Friday, August 16, 2013

Better to have loved and lost....than to live with a psycho for the rest of your life

Leading up to the high speed car chase was as I described yesterday, weeks and months of futility in the retrieval my personal property from the house. After the "incident" I went home and sat down with Jane and I drew my line in the sand, that was it. No more contact. I was resolved that what I didn't have, I didn't need. If that meant me rolling my fat belly off a futon onto the floor at 8 and 9 months pregnant then so be it. I wasn't going to put myself or my baby through any more drama.

Well, OK maybe one more little itty bit of drama.

After several hours of conspiring, Jane and I decided we would make one last attempt at breaking my stuff out. Most, not all, but most of my bedroom furniture was left in the garage. And Jane being Mexican was quite convinced she could break in.

 We all know about the initial break and enter I performed, right? That time was primarily a reaction to extreme jealousy and some uncontrollable urge to feel some sense of power in a situation I was completely powerless. This break and enter? This was totally legit. I needed my stuff. We were done, finished, over, and I was having a baby and we needed a home. Everything other than my bedroom suite could wait for a judge to deal with.

Two days later, Jane and I snuck over during the day while D was at work (D not only stands for Darren, but it also stands for some other choice words that actually better describe him) D had gotten smart and taken croquette mallets and shoved them against the windows so they wouldn't slide... as if I gave a shit. Jane ran around checking all the doors and windows and I thought, no more messing around, if we're doing this, we're doing this like we mean it. I kicked the garage window in. Bam. In. Then proceeded to climb my 7 month belly through to small window into the garage onto all the broken glass. Why things had to get to this I will never, ever, fully understand. Although, I have some theories and I will regale you with them later.

The other thing the D did was unhook the power cord to the garage door switch. Smart.
So Jane and I start carrying drawers from my dresser, the dresser and anything else we can out to the car through the back door of the garage, as the cute little Dutch Gnome neighbors are in their yard are watching. We decide to pick up the pace in case they call the police and I begin to have my story formulated in my head just in case I get questioned. As Jane and I stood there staring at the dresser, and the door of the van at a complete loss as to how we were going to get it inside, Mr and Mrs Gnome come waddling across the street with smiling eyes and rosy cheeks. I braced myself, and  little man says "do you need a hand?"

Now at that moment I knew there was no way in hell they missed the screaming profanity gong show of the previous day. I made sure everyone with in 10km knew that D was a cheating lying bastard who was too cowardly to come out of the house and help his very pregnant ex move her stuff while his big ass truck sat there. He watched as I lifted boxes and chairs into a mini van, me crying my fat belly eyes out at the shear absurdity of his decision to barricade himself in the house. At one point I suggested that if this was going to be his level of maturity, he better figure how we were going fit a baby in a mail slot so he wouldn't have to come open the door. I am sure they listened while I bawled, and sat in the garage refusing to leave; engaged in a Mexican style standoff, and by stand off I mean resolved find a corner of rug to curl up on and stay there all night just to make my point. Darren would periodically come out onto the porch above me,looking to see where I was. This went on for about an hour before he finally made a break for his truck by sneaking out the front door and jumping through the bushes making his chase ensued.

But, they were pregnant and cheated on sympathizers. Thank God.

As Mr. Gnome lifted the dresser into the car through the tailgate and Mrs. Gnome commented on my big belly, which resulted in me bursting into tears with both relief that they were on my side and shame of the entire situation and my previous days very public meltdown. She just smiled and said "I know dear, men can be difficult"

I choked "difficult? ... that's not the word I would choose, but OK."

Why couldn't he just be a big man and do the right thing? I will tell you why, this is a man with so much unresolved pain he has literally broken into pieces. I am beginning to suspect that he has created alternate realities in order to process the annihilation of our relationship and our lives without having to take any responsibility. His ego says "this bitch is crazy man, so what she's pregnant, she totally did that to screw you over and take all your money. Your probably not even the Dad. She owes you man." Then he proceed to treat me as if it is so, and I get upset.. and by upset I mean go ballistic. Ego validated. The mind and the ego are powerful things, and they will protect themselves at all cost. The expression "cut off his nose to spite his face" This is the kind of downward spiral our egos will send our lives into when we leave our injured inner child to rule the day. The deeper the crevasses in the psyche, the more potential for self deception and the denial that keeps us in what Eckart Tolle describes as the pain body. The pain body unhealed is fertile ground for all kinds of fear, toxicity and mental sickness to be activated, or created by the ego as a self defense mechanism.

Lucifer was the most beautiful Angel in heaven before he fell. Marianne Williamson in her book, a Return to Love, describes the Ego as self-love turned into self- hatred. She states that "It's like a virus in the computer attacking the core system. It is our mental power turned against ourselves, and its not stupid, because we're not stupid. It doesn't come up and say "Hi, I'm yourself loathing."  It says "Hi, I'm your mature adult, rational self. I'll help you look out for number one." Then it proceeds to counsel us to look out for ourselves at the expense of others. It teaches us selfishness, greed, judgment and small-mindedness"

She goes on to say "Taking responsibility for our lives is taking responsibility for our thoughts, and thoughts separated from Love, are a profound miscreation. Most of us are sick of ourselves in one way or another, yet we cling so tenaciously to what we pray to be released from." Fearful, limiting, low self worth, paranoid, "out to screw me over" thoughts; this is not a mindset that cultivates transparency, compassion, intimacy, trust and a genuine desire that the ones we love are living the fulfilling lives they desire, even if its not your own desire. True Love = True Freedom

So here is a wounded soul, who like me and the rest of us just wants to be loved, find peace and happiness. He's not a bad person, I mean Lucifer didn't start out bad either! But when we haven't found peace (or a healthy relationship) within our own mind first, learning to bridge gap between ego and heart, filtering and interpreting fear appropriately. Fear is a powerful guide. In fact you should always LISTEN to your fear, and DO the opposite of what it tells you. Think about that for minute.

Had I done that when I met Darren, my conversation with my fear and then Darren would have gone like this:

D: Listen, I know we have been dating for a few weeks now, spent every day together, talked about babies rolled around in the sac, but I have something to tell you...
A: (Sit down, brace, Oh gawd, he's married... )
D: I have 2 kids.
A:WTF? Why didn't you tell me that before? (slight relief, kids are cool... wives not so much)
D: I'm sorry (puppy eyes, crodile tears) I never thought I would meet you (good ego stroke, con manipulation tactic) And, (insert sob story here: ..too painful...evil ex...dont see them...lies, lies, lies)
A: Ok, Im going to have a shower and process this, give me a minute.

In shower crying, feeling very decieved and dissapointed.

Fear: Ade, baby... you are sooooo happy. He's everything you wanted, and now he has kids too? Thats a good thing!... you don't want to lose this chance, love like this may never come again, everybody lies sometimes, you know it. If you walk away now... who know if you will ever find anyone like this again? Give him a chance... who do you think you are anyway?? You aren't perfect, you probably can't do better do much better...I mean, look at your love life this past 12 years... sucks right? Hey, you know now you have the upper hand, yeah... he now has to earn your trust, you can use this to feel more secure and he will have to blow lots of smoke up your ass!

A: Yeah, I hear what your saying, I am so glad you pointed it out....and it's a load of shit. I am looking at my list if criteria for "life mate" and lying right out of the gate ain't on the list.
In fact, full disclosure and transparency is. The opposite of that.
I will not only be spending the next six months looking over my shoulder wondering what and when the next, "I have to tell you something" convo is coming up to bite me in the ass. I am worthy and deserving of someone you is open and transparent and doesn't operate from this place if scarcity so deep that they lie about things that are part of who they are, IE their own children?? Who does that?
In fact I had a feeling this guy was hiding something and I just wasn't listening to or acting on it.

D: I'm sorry, (tears) I have ruined the best thing I ever had, trust means everything to me... (gives me the ol' take away... in sales that means he does it to me before I do it to him and it makes me want him more)

A: Yes, you did. Go get some counseling and deal with your "issues" around trust, cause we are done.

So, we all know how that convo really went down. I bought the sob story "puppy eyes" and guess what?? He's been a consistent scarcity monger who lies, steals, is secretive and evasive and makes shit up for fun. Shocking right?

That's how powerful listening to your fear is, but understanding the information and using it to empower you is a whole other skill set. One I am learning now.

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