want, probably quite the contrary. Again, listen to your cognitive brain, and then call bullshit. It's purpose, is to illuminate the expansion your inner being is calling you to; not to tell you the truth.

For today I will question all my conditional thoughts and give myself an opportunity to come up with alternate choices for responding and some alternate solutions, or alternate probabilities for my assumptions and take the resistance off a little. Does that fact he is taking longer to process mean he doesn't love me? It probably means he is scared and he needs to come to terms with some do I need to take it personally or blackmail, or guilt him into getting on board? Is that going to give me the relationship I want? It hasn't worked so far.

 Abraham-hicks says that there are more that 30,000 opportunities for you to align with anything you could ever want all around you at any given time. You just have to align yourself to the frequency of it. So what is it that I want, really? Is it really that I want Darren to co-operate with my timeline? In the way or with the words that I have determined appropriate? Or, is it the feeling of love, and well being and security and togetherness that I am wanting. To feel at home in the arms of someone who loves me and my baby. It's not my job to figure out the how, and or when or maybe even the who, the universe is lining up, (Matt could give me that...)  there may be all kinds of other options for me and baby. I just have to stay in the feeling of having it, and let go of the who, what, when, where, and how.

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