Thursday, March 21, 2013

Day 28 Is it strength, or weakness... to not give up on love??

I have to be honest...
Almost 30 days into this blog, and 90 days after leaving Darren in the city to regroup with the support of my Whistler family; I am no closer to manifesting what I truly want. In fact, it seems I am farther away than ever.
I don't know how to write this without sounding pathetic but the truth is, I don't want the hurting to stop. I don't want to be "over it." And I am left to wonder if this is a demonstration of great strength and faith, or just pathetic neediness...
I guess I feel like I am trapped by two equally shitty options. I could focus on all the reasons why I should be angry at him and hate him in order to make it easier on myself and get over him sooner, or I can forgive him and continue to think of all the reasons I love him and suffer in my separation indefinitely. I do have a lot of reasons to be angry at him. I have new ones every day. Like spending the day at the health clinic experiencing a baby scare, and having no baby-daddy to call...he wouldn't even answer if I tried.
He is smart. He got angry and therefor seems to be over me. He has successfully villainize me to the point that he is able to shut me right out of his mind and his life. But I don't want to be mad anymore. I don't want to focus on every possible reason I have to hate him just so I can get over it and make everyone else feel better and stop worrying {I know the people who care about me want it to stop and believe me it sucks hurting} I've been living with it everyday for three months, but I would rather love him and miss him, than hate him and get over him. Stupid right.
Every minute of the day you see me with a smile on my face, it's me putting on a brave face.
This baby wasn't the result of a one night stand or some fling. We tried for over a year to make this life, and do this together. Also, it doesn't really help when people say. "oh but you will have a beautiful baby out of this..." I get that... but my sadness for going through this alone and missing the one I love is not inclusive of my ability to love my baby, one has nothing to do with the other. It feels like he is I am mourning this life we had planned to build together. This baby was conceived with love and the intention of spending our life together, and my current reality is not that easy for me to digest, still.
I get it, things turned sour and we both did things that really hurt the other to the point where I don't have any idea how we could possibly come back from it and forgive all that needs to be forgiven. But I know I want to try. 

{He looks like Buddha}
I have been waiting for the spring equinox which is now upon us, like a star of hope. Two of my trusted spiritual counsel prophesied a reunion by this time. The equinox and solstices are powerful times, and this conception was prophecies by a spiritualist who does mommy/baby mediumship on the summer solstice last year while I was in Mount Shasta, and I also dreamed that he would be conceived on the fall equinox, all of which came true. I truly believed in my heart that I would be home and rebuilding our relationship and family by the March 21. And yesterday (March 20th) I spend the morning sitting in a hospital bed, worrying about the health of me and my baby with the knowing that any call I made to Darren would go unanswered, and that I was in this with out him. Not very promising.

I don't for one minute want to minimize the love and support I feel from my friends and community, but it's not the same as having your partner. Anyone should understand this. Even still, I am choosing not to be angry.

Maybe the universe isn't done with this yet, and I don't know why I still hope when all evidence is pointing to a fiery wreckage. But maybe like my stolen wallet, there was a purpose to my scare yesterday... I'm looking to the silver lining and going to trust in divine guidance, as well as my own;  that all is well that ends well, and that it's not hopeless as long as someone still has faith in love.

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