Sunday, August 18, 2013

Making choices.

There is nothing easy about the life we are experiencing here on this planet.
There is pain and happiness. There is no way to avoid the pain, not today anyway. We have to learn to use our mental abilities to consciously look for the joy within the struggle. To be able to do so is not always the default setting that most of us are programmed with. We are often conflicted with different emotions on any particular life drama. I think sometimes we look at the lives of the people around us and think, "man, if only I had that persons positive outlook... I'd be so much happier. So and so really has it all together" but as I have gone through this experience in close relationship with the women in my life who have been so unconditionally loving and supportive I realise, nobody gets off easy. It's a daily conscious mind set to "be positive" and some days are a fucking struggle. For everyone.

I think expectation is the stealer of happiness in every day moments. We expected to do better, for things to be different, finally "make it", heal that relationship, lose 20 pounds, have that loving partner, ring on finger, be a mom by such and such a date. Then I will be happy, have arrived, give myself permission to enjoy life and love myself. Expectations are the thieves of happiness. They keep us from embracing the beauty, the joy and even the suffering, and feeling the empowerment of releasing the suffering by choice in any given moment.

There is nothing like the clock watch of an impending birth to start the timer on an expectation.
There is nothing like realizing that the moment has arrived, and the dream has been left somewhere in the dust several miles back to force yourself to make the choice: to sink into disapointment, self pity or despair and rob your self of the joy that is available in that moment, or to embrace that moment for exactly what it is. A moment of truth, a moment in time, a moment to milk ever ounce from.

The day of Pax's birth came one month early to the day, and an eternity too damn late for any happy reunion. The dream of having the love and support of my partner during labor, or to share the joy of bringing a life into the world and loving that being as much as only the two people who created it can, was over.  It still hurts me to think about it, and there is a hole in my heart that is so deep with disappointment, sometimes it's hard to even breathe.

So when the moment came at 3am on May 10, that I rolled my belly out of bed to go pee as I did 100 times a night and my waters burst all over the floor I knew it was time to make that choice. I was at  home completely alone and this was my moment of truth.
First of all I reconciled for myself that my beautiful peaceful home birth was not going to happen. I knew there was a chance I wouldn't make it to full term given the stress I had been under, and I can't blame Pax one bit for wanting to get the hell out of there as soon as humanly possible.

I called my midwife, then I called and texted Jane 100 times who just happened to be out that night and I laid back in bed and cried my eyes out. Somewhere between the tears I managed to focus my watery eyes long enough to send Darren one last "fuck you" for being a selfish coward. And I let him know, I would never ever forgive him (not that he has or will ever asked me to, so its an empty threat really) I made my choice. I could do this, and nobody was going to steal this moment from me.

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