Friday, March 29, 2013

Day 32 Divine timing is calling... answer!

It's been a few days since I posted, as I have been slightly in limbo land again...
I woke up the other morning and something inside knew it was time to go back to the city.
I didn't really know what I was going to. although I did know where... I had to trust that this was a calling that needed to be answered and I would figure it out as it all unfolded before me.
It's OK sometimes, to not have a plan...

I started with..."maybe I will go down to the city for a few days... I'll come back and get my things later" and as I started to pack, I literally didn't stop until everything including all the bedding and room decor was ready to go... OK, I guess this is more than a few day...

The birth of this little boy is only 9 weeks away. My need to nest and figure things out in my relationship with his father is weighing heavily. Over the past few days, I had the realization that I have been sending out a lot of conflicting messages during this whole situation, and thus, was left to wonder.. could it possibly be the reason for my slow progress to a succesful reunion?
The mind that operates the heart is hoping for a reconciliation, healing of the relationship and a way back to a happy family life. But I noticed that the half that operates the mouth/email is losing her shit on a regular basis. I can't seem to get it consistent.

In my prayers and yoga classes I am holding the vision of me being back with Darren and bringing our son into the world together, but my moves to get in front of him and talk about it come out sounding more like a demand to retrieve everything I own so I can move on with my life.... no wonder he is confused and stonewalling me. In my defense, the ultimatums and tantrums usually come after several failed attempts at communication, but I am sure had I been a little bit better at not trying to control the outcome so much, I might have been more successful at talks... the flip side of that however, is that he is being a totally stubborn brooding jerk. What the fuck. I am not mother Theresa, queen of unconditional love either...but apparently I have to get my message clear, to commit to that, only speak of that, only think of that, and act only in accordance to that. So what is that??

I walked away from that paragraph for a few hours, because I just couldn't answer that question... and a few things occurred to me whilst I was away. Sometimes its all about asking a good question. Is what I really want, and the messages I am actually sending; through my thoughts and actions, one and the same?
Ask the right questions and let the subconscious feed the answers to your concious, and let me tell you, the answer was a painful and bitter pill... I have been a total hypocrite. Why, oh why, do make things so complicated?

I have been bitching and complaining to myself that this relationship will never work because what I want in a relationship is full disclosure, not concealment... direct and open communication, transparency and trust. I have been convinced that he was the problem.. and he is, but he is not the only one.

It occurred to me that every time I have executed a love ambush or tried to initiate some "face-time" it was always under the guise of needed to get my things "out" of the house, when all I really want is to see him.... (not very transparent, direct or honest)... if that was me, and Darren left me and moved to another town and he was like... I love you, lets work it out in one breath, and I'm coming over to move more stuff out, in the next... I'd be fucking slow to respond too.

Since Tuesday I have been here at Jane's, 10 blocks from my house. I have been basically demanding he help move my bed and other stuff over here. He has been been kind of a dick and avoiding me (because he doesn't really want that, and neither do I, but of course he doesn't actually say it, that would be honest direct and yes, risky...risky, because it makes one vulnerable to rejection) but his lack of response triggers me, because what I really want is just to see him, not move, and now I am feeling vulnerable and rejected. So I lose my shit. Retarded I know.

Know wonder he doesn't like picking up the phone.. so he avoids it, and then I lose it, and then the conversations go to him being evasive, and secretive and won't answer my questions about where he has been or why he won't talk to me... I'm sure because he feels pissed off and insecure and unsure of where I am coming from and then I get mad, because he isn't saying what I want him to say, and by that I mean... "babe, I love you please just come home..." but he is being as much of a scared douche bag as I am...

My BF Jane, who has always been my wisest  council... she is one of those friends who never judges, and always seems to give the most insightful advice. If you are lucky enugh to have one of these in your life, know that they are an irreplaceable, and indispensable. She is to me, who Gayle King is to Oprah.
She said, "dude, you go to crazy lengths, execute operation "love ambushes" and do all this meditation and healing working it out, but every conversation you have with him comes out completely the opposite." Shit.

The truth is, I am afraid. I am afraid to just ask for what I want, because what if I get flat out rejected?
It's so much easier just to be defensive, or create a rouse instead of saying "hey babe, lets talk...I'm coming to town to see you, and I will stay at Jane's until we work it out or not." Do I do that??? No.

That would be honest, transparent, full disclosure, with no hidden agenda, manipulation or blackmail ... all the things I have been hypocritically judging him for being.... So why, you ask? Why do we bring the exact things we don't want into our relationships, and expect somethings else in return?

Well, one reason is, no risk.  In fact its a sure thing... to not get what you really want.
I have been telling Darren that I am coming back to town to go live with Jane...and not "I am coming back to town because I love you and need you and feel like it's time to talk... no, I tell him its so I can see the midwife, so I have support from family, to move in with Jane... every other reason in the world other than the one that is the biggest and also the one I am most afraid of... losing him. This whole entire time I thought my intentions and my message was clear, that I was being honest and he was being manipulative and controlling. I just swallowed a load of crow.

New approach ... Jane says, why don't you just text him this "hey babe, let's get together, not talk, just have crazy monkey sex... " I was like, I hear you and I like it... but I'll take a slightly less pervy approach, (as I am in a family way and all... ) so I said: "Babe, I know I have been demanding my bed and stuff, but what I really want, is just to see you. Can we just go for a walk and talk... before we make any permanent decisions? I love you." I realized at that moment that this was the kind of open transparency I have been wanting... ding dong. I am not going to lie, if felt scary... I was putting my authentic self out there, no threats, no ultimatums... It's not that easy or obvious sometimes, where you need to shift your vantage point.  Don't be afraid to ask yourself the tough questions... what you are complaining loudest and longest about in someone else is probably exactly what you are bringing to the situation yourself... are you being the love, or abundance you want to have your life? Because you get the love you give... every time, no exceptions.
Oh, yes...needless to say, the response was also forthcoming and seemed genuine. We have a date on Monday, (as he has his kids all weekend) to walk and talk and all bed and stuff deliveries are off for now...

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