Day 21 My early morning nightmare... verboding forshadowing of my day

This morning I had a horrible nightmare,
I dreamed that I had a heli-ski trip given to me, and I was beside myself excited.
I went to the place where I was meant to meet the group and I haven't got my skis... the trip is leaving..and I am an idiot who has just fucked up an awesome opportunity.

I am in a panic. Then, in a lucky twist, I am told that I can do a later group and so I go to get my skis..
Only, I can't find my vehicle, or my keys, or both and my second opportunity is now on its way out and what I thought was a lucky break has just become an agonizing exercise in bad luck, bad timing, plain old bad self sabotaging stupidity. In my dream I am crying my freaking eyes out when I finally wake up. I thought, shit, if this is what I am in for today... kill me now.

It's now five 530pm and let me tell you how my day went. My love left me hanging all day before he called to say that a game launch gone bad had squelched any hope of him coming up this weekend for a little bonding and possibly full blown snoggy reunion. Then I very nearly got fired for being stupid, (for the second time) thinking I was being funny...apparently some people think being funny is stupid, sometimes it is; especially when it almost gets you fired...that's all I will say about that... and I lost my Dog.

Sometimes these sorts of days happen. They happen to me a lot lately. I have observed that the more I tune myself to frequencies of my inner world, the less I am able to fake it in my 3D world. The higher I tune my frequency to my intentions, and by tune my frequency I mean focused attention and emotions; and the universal timing has not quite given the green light {usually because it's got a better plan or version than our pea brains could fathom} the better the odds I will over shoot the target, and ultimately hit myself in the foot. Let's face it, we are all in the process of learning the laws of attraction and how to yield and wield our creative powers. We are infants learning to walk in consciousness... we need to go easy and lay off the peddles.

Where did it all go wrong? This mounting and building emotion that is calling me to make my way home before this baby comes is causing my point of attraction to start creating potential circumstances for that happening, any way it can... danger zone. I need this job, and its a good job for me right now in a lot of ways... getting canned would not be cool, even if it did get me a one way ticket to my beloveds doorstep and although I am sure I would not be turned away; its not how I want things to go down.

All week long with Darren and I, things have been hit and miss. When things aren't unfolding or going your way, there are elements that are either still in the process of aligning, and or things that are moving out of your alignment. These periods of focused intention and deliberate creation with all 3D moving parts in flux can look like chaos if we don't back off a bit and go general...another good example of that was my door crashing ambush to "pack my things" that ended in a firey wreckage and one garden buddha casualty.

Going general looks like this: I know I kind of screwed up at work, my strong emotions and restlessness are really stirring things up and that's OK, because it always works out in the end.
Or: I was disappointed that Darren couldn't make it up this weekend, but at least I got him to tell me he loves me... even though it was coerced. He still said it. Maybe the timing is just a day or two off and things will go even better if I just back up and allow it to unfold. Or even more general: Today didn't go so well, but that's OK; I found the dog. Or when shit really hits the fan: I don't have to think about this stuff right now...doesn't matter I don't have the answers right now.
Now that last one may sound like a bold faced pile of denial... good. You cant solve any issues from outside of the vortex of well being, and you cant get into the vortex by focusing on your issues. So get off the subject and go general until you feel good, and then peek again; if the vortex spits you out, just repeat the process.

\

Day 20 I was really dissapointed in this video...

I have to comment...
You guys are drama addicts!
My page views skyrocketed with my stalker style love ambush... I love you guys...

I would really love feedback, and by feedback I mean.. "Adrienne we want to hear more on processes", or "Adrienne, I have this situation... help!" not the "dump him!" kind of feedback, because I know that's what many of you are thinking...people,  everyones journey is their own, and as candid as I have been with my tales of heartache and woe... he has his version too... and besides.. how would I keep you entertained with the key source of all my anguish, extinguished??

So, LIKE me damn it! So I can bring you more great content and that content can one day fill a self help book or a movie or something really cool...  I want to know what you want more of, what you want less of and to share your questions and experiences with me on my http://www.facebook.com/60DaysOfAttractionTestOfMetal  page!
Leave your comments...

As promised... Here is my chat with my super awesome friends and law of attraction "Guru" Sarah Thambosso from Leash on Life Coaching.

I was really disappointed in this video, because at the end.. Sarah asked me for a tampon and we had a little chat about it, because I am preggo and don't need them so much but apparently I had a back stock of giant pads... it seems to have been lost on the cutting room floor. I would have left that in, it was very informative.

Sarah is doing a law of attraction relationship and communication workshop at the Squamish public library this Sunday March 10th at 12pm -3pm
The cost is $49 at the door and $29 in advance
You can contact her at sarahthambosso@Gmail.com

I attended her intro to Law of Attraction at Whistler PL a few weeks ago and let me tell you she is funny and informative and the food is awesome... Thank you Nesters!

If you have any, and I mean any kind of questions about the kind of relationships you are attracting or not attracting into your life, then this event is for you!

Day 19 Ciff hanging conclusions...

After my stealth stalker love ambush and the dream catcher was left hanging on the door, I went back to Jane's house and went to sleep. I made sure to leave an email, clarifying the context of the dream catcher which of course went unread; on account of Mr. Negatives determination to only focus on anything that will paint me in the light of (his admission) "the worst person in the world". As it turns out, all of my preparatory love emails had gone unread... he did however (again, his admission) spend countless hours reading all the fuming angry emails that I sent over the past few months. He also spend all of his focused intention on looking for signs from the universe that would also support his theories and paranoia...sort of in the same way I was looking for sign to light the path of love, he was looking for signs to light the path of destruction. Law of attraction is powerful... Darren knew too much and not enough, about the law of attraction and he was now a danger to himself, and me.

Needless to say he had set his intentions on negative, so the universe was having its work cut out... but like all heroes journeys. light always prevails over dark, as long as the light bearer doesn't give up hope. (that would be me in this case) Also, like any good heroes journey, there are some bumps in the road to test faith.

The morning rolled around, and I made one last attempt at making contact in order to confirm our meeting time etc... no answer. I arrived at the house early, looking all pretty (remember plan "crumble him") with a nice snug shirt to show off his baby in my belly... and no Darren.

The dream catcher hung on the door right where I left it. I had to wrestle my imagination and jealousy to the ground trying to find reasons why it had not been moved and where he may have slept last night, with some limited success. As I sat in the car making repeated unanswered phone calls and emails; the appointed hour came and went. I was devastated. I had done everything right, played by the rules, did everything I could to show him that I just wanted a peaceful meeting, be it to determine the end, or a new beginning. I was going to be cool. My mantras were not really working but I was trying.

After an hour and a half, I had to pee and I was ready to abort the mission. I knew this was a possibility; that memories and trauma from our past, compounded by the drama and trauma of his marriage and divorce (if any of you have read my "Mommy in a blender" blog you know what I'm talking about) could trigger any number of PTSD responses in him. So I was trying to be objective, again with limited success.

I took out my journal, tearfully and with much dramatic gusto ripped out a drawing I had made on the front page. I was artistically really bad {as you can see as I have attached it} albeit a deeply meaningful drawing that I made as another visioning exercise. Interestingly the vision appeared to me in a yoga class; the image of Darren and me and the kids all together in a love embrace, it was an image I felt I was meant to draw and make real...It was about to be made into a weapon of guilt.                 ( Please don't laugh, I am no artist... but its kinda cute .... no? )

 I tore out the picture, flipped it over and left him a hand written guilt trip about how unfair and mean he was and how fair and loving and peaceful I had been and he could just go to hell...I rolled it up and stuffed it into the hole of my dream catcher {that I had also hand made}.

By 11.30am I finally received an email, apologizing on the one hand, and then justifying his inconsideration that "I knew it was a busy week for him and he had a game launch and that it was ultimately my fault..." on the other.

Indignantly I reminded him, that he had agreed on the time and that I had made many attempts to let him know we were on; all went ignored. I was livid at his half hearted apology and defensiveness more than anything else. But I could hear in his voice; after listening to my hurt and frustration, that he even he knew he had crossed the line, and that none of his fears that I had malicious plans or intent towards him were justified. But it was too late.

By 6.30 pm he managed to pry himself from work and I met him at the house. I tried, I really did. I tried to calm myself with my mediation recordings and chanting...but I had just spent the entire day, upset and now the prospect of packing in the dark, this late in the day was overwhelming to me. On the upside, he looked like hell, like he hadn't slept in months, let alone been out snogging other women...this secretly made me happy.

I went to the front door and instead of letting me in the front, he went to the garage and opened the doors. This incensed me. After all he put me through today, he was going to confine my access to the garage. I took one look at him and launched... I was so hurt and I think he could see it. I think it was hard for him to see me and he realized he was just being an ass, and so he tried to coax me inside to talk. But by then it was too late... the next thing I knew I was ranting and raving and rifling aimlessly through wreckage of everything I owned that had been tossed into garbage bags and left in the garage.

I should have prepared myself for that. But I wasn't prepared. The next thing I knew, the orange ceramic Buddha I had bought for the garden was going to pay with this its life... good thing is he gets to reincarnate because this lifetime he ended up in a pile of shards on the garage floor.

I stormed out, got in the truck and left. This was my test. My faith and my hope at reconciliation was hanging by a thread and I just did everything I promised myself I would never do again. I lost it.

Here's where one has to let go. I was so mad at myself. I had to turn it back over to God. I sat in the car, crying and apologizing to my loving angels, who I knew were working double time to help me sort this out, and I set us all back. Damn it.

The phone rang it was Darren, and he was sorry. Really sorry. He could see my hurt and realized he had been villainising me just a little, but to his credit; not totally unsubstantiated, ask the Buddha.   I didn't quite get the face to face I wanted. But I did get the next four hours of real communication. It was the first time since long before I left that we really listened to each other. All hope is not lost.

Day 18, 19 drama filled nail biting and worth the wait blogging

Wow, OK a whirlwind few days.
Where to begin..
There is power in holding a vision, or an intention.
Even if we screw it up, or have temporary lapses of belief in the situation, and by lapse of belief I mean all immediate and obvious evidence shows that its all going to hell in a hand basket... when things start to turn, you just have to trust the process and give divine timing over to the Universe.

This is where using mantras such as the "Nam Myoho Renge Kyo" really comes in handy in a pinch.
I used it a lot over the last two days. Fear not, as there is always opportunity for recovery when you know the universe and your powerful intention have your back. Even if you think you have completely F'd it up.

After almost 3 months away, I finally felt strong enough, and ready to make my move. To go see Darren, face to face. I had finally surrendered control of the situation... and by surrendered control I mean... I got my power back. I no longer felt like a weeping heap of dung and I knew that no matter what, I was going to be fine, and the Universe would deliver me exactly where I needed to be... just then; I felt the universal nudge. It's important to tune yourself to those nudges. The universe always has the best, right and perfect timing to support your cause. When you feel the nudge, its time to take deliberate action.

I had arranged a meeting time at the house, I had my roust all set of needing to pack up my stuff to move and get some clothes, and my timing excuse of having a midwife appointment. What I really wanted however, was just to see him face to face in the hopes he would take one look and my and the big belly and crumble. I also knew that more than likely, before the crumbling... they could be chest pounding. And so I had another mantra, "No matter what he says, or what he does, I am enough" I think at that point I felt it was make it or break it. I have just over 12 weeks before this babe arrives and if I was ever going to get my family back then I needed to make my move or cut losses and move on.

I had been holding the vision and setting the stage pretty well. I was planting all my loving seeds of intention. I had given Darren lots of warning that I was coming and called when I got into town. I didn't get upset when I wasn't getting an overwhelming come hither response. In fact I got blocked from my initial meeting time, and I rescheduled without fuss... what I needed to remember was the other party was still operating from extreme hurt and fear and was totally stressed about seeing me and my bump for the first time in months.

I  was driving into Stanley Park after taking my beautiful son Shawn on a dinner and movie date. I dropped him back at my moms place and headed towards the north shore back to my friends Jane's house. It was about 930 pm and I knew Darren was working late with a big launch;, which is why our initial meeting time that day went south.  I was trying to decide if I should make a semi stalker-ish move and leave him a dream catcher that I made, with all the little beads representing him and me and all of the children. Cheesy I know... but whatevs. It was part of my "visioning" the outcome I wanted. My family and my man back together and healed and happy.

My "drive by" love ambush would require me to stay center lane and head west off the bridge to my/Darren's house, Jane's was a right lane east turn off the bridge. So I asked the universe and my angels to give me a sign as to which way I should go.. I don't know if any of you have ever asked for a "sign" but it can be VERY effective and entertaining. I took a solo trip last summer to Mt. Shasta Ca. for a summer solstice spiritual retreat, as I was driving down I5 in southern WA. I asked, "Give me a sign that this trip is going to be good for me" and just then, in the middle of a farmers field I look up and see a big sign nailed to a telephone pole that said "TRUST JESUS" I loved it! Confirmed.

 So just as I get into causeway, the outside right hand lane lights turns yellow and then red! The center lanes are the ones that switch to accommodate heavy traffic flow, not the outside lanes so I am already thinking "really?" as I am driving over crest of the bridge, a city works vehicle is cruising slowly in the right  hand lane with a GIANT yellow light arrow strobing to stay left. I couldn't believe it. My path had been marked in a giant yellow strobing arrow... stalker love ambush was go.

I drove up to house and felt the slight pang of disappointment he wasn't there, but decided to hang the dream catcher on the door and leave an email message as to what it represented, so he wouldn't think I was leaving some creepy curse thingy... because he is capable of that sort of negativity. I blame his mother; for everything.

I don't know about you, but this is where I usually start down the hill, and forget to stop peddling...
I get really focused on how I want things to go, and forget that the "how" is not my job.
HOW is not your job. {I just wanted to reiterate that point.} Your job is to set your intentions, follow the nudges, the signs and then act... completely letting go of HOW it will all go down in the end.
So I had created  all these expectations around how it all would go when I made my appearance. As I said before, expectations are the number on cause of disappointed

Every time we start to control the hows, the universal plan gets undermined and has to scramble to get things back on track, so expect delays. Especially when the universe is trying to line up multiple parties and really especially when one of the parties is being an obstinate bugger and will probably not be in thier "vortex" of love and hearing the nudges, and or just plain ignoring them...

OK, plot set. Tomorrow the dramatic conclusion of the first face to face...emphasis on drama... but fear not, alls well that ends well. The universe has my back :)

Day 17 No man is worth wrinkles...

I think I'm getting tired. Tired of paddling upstream. Which is apparently a good thing according to the laws of attraction. It's so stupid because I know this stuff, and I practice and start to see some shifts and little evidences of the universe lining things up, and just when things might actually unfold on their own in the direction of what I want, I grab those oars and start paddling madly like an idiot.


It's like riding a bike, once you start down a hill and gravity takes over, you ease up on the peddles a little and trust that gravity will take you at just the right velocity until the road turns upwards a little and your experience calls you to more expansion, or to take a turn in another direction. You don't put your feet on the peddles and start madly peddling at the speed your bike is traveling downhill? The shear effort is libel to throw you right off balance and send you into the bushes.
The gravity and I am referring to in this metaphor, is divine timing. It doesn't need to be peddled. It has the Grace of God to back it up.

I don't know why I let myself get beat up by someone, whom probably has no clue how badly he is beating me up. I am truly just beating myself up, and I should be minding my own business, but I so badly want him to cooperate. I am guessing he is probably so busy beating the drum of how badly he has been beaten up because he was too busy trying to make me cooperate, my lack of cooperation to him seemed like an assault, and so says the law of attraction; somewhere in the high reaching vibrations of our co-creative "ASKING" is a perfect and divine relationship just calling us to it. I bet its true because I know that 99% of the things that I have complained about D not doing or giving or being, are exactly the same things he is complaining about me, not doing or giving or being. It's a perfect match.

In fact, the louder and longer the asking for something, as in the more painful the experience... and by painful I mean yelling and breaking things, and breaking up and other fantastic acts of complete frustration at the separation from God, the stronger and clearer and brighter the vibrational version of it becomes.

I know somewhere in our "vortex" we have created a magnificent relationship.
However, right now I am too angry and hurt to give a shit about that relationship, I just want it to stop, mostly because there isn't enough botox in the world to take off the years this hurt is hanging on my face. No man, is worth wrinkles. No man.

It's a crying shame, and I literally mean bawling; just ask my pillows, my dog, and my yoga mat... its a crying shame that D and me have spent all of our energy trying to wrestle the other to the ground instead of just getting into our own alignment by feathering our own nests then we would align with the relationship we desire. If we only held the other in the highest vibrational version of the other instead of trying to beat each other into submission...the vortex of love and well being is calling, and calling, and calling us to go, and we are obstinate buggers,
{as Abraham- Hicks would say} and refuse to go.

So, tired can be a good thing, because once we give up and let go of our resistance {wresting the issue to the ground and beating it with a stick} that sneaky old vortex will suck us in. It's always calling and sucking. So give it up people...that's the work; to give it up. Although it doesn't have to be as painful I am making it. That's why I write, so you can all benefit from my stupidity. Aren't I nice?

OK so exciting news... my friend Sarah Thambosso, will be giving a workshop on the Law of Attraction here in Whistler, and the topic, gratefully is "Relationships"

I will be video interviewing her on Tuesday and we will post it for you here if you would like to meet her.

She is a gifted intuitive and transformational coach, certified law of attraction guru.

Stay tuned for that interview...

Day 16 Leaving it on the mat, and other methods of allowing

It's incredible how one day, I am riding this awesome wave of manifesting $1500 worth of brand new boots and skis FOR FREE and then next, I am back to being a puddle on the floor.

Sometimes my heartache hits me so powerfully, all I can do is surrender to it... and by surrender, I mean quietly weeping all through my yoga class, slipping out the door and sobbing in my jeep for another half an hour and then home to cry my eyes out in the shower...Let me tell you I have given new meaning to the yogi phrase, "leave it all on the mat" I left it all on the mat, tears, snot and sweat.

And on that note, I want to impress the importants of understanding the receiving, or allowing aspects of attraction; because really that's where all of our attention should be. Asking is happening all the time, with every trail of snot and drop of tear I shed in yoga; I am asking for what I want, and its being answered every time. Our work, is to get into vibrational match with the manifestations of it.

 Believing, well that important too, but the reality is; if you have thought about it, then at some level you believe its possible. "what the mind of man can conceive, it can achieve" - Napoleon Hill. The believing is the basically envisioning what is it you are asking for, seeing it in your minds eye, and most importantly feeling what it feels like to have it real and manifested. That's where things like vision boards, and playing games like "wouldn't it be nice if..." (and then fill in the blank of your wildest dream) come in handy.

Allowing is all together different; it really is an art. There are so many variables and things, and feelings and issues and dramas that get us out of alignment with our highest good and into resistance. And there are things, feelings, happenings and people that suck us right into alignment without our conscious awareness too...so that's fun, and is evidence that its not that hard to do, if we look for excuses.

Take my situation for example. I want my relationship healed and transformed into a better version and I know its possible because I have seen it in my mind and felt it in my heart. I long to be sharing my love and my life and our new baby with the highest best version of man I love in the highest best version of our relationship. And I have that version all documented in a journal that I wrote before we ever met, so I know its true and done somewhere in my vibration. Easy poesy. The problem is my reality is reflecting a very different picture; which brings up all of these negative emotions that keep me out of my manifesting zone.

Thankfully there is an answer. All that is actually required for me to get back in the vicinity of what I want is a combination of my belief that it is so, and done, and my ability to ease the resistance of my now moment reality, which is not always so fun and certainly is not reflecting what I want.

The good news is, I am not required to make shit up, lie to myself, stuff my feelings down into a pit and pretend everything is groovy - as if the universe would believe it anyway, I just have to keep giving myself relief. If that means crying into my yoga mat for an hour, Imma gonna do it... If that means singing schlocky 70's love songs into a hair brush in my living room while my roomie and her boyfriend cringe, Imma gonna do it.

It also means; if the only way for me to get back into alignment with the relationship I want, is to take myself away from the situation and leave the one I love until I can realign enough to get into vibrational match to it ( and hope that it gives him a chance to realign ) then I was going to do that too. Sometimes you have to risk it all, let it all go and just trust that the universe has a better plan than I could ever conceive to bring me what I want. Knowing that it will all unfold in its own perfect time also gives me one less thing to worry about. {thats always good for alignment} And so it is.

There is nothing more important than that I feel good, even if good is just relief and relief means that I just surrender to feeling sad instead of fighting it, and so the relief feels better, and better ends up singing into her hairbrush, which actually is pretty fun, and soon I'm feeling pretty good... see how that works?

Day 15 Appreciation vs Gratitude...can you feel the difference?

I want to talk about how understanding the difference between appreciation and gratitude can help to create a monumental shift in your everyday practice of attracting more of what you want and less of what you don't.

We all hear about the importance of gratitude, and you may say that this is semantics, but I want you to really take a moment and feel the subtle, but distinct different between the two vibrations.

Gratitude indicates some relief; as in thank God that car missed me by 2 inches or I'd be worm food.
Appreciation lacks the essence of a the narrow escape. Whislt, to feel appreciation for a beautiful sunset, or a friendly encounter, is a vibration we can carry with us all day and notice in small increments; gratitude is reserved for a situation where, the results or lack of the thing to be grateful for could have resulted in something unpleasant. I am so grateful for that donation of clothes, or I would have frozen to death in the snow...{ because I am penniless and homeless.} in this gratitude we are also holding the vibration of an alternate reality where there is the potential of the absence of the thing we are grateful for, and or energizing the experience that is not so pleasing, which is lack and poverty. I can appreciate and be grateful simultaneously, but I don't have to feel grateful in order to connect to appreciation.  So, subtle yet powerful difference. Appreciation is clean, unmistakable and easy to apply to moment to moment miracles of any size, with no bitter aftertaste.

Speaking of which, I have something awesome to share and I feel super GRATEFUL because there is  an alternate experience which has been in my vibration; and that is my 4 season old skis and boots that are totally pooched. I just want to say, I am a freaking awesome manifester, and that although many of my manifestation seem to come through absolute necessity, they do come none the less and not a moment too soon.

Since starting my job at here in Whistler, I have been asking the universe {and by asking I mean anticipating} that eventually I would earn enough WB referral bucks (which are like commissions for referring guests to our retail stores) so that I could get new skis and boots. In fact, just the last few weeks I have been dreaming and desiring these new items pretty intently. And I think what sealed the deal for me, was I took a guest I was skiing with to the demo tent to get him some powder skis, and was telling him with great gusto how cool these Rossignol S7 were;  and boy those are the skis I am going to get just as soon as I can. The important thing here is that I wasn't holding the thought of wanting, which often just activates vibe of lack, so much as I was seeing myself as having them soon and thinking about how much fun my new skis and boots were going to be, and what a rock star ripper I would be on them...

Yesterday morning my rommie and I went by the office; Steph had some pay stubs to pick up and we were just talking about referral bucks and I wished they would hand them out soon because I would have loved to see how much I had, and I had a day off to go spending them. {I really had no clue really how much money I might actually get } and my boss says "Hey, Adrienne I have two envelopes with WB bucks in them for you!" $825 worth. I freaked.

Ready for the best part? The best part was when I ran gleefully over the Can Ski, where my bucks are good; it just so happened that they had a brand new pair of the skis I had just been oogling in the demo tent and on the feet of many of my friends, that had been mis-drilled; which means they could not resell them at regular price. They had to sell them to me at a ridiculous discount! Boo hoo!
 This also meant, that my original intention to get boots first, because I needed them more, and then wait for more WB bucks was no longer an issue. I had enough to get the boots and the skis!

When you let the universe do your bidding, and just get busy appreciating all the little comings and goings in your life, you will find that often you get more than what you asked for. The universe has all the hook-ups you could ever need.

Happy day.. and just to add another point of appreciation, its snowing like mad and I have a day off tomorrow to go play with my new toys.