Thursday, April 4, 2013

Day 35 Heartbreak.

It's  520 am.
I remember the night we met, I had spent the previous several months in a 30 day "challenge" with myself to manifest my soul mate, using the methods of a very sweet and eccentric "Angel" Spiritualist and expert on manifesting love, Rebbecca Marina.

There was a series of synchronicities that played out leading up to our first rendezvous, and it was fascinating to me after the fact that I could actually retrace those steps and see the decisions and intuitions and random interventions from other people that ultimately brought us together...those synchronicities that give evidence that the universe is in cahoots with all your desires.

Every night throughout late January and February in 2011, I followed the guide book, doing every one of the processes for manifesting love that it outlined. The one I remember most vividly, was that I would lay in bed at night and imagine what it would feel like in the knowing that my soul mate, my perfect match and life partner lay beside me sleeping. I would bask in the feeling of safety, warmth, connectedness, closeness, partnership and the knowing that someone loved me. It was a silent prayer, and it felt wonderful.

The night we met I was petrified (as this was a blind date right off the Internet) and not for the reasons you would think... not that I would be dragged into to bushes and raped and murdered but more so that I would be stuck on a 3 hour date with a total drip... and as he had picked a 5 star white table clothed french restaurant with panoramic views of the city; I was now committed to at least 3 hours, and possibly a $300 dinner with a man I had never even spoken to...and yes, my biggest dread was boredom/dulls-ville...As I drove the long winding road to meet him, I began to pray... please God, my Angels and beautiful Spirit guides.... just let him be fun. He doesn't have to be the love of my life or anything, just make him fun and interesting and maybe I will make a new friend...
I repeated it over and over... and he was, only better.

Last night as I prepared to see Darren for the first real meeting in months, I also prayed.
I prayed that he would see me and remember. Remember why he fell in love with me. I prayed that he would feel the heart recognition we felt the first night we first met, and feel the love I know we have eternally. I also prayed that he would feel the love and bond with the baby I have in my belly... and I believe that he did, even more than I'd even hoped.

When I got into the truck, I looked at him for a long moment, I said hi, and he said hi. The emotions were palpable and all I had to do was touch his hand...we didn't even get a block before the emotions over came us both. He stopped in the road and pulled me to him. It was a long time that we sat in the truck and just held each other, his head nustled  in my neck. I whispered how much I loved him, and missed him and I was sorry for everything...he said very little, just nodded tearfully and when I asked him if he still loved me, all he said was, he'd "never not loved me" (I smiled inside because he has never been very good at direct communication) In my mind, I repeated over and over, thank you God... I knew it.

For the almost hour or so we sat in the truck, and another in the restaurant just letting the love in again. I was so happy. He held me so tight to him, smiling and listening to all the plans I had for us, and the things I had wanted to tell him for so long. I had him back, I could feel it, and we were going to be OK. Only it was not.

I don't even know how to process this, and maybe that's why I felt the need to start writing in the wee hours. So thank blogger and you, for giving me my sanity this past month, and hopefully this will help me understand just what the hell I am suppose to do, or how I should feel. I only know that I am faced with the awareness that there are multiple levels of existence we are operating on. There is the level where we are one, and our souls recognition of one another and our connectedness to a higher purpose is active...and then there is the 3D reality, where ego and practical reason rule the day.
But what happens when these worlds overlap in a conscious, distinctive and more importantly , contrasting way? Do we go with reason, ego, logic and rational judgement? Or follow some mystical guidance or inner knowing, even if it flies in the face of reason or even self preservation?

As I asked him about his Hawaii trip, under the assumption that he had taken his kids. I began to realize that there was more to the story he wasn't saying... it doesn't take long for a woman to read this expression on the man she loves...her heart knows when it's about to be shattered, yet again.

As I asked the question I didn't want to know the answer to and something inside me separated. It all happened in slow motion. My natural and immediate response would normally have been swift and furious and then ending with my heart on the floor, left for dead. I would be so attached to my emotions, that a white hot rage would roll through me, only this time it didn't. I was in such a space of unconditional love for him and acceptance of what is, that my stunned ego had to coax me back to the reality that no matter how much I loved him, this was not OK.

My ego said "honey, come on... you have been crying over this asshole for months, carrying the child you wanted together in your womb, alone, with no support or love or partner? You have been giving everything you have to love him back to you and he is off fucking someone else on the vacation he was suppose to take with you?? You sat in a hospital, with not a single answered phone call from him for weeks, because he was fucking someone else in Hawaii?? You have his baby in your belly and he has does not done one single thing to show you he loves you...or bring you home or even try to work it out and now he is sitting here in front of you with a stupid "how do I get out of this one?" expression on his face because he has been fucking someone else in Hawaii??(I know I am being redundant, but as I said earlier, this is as much my therapy as it is entertainment for my readers) and did I mention he has clearly, moved on... WTF???"

But for some reason, I stayed detached. I found myself feigning anger, and asking him all the questions my ego would want answers to, but that my heart and soul did not. I watched it, like a movie... and I saw him through the eyes of love, into the part of him I have been loving all along. His inner being. I felt my love for him with out conditions. I could separate the decisions of his ego with what I know is in his heart... but it wouldn't last. My hurt and my ego won in the end.

So as I tried to fall asleep last night, I lay in bed with a different prayer. I prayed that I would wake up in the morning and not feel anything. That I would forget everything I ever felt for him. Never want him, need him or think of him as mine again. I prayed, begged and pleaded that I would stop loving him, forever. I'll let you know how that goes.

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