Thursday, August 15, 2013

When enough is enough

Maybe it was the realization of how it must look to passersby to see a very pregnant woman in a minivan pursuing an F350 monster truck (compensating) in a high speed Dukes of Hazard style car chase through West Vancouver; force the truck off the road and then get out and scream man hating profanities at the driver inside. Or was it the realisation that any more of this craziness was going to send me into labor right then and there in the middle of a 15th street? Yes, that one. I think that was the moment that I realised that enough was enough. Unfortunately the damage was done and the craziness did send me into labor, two weeks later and 4 weeks early.

This is what passive aggressive stonewalling does to a person. It's emotional abuse. All I wanted was my furniture so that I could make a room for myself at Jane's house and prepare for the birth of my baby. He had chosen Hawaii (an older but lesser and more controllable woman; who fell for his sulking child routine and enabled his co-dependant self first modem operandi) over me and his unborn son and well, that was his choice. But why then does someone feel the need to be so controlling and cruel? It was months and weeks of ignored emails, ignored phone calls, only to be given vague non-committal permissions to get my property back that were never followed through on. This was then followed by false promises to deliver my things which came in incomplete pieces over several weeks, only again to be granted access to the rest, which by that point was a meaningless gesture, since I was too big to move and to broke to hire a mover. This is what finally lead to a buildup of rage so big; topped up by a hormonal stew of needs and emotions that were not being met, that sent me on a one way ticket to crazy town. He is a playground bully. He plays keep away with the ball and torments you until you lose your shit and end up in trouble for sacking him one in the nuts. If only I got the satisfaction of that.

I think we all know by now that I never gave up hope. I may not have always taken the right approach. I let him get to me and my inner child reacted with perverbial nut sacking every time.
I now believe the only approach that might have worked with him would have been "submissive martyr". Stop laughing, that could happen. I never gave up because although I am a free spirit with trucker mouth, I am a traditional girl in some senses. I was having a baby, and I loved this man once, and I couldn't believe that there wasn't a family, or anything else left to fight for.

I was just having a picnic with my mom, sister in law and Jane and all the kids yesterday and it came up that no one really got to know Darren very well because he always had his tongue down my throat. Its hard to talk to people when your tongue is down someones throat FYI. We were crazy about each other and everything and everyone else in the world disappeared when we were together, which was all the time. That's the part I worry I will never get over. We were like 90% perfect, until we weren't.

What I realize now, as I am learning to let go of someone I thought was going to be my partner in crime for life, is that possibilities and potentialities are always coming and going. The universe is always opening and closing doors to healing, expansion and growth. But one has to recognize them, take control of our thoughts and deliberately create the love we seek; walk through the door so to speak. After I sold the nail shop last year, I was on a path to put my life to Gods good use. I was breaking out of the confines of what success looks like and defining my life in terms of fulfillment and purpose, not prestige and bottom line. I was ready to blow the doors off the old programs and paradigms that had been governing my life. To someone with deep seated control issues like D it was just too much. We stood on the precipice together and I could see that spark in him that was getting it, the law of attraction, the higher calling, but when we counted to three; I was the only one who jumped. It was like failure to launch. That was his turning point to take the journey with me or retreated back into fear; the ego's weapon of choice. That's where the downward spiral began. I was just moving too fast for his underdeveloped pineal gland, and his fearful inner child felt abandoned and became pissed off at my nonconformity. And so, he set out on a mission to regain control of me or blow our lives up all together. It was a "inner child Hitler" conducting a relationship holocaust. And he was successful, at least as successful as a holocaust can be.

There have been opportunities along the way this past nine months to get back in step, but for one reason or another, I zigged when he zagged.
Let's face it though, even if we had gotten back in step, and as much as its my mission right now to learn to forgive, I wouldn't ever be able to trust. And those are two different things.

Jada Prinket Smith just posted recently about our traumatised inner child and I believe this is what we come up against in mid life. The more trauma we endure, and negative beliefs, pain, paradigms, patterns or failed relationships we accumulate and fail to heal by not taking 100% responsibilty the more toxic and in disrepair our lives can become. But it's always your choice to tame the beast (the ego) or be devoured.

A letter to a friend:

Our conversation last night made it clear that most of us wear adult faces, but we are actually stuck in our childhood traumas. Some of us demand that our needs be met as if every encounter with the world is a reenactment of encountering the childhood peers who terrorized us or parents who didn't give us enough. The sad part is that most of us don't know that we are ope...rating from these hungry, angry and very demanding emotional wells which create drama in our adult lives. Many have claimed this stage of reckoning with our youthful beliefs and traumas in our late 30s, early 40s as a midlife crisis. It's called a crisis, I suppose, because our youthful beliefs are no longer servicing nor creating the lives we want, and now we are forced to decide whether we want to acquire an adult mind and it skills to lead us, or remain…"youthful". I'd rather not call this particular stage a crisis but rather an opportunity for the ultimate liberation which possibly…either choice could deliver. The beauty is… this is your life to create however you choose.

Be fearless.


1 comment:

  1. Well written Adrienne and very insightful. Thanks for sharing. don

    A great quote:

    Define your life in terms of fulfilment and purpose not prestige and bottom line - Adrienne Greenwood.