Sunday, March 31, 2013

Day 33 Easter: metaphysical word for "get off your ass and go get it...."

Easter has nothing to do with the bunnies, which is a shame, because bunnies are cute and I do like the chocolate poop... but bunnies and chocolate poop aren't going to get me what I want.
Easter is metaphysically a time to get your metaphorical ass in gear and start asserting yourself, your desires and dreams in the world. This is the time that you take all the ideas and pondering and contrasting experiences of the long dark winter and manifest your deepest desires into the world.
The universal wind is now at your back, but you have to walk the talk now.

It's like joke about the woman who is praying to win the lottery, and she never does...when she gets to the gates of heaven she says "God, I prayed everyday to win the lottery and you never answered my prayers... God said, well did you buy a ticket?"

I posted this awesome video of this Christian science minister.. you have to listen to him! He reminds me so much of my favorite minister from Unity Vancouver who passed away several years ago,  and you have probably heard is voice in my writing when I say things like "you want to heal your relationships?? Get to work on them people!" He would ofter order his congregation to get a life and stop hiding out in Church, and was prone to going on metaphysical rampages that would turn everything you thought you knew about life on its head... he was a pioneer of law of attraction.
He was awesome!

Sorry I could not get the open version... you have to click on it to play...

OK, so I decided to get to work on my own stuff, again at the urging of Janie I decided to get really clear on what I wanted to say and more importantly what I want our of my relationship with Darren when I see him tomorrow.

I have been listening a lot to the teachings of Kathlyn and Gay Hendricks and their principals of conscious relationships. I decided that there were some basic values are reflective of how I want to live and be and feel in my life experience. If my relationship is not in alignment with my core spiritual values and we don't share a common purpose and vision, then we have issues. And no amount of negotiating with solve our issues.

I wrote down a 5 things that I want in my relationship. Let's hope "you know who" is on the same page.These things are quite the contrary to how I believe most people would approach a reconciliation. I am not asking for changes from him, or fixes to all the "issues". I am looking for a real shift in consciousness... a new approach to how we view what being in a partnership means... yikes.

I'm going to share it with all of you, because what the hell... y'all know pretty much everything.

The relationship I want for us is:

1) Committed to seeing the other as an Ally. = Love
                  seeing you as my ally allows me to stop taking things personally. I am no longer hearing or observing your words or actions as critisisms. Knowing you as my ally feels safe. I feel respected, honored and appreciated and I appreciate honor and respect myself... I no longer look for things to criticize and nit pick about.

2) Committed to full disclosure, exposure and intimacy = Trust
                  seeing you as my ally allows me to fully disclose my needs, my feelings, even my fears in a loving way, and without making demands, drawing conclusions or making assumptions.
When my partner shares his feelings in open non-critical way, I have compassion for her/him. I don't feel the need to solve her/his problems, or fix them or change myself... simply my understanding and validation gives my partner the space and confidence to solve his/her own issues and take responsibility for his/her feelings... without my fears, reactions or conditions clouding their issues.

3) Committed to a daily practice of spiritual and relationship growth through meditation other practices of positive study together = Purpose
                through growing our spiritual connectedness to each other and to source, or creativity and passions will be manifested into our daily life and the world. We are less likely to waste our creative talents and passions on criticism and nit picking about the small stuff. We are more likely to be on purpose and manifesting our love, abundance and fulfillment into our lives.

4) Committed to focusing the majority of our time and energy on long term creative goals and projects. = Passion
       When my time and attention is on the manifesting my higher purpose and creative projects, I don't have time to criticize, judge or score keep in my daily life, or my relationship. Anytime I find myself getting resentful, its time to change focus on a bigger picture and focus on my own fullfillment. I encourage my partner to do the same. I know through their fulfillment and achievement of their dreams, our dreams will manifest.

5) Committed to self care and self healing. = Freedom
                           Through self care and taking time to do our own work, we free ourselves from old blocks and beliefs that are not serving our higher purpose. I free myself from self sabotaging self defeating beliefs and attitudes through yoga, meditation, energy work, counseling, whatever is means available and appropriate and through our healing, we heal all of our relationships and are free to attract more happiness, fulfillment and abundance into our lives.

I am going to approach all the issues of the past with the attitude that if we can commit to shift our consciousness and commit to a new way of relating, all the details, healing and basic day to day issues will all be taken care of and fall perfectly into place. Remember you can't solve a problem on the level that it exists. Hopefully, Easter miracles are afoot and the next 30 days will see healing and transformation in my life, and in the lives of those I love.

Friday, March 29, 2013

Day 32 Divine timing is calling... answer!

It's been a few days since I posted, as I have been slightly in limbo land again...
I woke up the other morning and something inside knew it was time to go back to the city.
I didn't really know what I was going to. although I did know where... I had to trust that this was a calling that needed to be answered and I would figure it out as it all unfolded before me.
It's OK sometimes, to not have a plan...

I started with..."maybe I will go down to the city for a few days... I'll come back and get my things later" and as I started to pack, I literally didn't stop until everything including all the bedding and room decor was ready to go... OK, I guess this is more than a few day...

The birth of this little boy is only 9 weeks away. My need to nest and figure things out in my relationship with his father is weighing heavily. Over the past few days, I had the realization that I have been sending out a lot of conflicting messages during this whole situation, and thus, was left to wonder.. could it possibly be the reason for my slow progress to a succesful reunion?
The mind that operates the heart is hoping for a reconciliation, healing of the relationship and a way back to a happy family life. But I noticed that the half that operates the mouth/email is losing her shit on a regular basis. I can't seem to get it consistent.

In my prayers and yoga classes I am holding the vision of me being back with Darren and bringing our son into the world together, but my moves to get in front of him and talk about it come out sounding more like a demand to retrieve everything I own so I can move on with my life.... no wonder he is confused and stonewalling me. In my defense, the ultimatums and tantrums usually come after several failed attempts at communication, but I am sure had I been a little bit better at not trying to control the outcome so much, I might have been more successful at talks... the flip side of that however, is that he is being a totally stubborn brooding jerk. What the fuck. I am not mother Theresa, queen of unconditional love either...but apparently I have to get my message clear, to commit to that, only speak of that, only think of that, and act only in accordance to that. So what is that??

I walked away from that paragraph for a few hours, because I just couldn't answer that question... and a few things occurred to me whilst I was away. Sometimes its all about asking a good question. Is what I really want, and the messages I am actually sending; through my thoughts and actions, one and the same?
Ask the right questions and let the subconscious feed the answers to your concious, and let me tell you, the answer was a painful and bitter pill... I have been a total hypocrite. Why, oh why, do make things so complicated?

I have been bitching and complaining to myself that this relationship will never work because what I want in a relationship is full disclosure, not concealment... direct and open communication, transparency and trust. I have been convinced that he was the problem.. and he is, but he is not the only one.

It occurred to me that every time I have executed a love ambush or tried to initiate some "face-time" it was always under the guise of needed to get my things "out" of the house, when all I really want is to see him.... (not very transparent, direct or honest)... if that was me, and Darren left me and moved to another town and he was like... I love you, lets work it out in one breath, and I'm coming over to move more stuff out, in the next... I'd be fucking slow to respond too.

Since Tuesday I have been here at Jane's, 10 blocks from my house. I have been basically demanding he help move my bed and other stuff over here. He has been been kind of a dick and avoiding me (because he doesn't really want that, and neither do I, but of course he doesn't actually say it, that would be honest direct and yes, risky...risky, because it makes one vulnerable to rejection) but his lack of response triggers me, because what I really want is just to see him, not move, and now I am feeling vulnerable and rejected. So I lose my shit. Retarded I know.

Know wonder he doesn't like picking up the phone.. so he avoids it, and then I lose it, and then the conversations go to him being evasive, and secretive and won't answer my questions about where he has been or why he won't talk to me... I'm sure because he feels pissed off and insecure and unsure of where I am coming from and then I get mad, because he isn't saying what I want him to say, and by that I mean... "babe, I love you please just come home..." but he is being as much of a scared douche bag as I am...

My BF Jane, who has always been my wisest  council... she is one of those friends who never judges, and always seems to give the most insightful advice. If you are lucky enugh to have one of these in your life, know that they are an irreplaceable, and indispensable. She is to me, who Gayle King is to Oprah.
She said, "dude, you go to crazy lengths, execute operation "love ambushes" and do all this meditation and healing working it out, but every conversation you have with him comes out completely the opposite." Shit.

The truth is, I am afraid. I am afraid to just ask for what I want, because what if I get flat out rejected?
It's so much easier just to be defensive, or create a rouse instead of saying "hey babe, lets talk...I'm coming to town to see you, and I will stay at Jane's until we work it out or not." Do I do that??? No.

That would be honest, transparent, full disclosure, with no hidden agenda, manipulation or blackmail ... all the things I have been hypocritically judging him for being.... So why, you ask? Why do we bring the exact things we don't want into our relationships, and expect somethings else in return?

Well, one reason is, no risk.  In fact its a sure thing... to not get what you really want.
I have been telling Darren that I am coming back to town to go live with Jane...and not "I am coming back to town because I love you and need you and feel like it's time to talk... no, I tell him its so I can see the midwife, so I have support from family, to move in with Jane... every other reason in the world other than the one that is the biggest and also the one I am most afraid of... losing him. This whole entire time I thought my intentions and my message was clear, that I was being honest and he was being manipulative and controlling. I just swallowed a load of crow.

New approach ... Jane says, why don't you just text him this "hey babe, let's get together, not talk, just have crazy monkey sex... " I was like, I hear you and I like it... but I'll take a slightly less pervy approach, (as I am in a family way and all... ) so I said: "Babe, I know I have been demanding my bed and stuff, but what I really want, is just to see you. Can we just go for a walk and talk... before we make any permanent decisions? I love you." I realized at that moment that this was the kind of open transparency I have been wanting... ding dong. I am not going to lie, if felt scary... I was putting my authentic self out there, no threats, no ultimatums... It's not that easy or obvious sometimes, where you need to shift your vantage point.  Don't be afraid to ask yourself the tough questions... what you are complaining loudest and longest about in someone else is probably exactly what you are bringing to the situation yourself... are you being the love, or abundance you want to have your life? Because you get the love you give... every time, no exceptions.
Oh, yes...needless to say, the response was also forthcoming and seemed genuine. We have a date on Monday, (as he has his kids all weekend) to walk and talk and all bed and stuff deliveries are off for now...

Monday, March 25, 2013

Day 31, Say yes. Then ask..What else?

It's shocking how suddenly things can shift from disillusionment and frustration to overnight epiphany. But that's the work, it's what you are doing..calling yourself back into alignment, and then.... POP. The doors blow open.

This past week I have been feeling so restless, like something was on the brink but I couldn't see around the corner. Compulsive thoughts and urges to leave town, a deep distaste for the work I am doing and all kinds of irritating events were nudging me towards change... it's time to go, was the voice in my head.

This morning, at 4:30 am I woke up, totally energized.
I grabbed my journal and began to write a very gorilla draft of a 2 year business plan that has been mulling itself over in my mind for months, well since last year really... but the clarity of it all was just hitting me... how the pieces were all suppose to flow together, what I needed resource wise etc.. all became crystal.

You know when your larger forces are working through you. You're being called... and your only job is to answer. Say yes. Receive. Allow. Take action...and then ask..what else?
This is being in the flow.

I hammered over an hours worth of chicken scratch strategy into my journal and then decided to listen to a webinar with a woman called Jacqueline Joy. She was discussing and transmuting frequencies from a universal energy called Diamond Consciousness. This is the shit people. This is just the beginning of the 2012 frequencies we have all been waiting for and our inner beings..not our outer doings...are waiting for us to tap into this frequency. This is the frequency that will revolutionize how we operate in our 3D reality.
The old matrix of effort = return is not useful anymore. It is no longer serving the expansion of our inner being, our planet, or universe for that matter. This call for change is the burning restless itch, midlife crisis, depression, anxiety, addiction, the dismantling of our institutions and super powers. It is the very same shift that is propelling you into unorthodox careers, to abandon your posts, your confines, beliefs and shackles and express yourself wholly in the world. Let me tell you if feels amazing. To resist, will only fuel Prozac sales.
30 Days of aimless meditation, emotional clearing and navel pondering has paid off, and that is the stuff the new age is made of. We have just come through the first 90 days of the age of Aquarius. Do you get that? This is the age of ease..of less "do" and more "be" and in the being and aligning and answering the call, more abundance and fulfillment will flow into your lives than ever. But we have to stop the resistance of allowing and leap off into the abyss.
Letting everything we think we know, go.

The new Golden Age of Enlightenment, the Mayans have been prophecising for 29,000 years is upon us. The same era Christ took the leap of faith and paved the road for us, and our ascension, by his death and resurrection so that the path would be laid for our transformation into light bodies and divinity on earth; the very one, the hippies have been singing about since the 60's.
It is the spring equinox and the end of first full quarter in the New Golden Age, and if I am the only one who experienced a sudden pop in energy this morning I will eat me shorts.

Get with the flow people and ask to be a vessel for universal work. God, use me! And then, when you hear the call, say "YES.. and what else?"  Check out this Diamond activation meditation...

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Day 30 Go rescue your inner child before she sabotages your life...

Yesterday I spent a little time, dissecting some of the feelings of oppression and pain I was experiencing I'm my life and my relationship. It isn't an easy process, taking inventory of the dominant thoughts in ones vibration. It can be down right overwhelming, and frustrating. Why have I allowed myself to get so dis-empowered? Mostly its frustrating because I realize that these feelings are not a one off. There is a theme in my life and I know that I am responsible for creating this experience. It's time to do the work, and clear this crap once and for all.

I had a sit down with my little self. I took out a journal and wrote:

Dearest little Adrienne,
What's up?

I took the pen in my non-dominant hand and pictured myself a young girl, and began to write.

You know I am a loser right?
I never fit in school and am bullied daily.
I don't have cool clothes, my mom never takes me shopping or cares how I look or feel.
I'm not successful in class, in fact I feel totally isolated and ashamed for not being smart, by teachers and other kids. I am constantly being ridiculed for being dumb.
I am just a nuisance to my parents, particularly my Dad.
I am not worth spending time with or being listened too... I am never going to amount or be a value to anyone. Whats the point? I am never going to successful or popular or loved by anyone.

Yikes. The worst part is, realizing that I still feel this way. No wonder I haven't been able to sustain any of the success I create. I don't feel worthy of it.

I have learned to override a lot of this, but the underlying vibration is always active. That's where my rebellious teenager comes in and screams and yells at anything or anyone that brings up these feelings of shame or inadequecy (we will deal with her too)

So, I took a moment to talk to my little self and going back to my dominant hand, this is what I wrote:

Dear little A,

Even though you feel really alone and misunderstood, I am here for you now.
I am sorry I wasn't there for you then, but I am now. Please forgive me, I love you and I am sorry.
(remember ho'ono'pono'pono, forgiveness is powerful)
It's not your fault, or any ones fault. You were not living in an environment where your unique gifts were understood, or nurtured...but its time for you now, to express your uniqueness...We have real soul work to do and I need you here, with me... to help me.
Your life experience has given you the courage you need to put it all out there express yourself and you won't be alone this time.

Then I ask her to come with me... and I put my arms around her and we walk together out of sight.

This can be an emotional process, but a powerful one. This is about, you firing on all cylinders.. and I highly recommend absolutely everyone take one day a week until you have had a visit with yourself at every age. Call your one year old, 2 year old... picture yourself that little person and just ask: Whats up for you right now? They will tell whats up. Sometimes its all good, but sometimes there is a rescue that is required. Love your little self like you would any distressed child and that self love, you will bring back to your now-self. It's incredibly powerful and I promise you will start to see how some of your adult behaviors are really just fragments of your inner 5 year old that are occasionally taking over your body and making you behave badly... go rescue her/him and they will never bother you again, in fact they will merge with your now moment self and you will be complete, a whole functioning conscious being... that is the goal right?

Friday, March 22, 2013

Day 29 Revelations...and Emancipations

You know how sometimes we are too close to a situation to see things clearly... ?
I have been so focused on trying to heal the relationship that I have missed the point entirely.
Why is this what is right under our nose so often obscured from vision? Damn it.
You cannot solve a problem on the level that it exists, true? Therefor, the thing that needs to shift is almost never the manifestation, but vibration that is causing the manifestation. I have been talking about this all along and yet have failed to see my own issues... oh, the irony.
If anyone out there in reader land could see what I am about to illuminate to you, and didn't comment or tell me what was apparent to you... well, keep it to yourself now. You had your chance...

Here I am trying the "heal my relationship" and wondering why I am hitting a stone wall, otherwise know as "the other party" And with the help of a trusted intuitive healer today I finally was able to step back far enough to see that it was me that needed healing. I was causing the discord in my situation and keeping a resolution out of reach by digging in my heals and ordering the universe to fix this issue.
Darren is the beautiful gift that was sent to me to illuminate all of the negative beliefs that are holding me back from stepping into my greatness. I love him! He is bringing up all the lower self beliefs that were instilled in me by a very troubled relationship with my ... {you guessed it} Daddy.
So what do I do? Well first thing I am going to do is write a list of all the complaints I had in my relationship with both of them... things, feelings, words, attitudes that showed up in my relationship with Darren/Daddy

He didn't listen my needs/understand or care
He questioned/judged criticised me
He didn't appreciate me
He didn't love me for who I am
He abandoned me, shut me out

Then I am going to list the beliefs or feelings that created
I'm not important
I am wrong/bad
I have no value/I'm stupid
I'm not worthy of love or success
I am just going to screw it up/I'm a failure at everything I try
I can't trust myself.

Now this is called clarity through contrast. I am going to flip each one of these ideas on its head and take full and total responsibility for buying into these lies once and for all

He didn't listen to my needs = I didn't listen to my needs, understand or care about me
He judged/questioned/criticized me = I judge/questions and criticize me
He didn't appreciate me = I don't appreciate me
He didn't love/accept me for who I am = I don't love and accept me for who I am
He abandoned me, shut me out = I abandoned me, and shut myself off.

Now I am going to get clarity on how I want to feel moving forward

I'm not important = I feel important and know that I am important
I am bad/wrong = I am an awesome person and I get better and better every day,  in every way.
I have no value/I'm stupid = I am indispensable and brilliant and am contributing greatly everyday to the expansion of those around me and to the entire universe. My value is immeasurable!
I am not worthy of love or success = I am loved. I am physical manifestation of Divine Love itself. I come from Source, God, Creation and therefor am worthy of all the abundance and love the universe has to offer. {which is a lot}
I am just going to screw things up/I'm a failure at everything = I am always expanding and learning. Maybe I failed at some stuff in the past, but look at all these STUPID LIES I've been telling myself! I cannot get it wrong and I will never get it done and from now on these old programs are wiped off the map and my success and fulfillment and satisfaction of life is going to get better and better every day and in every way.
I can't trust myself = I am totally confident in my ability to make awesome decisions. I am always tapped in to my best and highest good for myself and all those around me. I feel trusted and valued by others.

This is how Stella gets her groove dismantling one idiotic belief at a time.
Use EFT to tap the negative out and the positive in!! Create your own script in any area that is not working in your life... the answers are all inside you if you ask the questions and listen to that inner voice, or vision.

Question to ask yourself: What are the self defense mechanisms running in your life that can help illuminate for you the subjects that need healing? For me, it was anger. It could be victim hood, blame or people pleasing, or martyrdom, or projection...these are all programs that may have served you as a way to survive whilst you were young and unaware, but they will keep you a enslaved by whatever oppression created them however many moons ago...

Emancipate yourself from mental slavery. None but ourselves can free our minds... - Bob Marley

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Day 28 Is it strength, or weakness... to not give up on love??

I have to be honest...
Almost 30 days into this blog, and 90 days after leaving Darren in the city to regroup with the support of my Whistler family; I am no closer to manifesting what I truly want. In fact, it seems I am farther away than ever.
I don't know how to write this without sounding pathetic but the truth is, I don't want the hurting to stop. I don't want to be "over it." And I am left to wonder if this is a demonstration of great strength and faith, or just pathetic neediness...
I guess I feel like I am trapped by two equally shitty options. I could focus on all the reasons why I should be angry at him and hate him in order to make it easier on myself and get over him sooner, or I can forgive him and continue to think of all the reasons I love him and suffer in my separation indefinitely. I do have a lot of reasons to be angry at him. I have new ones every day. Like spending the day at the health clinic experiencing a baby scare, and having no baby-daddy to call...he wouldn't even answer if I tried.
He is smart. He got angry and therefor seems to be over me. He has successfully villainize me to the point that he is able to shut me right out of his mind and his life. But I don't want to be mad anymore. I don't want to focus on every possible reason I have to hate him just so I can get over it and make everyone else feel better and stop worrying {I know the people who care about me want it to stop and believe me it sucks hurting} I've been living with it everyday for three months, but I would rather love him and miss him, than hate him and get over him. Stupid right.
Every minute of the day you see me with a smile on my face, it's me putting on a brave face.
This baby wasn't the result of a one night stand or some fling. We tried for over a year to make this life, and do this together. Also, it doesn't really help when people say. "oh but you will have a beautiful baby out of this..." I get that... but my sadness for going through this alone and missing the one I love is not inclusive of my ability to love my baby, one has nothing to do with the other. It feels like he is I am mourning this life we had planned to build together. This baby was conceived with love and the intention of spending our life together, and my current reality is not that easy for me to digest, still.
I get it, things turned sour and we both did things that really hurt the other to the point where I don't have any idea how we could possibly come back from it and forgive all that needs to be forgiven. But I know I want to try. 

{He looks like Buddha}
I have been waiting for the spring equinox which is now upon us, like a star of hope. Two of my trusted spiritual counsel prophesied a reunion by this time. The equinox and solstices are powerful times, and this conception was prophecies by a spiritualist who does mommy/baby mediumship on the summer solstice last year while I was in Mount Shasta, and I also dreamed that he would be conceived on the fall equinox, all of which came true. I truly believed in my heart that I would be home and rebuilding our relationship and family by the March 21. And yesterday (March 20th) I spend the morning sitting in a hospital bed, worrying about the health of me and my baby with the knowing that any call I made to Darren would go unanswered, and that I was in this with out him. Not very promising.

I don't for one minute want to minimize the love and support I feel from my friends and community, but it's not the same as having your partner. Anyone should understand this. Even still, I am choosing not to be angry.

Maybe the universe isn't done with this yet, and I don't know why I still hope when all evidence is pointing to a fiery wreckage. But maybe like my stolen wallet, there was a purpose to my scare yesterday... I'm looking to the silver lining and going to trust in divine guidance, as well as my own;  that all is well that ends well, and that it's not hopeless as long as someone still has faith in love.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Day 27 Funky shit going down ...

Wow, I don't know what's up for all y'all but I am on a ride and a half.
It's like crazy energy man, and weird and unexpected manifestations everywhere.
It's like balls being set in motion and all I can do is observe the unfolding.
OK, here is a weird example of the kind of thing I am talking about....
Yesterday I had my phone/wallet jacked. For a few moments I was in a panic.
I had an iPhone, credit card, ID pre-paid visa and a large check inside, this was bad.
I was in the Day lodge at the bottom of the mountain so I let all the staff know right away.
One of the cafe gals took pity on me and made me a free latte, this was good.
About 20 minutes later, as I am in a daze, and feeling utterly disconnected without a phone, Joce (same latte girl) comes in from the back elevator room and says "Is this it?" She had the wallet, it had been tossed! Everything was inside, except the phone, but still this was good!
I walked over to the phone company, and learned that I was well into my plan, and not only could they replace my phone for free, but he set me up with an even better plan than the one I had, and this too was good. The next thing you know, I am sending energetic gratitude to the douche bag who stole my phone... how bizarre is that?

There is seemingly a lot of contradictory energy in the air, and lots of movement and its causing me a lot of unsettling feelings and emotions and the urge to shake things up.
Times like this I think the people around me must start to think I am just walking around in a stone cold daze, but the truth is, I am turned inward. I am observing and listening and assessing all the events and feeling that come over me. I am looking for clues, and signs and listening to my inner voice and council from on high in order to navigate these energies. This can come across as me being quite detached to an outsider looking in. Like, what is she on man... ? But I am interested in the meaning of it all. Why do bad things turn out good? Is there always a silver lining and sometimes we just fail to see it? Are these road signs designed to get us turned in a new direction?

I think it's really important to tune into your higher guidance at all times.
It's like a permanent state of prayer. Allowing your receiving channels to be open by setting the intention of it all day every day. Be in a constant state of allowing higher guidance to help you, show you, give you evidence that what you seek is all around you.
That leads me to another good question. What do you seek? Really?
I was listening to a speaker on a webinar, discuss this and he posed this scenario:
If you fell upon Aladdin's lamp, and the genie popped out and gave you 10 seconds to ask for your one wish or it would be gone forever, what would you ask for?
He said 97% of people answered wrong. In other words, what they asked for isn't really what they want. They just think the having of it, will give them the thing they really want.
I actually had a real life genie in a bottle experience a few years ago. During that time period I told you about, back in 2010 when I was really on a role with this stuff.
I went to a psychic reader friend of mine, and he was doing his usual automatic writing stuff, and scribbling away on some question I had asked; when he read it back he said... well, this is interesting... "She will be visited by an Angel of light. The Angel will ask her what it is she really wants."
We were both a bit dumbfounded by this, and needless to say I was a little freaked.
I was very nervous about being in the presence of an Angel, let alone having to give a good answer to this question. For several months I waited and wondered how this manifestation would appear, and what I would say. I can't remember how exactly, I came to the conclusion of what I would say, but I know I spent a lot of time pondering it. {in the event that this prophecy came true} As you can well imagine this was not an opportunity I was wanted to fumble.
So, a few months went by, then one night in the wee hours before dawn I woke, sort of... in a bit of a dream stake. In the corner of my room, right at the ceiling came an incredible opalescent light. My ski obsessed conscious mind thought it looked like a pair of large glowing goggles, but I soon realised it was more like spinning infinity symbol. My heart was racing.{no shit} I was like "OMIGOD OMIGOD this is it!" Then it spoke in my mind "Adrienne, what is you really want?" I said: Freedom, Fulfillment and Joy. {I thought that was pretty good} And the light faded back into the wall and I went back to sleep.
My answers were the same answers that only 2 percent of people in the genie scenario gave.  Now granted I had a couple of months to ponder the question, and question my knee jerk responses. But the truth is, what we really want is Joy, Love, Freedom, Fulfillment, Peace and we think the having of the house, the car, the big successes, the money will give us those things. But happiness is not measured in stuff, or anything else external. Interestingly, this Dr. says that those 2% have a better chance of manifesting thier goals/stuff than the other 97% who are focused on the wrong target. Seek the internal experience in every day life and the stuff, will simply be the icing on the cake. Give your self over to higher guidance and look for that which you are wanting to find in every day life. Set your intentions on the stuff, in a light and playful way so you are not stuck in a state of  "if I have xyz.. then I will be happy" Be happy now and when things are not going your way or seem muddy, give it up and give it over to universe to light the path, then turn inward and ask for evidence that there is a plan at work, and then watch and listen. And if things ever seem to go backward, just look for that good old silver lining... there is always a divine plan.

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Day 26 Spring Fever

I don't know if any of you are experiencing this or its just this ticking time bomb in my belly and very "up in the air circumstances" of my life, but with mercury shifting out of retrograde today and the approaching equinox, I am feeling anxious, restless and uncertain about my future.

It was also apparent in my interactions with people today, that maybe its not just me? Although for the most part it was positive, I nearly got into a fist fight with some yuppie day-skier who was trying to poach my parking spot.
Not only would he not back down even though I practically ushered him to another spot that was just coming up, he called me "C&*NT word in front of his kids and then called me a Whistler dirt bag!? I was like WHAT?? I was more offended my the dirt bag comment, oddly. And for the record, I would rather be a Whistler "dirt bag" living the lifestyle he has to pay through the nose for one week a year than be a yuppie "douche bag" who will probably drop dead of a heartache at 45 for picking fights with pregnant women over parking spots. Then my poles got taken from the ski rack. Seriously.

OK, so this morning when I woke up at four am, feeling restless and worrying about my future and what the universe has in store for me over the next few months; I decided to try a new meditation and practice of releasing the old and allowing the new. This is spring after all and there are wonders beneath the soil that are almost ready to break through after the long winter of epiphany. Everything is burgeoning and I feel this sensation in my bones that things are about to break through, but how and what and when will I start to see the germination's of my manifestations... its a mystery.

I thought about this past long dark winter and all the trauma the this past 6 to 8 months and how this energy is probably muddying up my vibration. I decided it was a good idea to use Rikka Zimmermans harmonizing practice to release some of that old energy and give the new manifestations the most fertile soil I can muster.

Please do this too, and we will all benefit from it. Seriously, the vibration of well being from one person effects the well being of 1000's The negative does too, (but thankfully is not nearly as powerful as the positive spectrums) as demostrated this morning by stressed out douche bag day-skier.

 Maybe take a moment to think about some of the events, people, places, thoughts and feelings that you have experienced, good and bad, over the past 9-12 months and practice this clearing with me.

Sit comfortably in a chair with your feet on the floor.
Take a moment to breath into your heart center and just drop your attention there, and out of your head.
Once you feel centered in your heart, shift your attention to the lower body, down to the pelvic floor.
From the base of spine to your perineum, envision a stream of light, like a flashlight. Once that is lit, give it a little magnetic pull and drop that light as far down to the center of the earth as you can... all the way down until it makes contact with the giant quartz crystal at the center of the planet. Now you are anchored to the earth and are fully present in your body. Keep steady attention to your breath, and if your mind wanders, {which it will} just go back to your breath.

Above your head, visualize a ball of golden light. I want you call all of your essence, your divine being that has been left, in places, or with people, events over the past 9 months. This is just a simple act of intention. Say it in your head, "I call all aspects of myself that have been left over this past year with people, places and events" Like that big ball has a magnet sucking all of your beautiful energy back to you.

For me, pictures will show up as well as just bits of light energy, I see myself, in the experience, the woman I was last summer, last fall having a difficult times, arguments, moments of sadness, stress, a near death experience with Darren and I see that version of me, come towards the light and I hug her and bring her lovingly into the light.

This is called "retrieving the lost pieces of self"
Keep going until you feel all the fragmented pieces of you over your year or season have been brought into the here and now of that ball of light. That ball of light should be getting really big now.

Now, bring that energy into you. Let it pour from the top of your head all the way through your body and give your self a big a golden shower. Let golden light surround you, flow through you and hang out in your energetic juices. Some of that energy might flow through you and release into your grounding cord to the earth to be purified, and some we are going to harmonize, particularly anything that's really sticky.

From your heart center, I want you to expand your energy out, fill your room, fill your house, your city, your provinces or state, your country, the planet. Feel the total expansion and oneness of your being expanding out into the atmosphere through the cosmos until you, yourself become a universe with your consciousness like a sun in the center.

Allow all the events and energy of year to expand with you, becoming one with the oneness of the universe, give it all over to be recalibrate back to love. When you feel it is done, and the vibrations are dissolved, start to bring your attention back to your heart center.
Once back in the heart, then direct your attention to your grounding to the planet.

Take a moment also to feel your connection to the cosmos from your crown on the top of your head and pull that clear clean energy through your body and down your grounding as well, giving yourself one last awesome vibrational fumigation and thank the universe for releasing all that no longer serves you in the present and through all time and space.

I found this very therapeutic and I feel much less attached to the outcomes of some of the issues I am facing. Especially the emotional attachments to others that I just have no control over.

On a weird note: When I came across this image as a visual for this meditation, I was like, "oh yeah that's perfect!" I opened the link and it was attached to a March 20th equinox meditation. The exact spirit and inspiration behind my teaching today ;)
 I love that. I attached the other one for fun as well.

Friday, March 15, 2013

Day 25 60 Days of repellent...

Maybe I should have titled this blog "How NOT to attract everything you want into  your life."
Or better yet "60 days of repellent"
I hope you guys are learning from me. I never set out to tout myself as a master, not just yet.
This is a demonstration of trial by fire. I hope my beautiful devout readers get that.
Here is what I have learned so far:

Letting go and letting God is a lot harder that it might seem. It is almost impossible not to observe your reality and think, how the hell is this possibly going to be OK?
It's difficult to see the Divine in a loved one who is being (what I perceive ) a selfish ass, never mind holding a space for love, compassion and healing when what you really what you want to do is smack them.  I need to give birth, and I want to go home and be in the arms of my baby daddy and yet again, talks seem to have fallen apart. Why? Because I am trying to get my agenda met.

It's difficult not to place conditions on a situation, and by situation I mean a person in your life who is not behaving or giving you what you think you need, in an attempt to give yourself the perception that you have some control. Let's face it, you don't. And apparently neither do I.

What am I going to do about this? I am going to surrender to the fact, that maybe it won't work out the way I had hoped. Maybe it won't ever be the way I think it should be, or what I think I want it to be. Maybe it will be completely different. Maybe I will be abducted by aliens tomorrow and none if this shit will matter. Maybe I have won the lottery, or pigs will fly or Matt McConaughy will show up in Whistler and declare his undying love for me... (it could happen)  I am going to take the attachment off the outcome of it all together. Because the fact is, I can't predict the outcome.
And I can't make someone else want what I want, or be ready to forgive or let go or do anything for that matter.

 I am going to get into the moment, every moment and ask my self the question "In this moment, is there anything wrong?" Well let's see...  In this very moment I am sitting on my bed with my doggy snoring beside me, taking my therapy with this laptop and enjoying the knowing that there are lovely, beautiful souls out there who will get a kick out of this material as soon as I hit "publish". Nothing is wrong in this now moment. I would have to either go into the past, or into some potential future to be able to find something wrong.

 Every time a thought pops into my head that has some sort of time frame or condition, and by condition I mean "If he doesn't (fill in the blank) by such and such a time or in such and such a way, or say such and such, then I will be left no choice but to do xyz.

Will the world end if today I don't have the answers to my questions within the time frame that I have set forth? If I reached my "deadline" and nothing was resolved, what would happen? Probably nothing really. Hell, I can pop out a kid almost anywhere, millions of women do it every day.
I will go through the worst case scenario in my mind, and ask myself, could I live with that? What are the reasons for the "decisions" I would be forced to carry out and what would be the cost of my ultimatum? Will it get me what I want in the long term? Who would I be? I think you would find, upon closer examination that, in fact the world wouldn't end, and you would be you, and it probably isn't going to get you any closer to what you want, probably quite the contrary. Again, listen to your cognitive brain, and then call bullshit. It's purpose, is to illuminate the expansion your inner being is calling you to; not to tell you the truth.

For today I will question all my conditional thoughts and give myself an opportunity to come up with alternate choices for responding and some alternate solutions, or alternate probabilities for my assumptions and take the resistance off a little. Does that fact he is taking longer to process mean he doesn't love me? It probably means he is scared and he needs to come to terms with some do I need to take it personally or blackmail, or guilt him into getting on board? Is that going to give me the relationship I want? It hasn't worked so far.

 Abraham-hicks says that there are more that 30,000 opportunities for you to align with anything you could ever want all around you at any given time. You just have to align yourself to the frequency of it. So what is it that I want, really? Is it really that I want Darren to co-operate with my timeline? In the way or with the words that I have determined appropriate? Or, is it the feeling of love, and well being and security and togetherness that I am wanting. To feel at home in the arms of someone who loves me and my baby. It's not my job to figure out the how, and or when or maybe even the who, the universe is lining up, (Matt could give me that...)  there may be all kinds of other options for me and baby. I just have to stay in the feeling of having it, and let go of the who, what, when, where, and how.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Day 24 The past is perfect

It's times like these that present the opportunity to really examine the fixed beliefs that are keeping us on the hamster wheel of more-o-the-same-crap-o-ttration.

I was listening to an interview with an awesome speaker and spiritual guru named Rikka Zimmerman.
Her message was perfect and spooky, given the subject matter of my posting yesterday.

Her message is this: Poor training has provided us with a set of fixed cognitive beliefs that keep us locked in the separation between you, and the truth of who you are. We are stuck in herd mentality.
Uncover those beliefs, and there is your to-do list of transformational work. Harmonizing those fixed beliefs is the key to aligning with your inner being and all the love and abundance it has been waiting to bestow upon you.

I was a difficult child; I still am. Knowing what I know now, I am going to, not only love and forgive myself, I am going to give myself a good old pat on the back. I was blessed with a strong sense of my inner being from an early age, and I was very vocal about it. Ask my mother; it hasn't changed. It's probably why I am drawn to the esoteric mysteries of the universe, and discovering our place within it.

I knew, that I knew, what I knew and any attempt to conform me or stick me with some belief or label or limitation that my inner being knew to be a lie, was met with sometimes violent opposition. The sad bit is;  despite my severe response, those lies stuck. I suspect my resistance to them made me stickier still.

So often in my life, I have felt like a caged animal, repressed by some unseen force. I am determined to break free from my captivity. The captivity of unconsciousness.

I am so tired of my life being made wrong, or being worried about, or perceived as failure by well intended do-gooders who want to fix and or rescue and or teach me a lesson so they can sleep at night. There is nothing fucking wrong with me, or you for that matter. There are no mistakes and every experience you create in your life is adding to the vibrational expansion of the universe, people.
We have an expression in skiing, {well I do any ways.} "If you aren't crashing, you aren't skiing hard enough." Does taking a big spill once in a while make you a failure or a loser? Even if it means your friends have to you pick you up, knock the snow out of your goggles or retrieve your ski from half way up the hill? No. It means you are a fearless mo-pho and you kick ass.

Inside the fixed, or cognitive beliefs that we are holding onto and by beliefs I mean:  I screw everything up, I don't deserve to be loved, I am wrong, or bad... whatever those thoughts are that are keeping us stuck are also the key to our salvation. It's the shopping list of the work you need to do in order to unlock all the love and money and bliss the universe is waiting to bestow upon you. The universe is calling you to it and the universe can only meet you where you are, so you better get a map and mark a big red X on where you are and then get busy. All that banging your head against the wall trying to find happiness, or worthiness and justification of your existence that leads you to nothing but broken hearts and empty bank accounts is your inner beings way of spelling out to you what old beliefs need to be dispelled.

Your cognitive mind will give you the map. listen closely to everything you think, but don't blindly believe any of it. It is simply an aspect of your inner guidance system, the same as fear. Always listen to your fear... and then do the exact opposite. Have you ever acted on something out of fear of loss, or failed to act out of fear of what you might accomplish?  The things your cognitive mind believes are the very things keeping you from manifesting your dreams.

Rikka does an awesome visualisation for what she calls "harmonizing" the blockages and fixed beliefs. Remember, the past is perfect, there are no mistakes. So put down the mallet you have been beating yourself with and shut, tune, or muzzle out anyone in your life who thinks they know better, or would have done it differently than you. I guarantee they have more than their share of reasons to want to make themselves feel better by making you feel worser.. (that's not a word I know, but I like the sound)

I was so relieved to listen to this lady Rikka today, because her message was just the affirmation that I needed. I have attached a link to the interview if you want to listen to the whole thing.

48 HOUR REPLAY: Rikka Zimmerman
Bringing Your Miraculous Life into Being

Day 23 Your inner being is calling...

I had a very entertaining day hanging on the mountain with my uncle Mike.
Mike lives in the Yukon, and is not my "real" uncle, but has known me since I was in diapers and is the closest thing I have to one; so the title is his. He is also one of the most fun, and unpredictable guys you''ll ever meet.

Mike showed up this morning on a snowboard.
An hour into the day he decided that a 20cm day of Whistlers finest snot was a good day to convert back to skiing after 15 years. His judgement might have been a little skewed by the fact that I make deep heavy coastal powder skiing look so damn easy... as it turns out, that wasn't so for him. I have the video footage to prove it.

I want to talk about inner guidance.
I want to talk about the idea that getting practiced at the law of attraction really means you have to dial up the volume of your inner guidance and dial down the volume on all of the well meaning voices in your outer vicinities, even the ones you go to for guidance, the even the ones who's voices you really trust. You must learn to filter those voices through the discernment of your inner being.
The calling of your highest guidance is coming from that voice even in the smallest of daily choices.

Two years ago yesterday I was texted by some guy I had exchanged an email or two with on plenty of fish. The night before he had also texted me and asked me to meet him for a drink. I blew him off... the next night, I almost did it again, opting to do laundry instead. A voice in my heart said "Adrienne, no exuses. He won't ask you again. Get your ass in the shower and go..." I did. It was Darren.

You might say given the circumstances that it was a mistake. But it was not. He and I were destined and my inner being knew  it. So did his. There are a string of random decisions that were made by both of us that led to that meeting. Our inner guidance, inuition and an aligning of the cosmos and then an instant recognition of being connected to one another. He said he knew when he saw my picture on my profile that I was "the one" ... I told him after four days that I had been waiting for him...and I felt as though I was teatering on the edge, ready to dive in whenever he gave the go ahead.

No matter what we have put each other through this past year, there is a purpose and I believe we aren't done yet, not even close. And only I can know that. No one outside looking in can.

 I feel very strongly that the most powerful thing I ever taught my son was to listen to his inner being even over my voice. The voice of reason and motherly good intentions. I wanted him to recognize that voice within him and I used every opportunity as he was becoming a pre-teen to do so.

 Even though we often feel within our right as a friend or family member or even as a loving mother, to assert authority, dole out advice, or judgement around a choice or situation;  no matter how logical, practical or justified one thinks they are life experience is mine, by divine right. I am the only one with direct access to my inner being. The only one.

Let's take my situation. There are the logical, surface, face value 3D realm aspects of this experience I am going through that could easily be judged in a myriad of ways by a myriad of people....lots of people have opinions. Well intentioned of course, about how I should feel, or what I should do or should have done differently and they have many rational justifications for their point. But only I know what's in my heart. What calling by my inner being brought me to this point.

Not every relationship or life experience warrants the kind of focus and attention I am giving this one. I believe in the this love I have for Darren and believe there is an opportunity of real soul healing, if we can cut through the ego; and only I know the risk or reward. Some things you know in your heart are in your reality because there is an opportunity for healing some aspect of your inner being that will change you forever. Only you know your truth of it. You may not know how you will reach your destination but somewhere in your soul you have decided to take the journey.

I have never heard of a miracle cancer survival story that goes like this... "the doctors told me I was going to die, and I believed them. I did exactly and only what they told me to do and a miracle occurred. My cancer disappeared"  No, but you do you hear this: "The doctors told me I was going to die, and I thought, fuck that! I got to work on listening to my inner being and asking how I can heal this body. I prayed, and I asked for guidance and the opinions of experts that had faith in my recovery, and I found remedy abc and xyz.  After an incredible and heroing journey of my soul and transformation of a lifetime was I able to heal my body and it was a miracle."
It's no different creating miracles in your financial, or emotional life, and no one can give you a diagnosis, prognosis or cure for what life conditions ail you, but you.

No no one can tell me when my love for someone is dead, or should be dead, or I should kick someone to the curb. Every dis-ease brings with it an opportunity for healing and transformation.  I am on a mission to become the most expanded version of me I can be. Even if that means walking through the depths of hell to get there. I am stubborn like that. I want the holy grail. I want to uncover the mysteries of life as they are parallel and reflected in my 3D experience. I am here to plumb the depths of my soul and see what I am made of.

Every personal relationship has something to teach us in varying degrees and just how far down the rabbit hole you want to go, and to what end you; only you and your inner being can know.
As for me, I am choosing to see the expanded view. The opportunity for transformation that is only possible when you are brave enough to see your self reflected in another. I let my inner being connect me to the inner being of another and all the ego washes away and I see from another vantage point,  all the hurt and blockages and fear, and also all of the well being that is available if we allow healing in. It's a choice whether to operate from fear or love.

And as for those well intentioned advice givers, naysayer and critics. Who do your opinions and judgements serve? Your inner being? The inner being of your loved ones? Or your own egos need to feel OK about a situation that you want to control, but doesn't belong to you anyway.

Parting words from Abraham-Hicks "You cannot get it wrong and you'll never get it done."

And my personal favorite "Go feather your own nest"

Sunday, March 10, 2013

Day 22 Deep thoughts...

I don't know if it's the approaching spring equinox and or additional daylight we are enjoying as of today, but I finally feel like I am on the cusp of a new beginning. I am a germinating flower breaking through the warming ground ready to greet daylight.

I have plumbed the depths of my soul these last few months and I am ready to emerge out of the darkness. Seasons are a powerful metaphor for the creative process. Winter is the time of epiphany, a time to turn inward ask for clarity, often the clarity comes from some time spent in the darkness, sifting through the rubble of some heartbreak. Once we receive the answers; as in, nudges or intuitions, the spring will water and warm the soil for our creative ideas to germinate and we must then nurture them and watch them grow and unfold. This is the visualizing or believing part of attraction, or creation. Summer is for reaping the harvest or taking action and the autumn for separating the wheat from the chaff which is the sifting through what we have manifested; to separate, as in decide what stays and what goes in your life and of course give thanks for all of your bounty. As you take what you received from the threshing season and return what you don't to the earth,  look forward to a winter of contemplation and epiphany again.. It's the four pillars, or season of the creative process and its as old as the bible. We have just gotten so fixated on the outside world, we have forgotten how to turn inward, and tune ourselves to the natural rhythms of life.

 I learned something today. I learned that there is a purpose to our periods of suffering. It is a time to sift through BIG contrast. The contrast of deep discontent, poverty and unhappiness, be it a job or relationship or illness, or really long ongoing bad situations. It is not a time to be afraid, deny or resist the darkness... and its just not useful to blow smoke up its ass either. There is power in being brave enough to really plumb the depths. Go all the way, own it...go ahead and wallow, ponder and examine. Get clear on what wasn't working for you. That misery is sewing the seeds for the absolute opposite of that to spring forth into your life when you least expect it. Usually, just as soon as you are done wallowing.

That's when it occurred to me that when it comes to small stuff, or other peoples stuff, the who cares stuff; the "she stole my beer" stuff.  Those issues we should get off of right away, and use them as practice. The practice of shifting our attention and focus so that when we are ready to emerge back into daylight from the important issues, we have a pocket full of sunshine all lined up of things to appreciate. Even during our big ugly periods of separation from source its important to practice turning our attention to what IS working out beautifully. Those things will remind us, that things always will, even while we are wallowing.

The reason these issues feel so big and so bad to us, is because within our source, or vortex, the reality of what we do want already exists and it feels like shit to be separate from that. The stronger the reaction to the contrast, the closer you are to getting the actual experience you really want.

Have you ever noticed that really creative, or really successful people spend a good deal of time being really unhappy or unsuccessful before they finally "make it"? The tales of poverty and woe that come from these "self made" or "overnight successes" are powerful. Step one of the law of attraction: ASK  Have you ever notice a friend who just came out of possibly the worst relationship scenario ever, or who lost the love of their lives tragically and then turns around and bumps right into to the person of their dreams?? This is the power of contrast my friends. Do not fear it, and do not try to rescue others from it either.

We all have unlimited resources to face any obstacles and over come any situation or even to transform the most hopeless relationship, when we tap into it the power that creates worlds. That is our source. Our only work is to tune ourselves to the frequency of that source. Meditate, contemplate, question, ponder, pray, play, ask and above all else be open to receive the well being that available to all. We are all love, and loved.

Saturday, March 9, 2013

Day 21 My early morning nightmare... verboding forshadowing of my day

This morning I had a horrible nightmare,
I dreamed that I had a heli-ski trip given to me, and I was beside myself excited.
I went to the place where I was meant to meet the group and I haven't got my skis... the trip is leaving..and I am an idiot who has just fucked up an awesome opportunity.

I am in a panic. Then, in a lucky twist, I am told that I can do a later group and so I go to get my skis..
Only, I can't find my vehicle, or my keys, or both and my second opportunity is now on its way out and what I thought was a lucky break has just become an agonizing exercise in bad luck, bad timing, plain old bad self sabotaging stupidity. In my dream I am crying my freaking eyes out when I finally wake up. I thought, shit, if this is what I am in for today... kill me now.

It's now five 530pm and let me tell you how my day went. My love left me hanging all day before he called to say that a game launch gone bad had squelched any hope of him coming up this weekend for a little bonding and possibly full blown snoggy reunion. Then I very nearly got fired for being stupid, (for the second time) thinking I was being funny...apparently some people think being funny is stupid, sometimes it is; especially when it almost gets you fired...that's all I will say about that... and I lost my Dog.

Sometimes these sorts of days happen. They happen to me a lot lately. I have observed that the more I tune myself to frequencies of my inner world, the less I am able to fake it in my 3D world. The higher I tune my frequency to my intentions, and by tune my frequency I mean focused attention and emotions; and the universal timing has not quite given the green light {usually because it's got a better plan or version than our pea brains could fathom} the better the odds I will over shoot the target, and ultimately hit myself in the foot. Let's face it, we are all in the process of learning the laws of attraction and how to yield and wield our creative powers. We are infants learning to walk in consciousness... we need to go easy and lay off the peddles.

Where did it all go wrong? This mounting and building emotion that is calling me to make my way home before this baby comes is causing my point of attraction to start creating potential circumstances for that happening, any way it can... danger zone. I need this job, and its a good job for me right now in a lot of ways... getting canned would not be cool, even if it did get me a one way ticket to my beloveds doorstep and although I am sure I would not be turned away; its not how I want things to go down.

All week long with Darren and I, things have been hit and miss. When things aren't unfolding or going your way, there are elements that are either still in the process of aligning, and or things that are moving out of your alignment. These periods of focused intention and deliberate creation with all 3D moving parts in flux can look like chaos if we don't back off a bit and go general...another good example of that was my door crashing ambush to "pack my things" that ended in a firey wreckage and one garden buddha casualty.

Going general looks like this: I know I kind of screwed up at work, my strong emotions and restlessness are really stirring things up and that's OK, because it always works out in the end.
Or: I was disappointed that Darren couldn't make it up this weekend, but at least I got him to tell me he loves me... even though it was coerced. He still said it. Maybe the timing is just a day or two off and things will go even better if I just back up and allow it to unfold. Or even more general: Today didn't go so well, but that's OK; I found the dog. Or when shit really hits the fan: I don't have to think about this stuff right now...doesn't matter I don't have the answers right now.
Now that last one may sound like a bold faced pile of denial... good. You cant solve any issues from outside of the vortex of well being, and you cant get into the vortex by focusing on your issues. So get off the subject and go general until you feel good, and then peek again; if the vortex spits you out, just repeat the process.


Friday, March 8, 2013

Day 20 I was really dissapointed in this video...

I have to comment...
You guys are drama addicts!
My page views skyrocketed with my stalker style love ambush... I love you guys...

I would really love feedback, and by feedback I mean.. "Adrienne we want to hear more on processes", or "Adrienne, I have this situation... help!" not the "dump him!" kind of feedback, because I know that's what many of you are thinking...people,  everyones journey is their own, and as candid as I have been with my tales of heartache and woe... he has his version too... and besides.. how would I keep you entertained with the key source of all my anguish, extinguished??

So, LIKE me damn it! So I can bring you more great content and that content can one day fill a self help book or a movie or something really cool...  I want to know what you want more of, what you want less of and to share your questions and experiences with me on my  page!
Leave your comments...

As promised... Here is my chat with my super awesome friends and law of attraction "Guru" Sarah Thambosso from Leash on Life Coaching.

I was really disappointed in this video, because at the end.. Sarah asked me for a tampon and we had a little chat about it, because I am preggo and don't need them so much but apparently I had a back stock of giant pads... it seems to have been lost on the cutting room floor. I would have left that in, it was very informative.

Sarah is doing a law of attraction relationship and communication workshop at the Squamish public library this Sunday March 10th at 12pm -3pm
The cost is $49 at the door and $29 in advance
You can contact her at

I attended her intro to Law of Attraction at Whistler PL a few weeks ago and let me tell you she is funny and informative and the food is awesome... Thank you Nesters!

If you have any, and I mean any kind of questions about the kind of relationships you are attracting or not attracting into your life, then this event is for you!

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Day 19 Ciff hanging conclusions...

After my stealth stalker love ambush and the dream catcher was left hanging on the door, I went back to Jane's house and went to sleep. I made sure to leave an email, clarifying the context of the dream catcher which of course went unread; on account of Mr. Negatives determination to only focus on anything that will paint me in the light of (his admission) "the worst person in the world". As it turns out, all of my preparatory love emails had gone unread... he did however (again, his admission) spend countless hours reading all the fuming angry emails that I sent over the past few months. He also spend all of his focused intention on looking for signs from the universe that would also support his theories and paranoia...sort of in the same way I was looking for sign to light the path of love, he was looking for signs to light the path of destruction. Law of attraction is powerful... Darren knew too much and not enough, about the law of attraction and he was now a danger to himself, and me.

Needless to say he had set his intentions on negative, so the universe was having its work cut out... but like all heroes journeys. light always prevails over dark, as long as the light bearer doesn't give up hope. (that would be me in this case) Also, like any good heroes journey, there are some bumps in the road to test faith.

The morning rolled around, and I made one last attempt at making contact in order to confirm our meeting time etc... no answer. I arrived at the house early, looking all pretty (remember plan "crumble him") with a nice snug shirt to show off his baby in my belly... and no Darren.

The dream catcher hung on the door right where I left it. I had to wrestle my imagination and jealousy to the ground trying to find reasons why it had not been moved and where he may have slept last night, with some limited success. As I sat in the car making repeated unanswered phone calls and emails; the appointed hour came and went. I was devastated. I had done everything right, played by the rules, did everything I could to show him that I just wanted a peaceful meeting, be it to determine the end, or a new beginning. I was going to be cool. My mantras were not really working but I was trying.

After an hour and a half, I had to pee and I was ready to abort the mission. I knew this was a possibility; that memories and trauma from our past, compounded by the drama and trauma of his marriage and divorce (if any of you have read my "Mommy in a blender" blog you know what I'm talking about) could trigger any number of PTSD responses in him. So I was trying to be objective, again with limited success.

I took out my journal, tearfully and with much dramatic gusto ripped out a drawing I had made on the front page. I was artistically really bad {as you can see as I have attached it} albeit a deeply meaningful drawing that I made as another visioning exercise. Interestingly the vision appeared to me in a yoga class; the image of Darren and me and the kids all together in a love embrace, it was an image I felt I was meant to draw and make real...It was about to be made into a weapon of guilt.                 ( Please don't laugh, I am no artist... but its kinda cute .... no? )

 I tore out the picture, flipped it over and left him a hand written guilt trip about how unfair and mean he was and how fair and loving and peaceful I had been and he could just go to hell...I rolled it up and stuffed it into the hole of my dream catcher {that I had also hand made}.

By 11.30am I finally received an email, apologizing on the one hand, and then justifying his inconsideration that "I knew it was a busy week for him and he had a game launch and that it was ultimately my fault..." on the other.

Indignantly I reminded him, that he had agreed on the time and that I had made many attempts to let him know we were on; all went ignored. I was livid at his half hearted apology and defensiveness more than anything else. But I could hear in his voice; after listening to my hurt and frustration, that he even he knew he had crossed the line, and that none of his fears that I had malicious plans or intent towards him were justified. But it was too late.

By 6.30 pm he managed to pry himself from work and I met him at the house. I tried, I really did. I tried to calm myself with my mediation recordings and chanting...but I had just spent the entire day, upset and now the prospect of packing in the dark, this late in the day was overwhelming to me. On the upside, he looked like hell, like he hadn't slept in months, let alone been out snogging other women...this secretly made me happy.

I went to the front door and instead of letting me in the front, he went to the garage and opened the doors. This incensed me. After all he put me through today, he was going to confine my access to the garage. I took one look at him and launched... I was so hurt and I think he could see it. I think it was hard for him to see me and he realized he was just being an ass, and so he tried to coax me inside to talk. But by then it was too late... the next thing I knew I was ranting and raving and rifling aimlessly through wreckage of everything I owned that had been tossed into garbage bags and left in the garage.

I should have prepared myself for that. But I wasn't prepared. The next thing I knew, the orange ceramic Buddha I had bought for the garden was going to pay with this its life... good thing is he gets to reincarnate because this lifetime he ended up in a pile of shards on the garage floor.

I stormed out, got in the truck and left. This was my test. My faith and my hope at reconciliation was hanging by a thread and I just did everything I promised myself I would never do again. I lost it.

Here's where one has to let go. I was so mad at myself. I had to turn it back over to God. I sat in the car, crying and apologizing to my loving angels, who I knew were working double time to help me sort this out, and I set us all back. Damn it.

The phone rang it was Darren, and he was sorry. Really sorry. He could see my hurt and realized he had been villainising me just a little, but to his credit; not totally unsubstantiated, ask the Buddha.   I didn't quite get the face to face I wanted. But I did get the next four hours of real communication. It was the first time since long before I left that we really listened to each other. All hope is not lost.

Day 18, 19 drama filled nail biting and worth the wait blogging

Wow, OK a whirlwind few days.
Where to begin..
There is power in holding a vision, or an intention.
Even if we screw it up, or have temporary lapses of belief in the situation, and by lapse of belief I mean all immediate and obvious evidence shows that its all going to hell in a hand basket... when things start to turn, you just have to trust the process and give divine timing over to the Universe.

This is where using mantras such as the "Nam Myoho Renge Kyo" really comes in handy in a pinch.
I used it a lot over the last two days. Fear not, as there is always opportunity for recovery when you know the universe and your powerful intention have your back. Even if you think you have completely F'd it up.

After almost 3 months away, I finally felt strong enough, and ready to make my move. To go see Darren, face to face. I had finally surrendered control of the situation... and by surrendered control I mean... I got my power back. I no longer felt like a weeping heap of dung and I knew that no matter what, I was going to be fine, and the Universe would deliver me exactly where I needed to be... just then; I felt the universal nudge. It's important to tune yourself to those nudges. The universe always has the best, right and perfect timing to support your cause. When you feel the nudge, its time to take deliberate action.

I had arranged a meeting time at the house, I had my roust all set of needing to pack up my stuff to move and get some clothes, and my timing excuse of having a midwife appointment. What I really wanted however, was just to see him face to face in the hopes he would take one look and my and the big belly and crumble. I also knew that more than likely, before the crumbling... they could be chest pounding. And so I had another mantra, "No matter what he says, or what he does, I am enough" I think at that point I felt it was make it or break it. I have just over 12 weeks before this babe arrives and if I was ever going to get my family back then I needed to make my move or cut losses and move on.

I had been holding the vision and setting the stage pretty well. I was planting all my loving seeds of intention. I had given Darren lots of warning that I was coming and called when I got into town. I didn't get upset when I wasn't getting an overwhelming come hither response. In fact I got blocked from my initial meeting time, and I rescheduled without fuss... what I needed to remember was the other party was still operating from extreme hurt and fear and was totally stressed about seeing me and my bump for the first time in months.

I  was driving into Stanley Park after taking my beautiful son Shawn on a dinner and movie date. I dropped him back at my moms place and headed towards the north shore back to my friends Jane's house. It was about 930 pm and I knew Darren was working late with a big launch;, which is why our initial meeting time that day went south.  I was trying to decide if I should make a semi stalker-ish move and leave him a dream catcher that I made, with all the little beads representing him and me and all of the children. Cheesy I know... but whatevs. It was part of my "visioning" the outcome I wanted. My family and my man back together and healed and happy.

My "drive by" love ambush would require me to stay center lane and head west off the bridge to my/Darren's house, Jane's was a right lane east turn off the bridge. So I asked the universe and my angels to give me a sign as to which way I should go.. I don't know if any of you have ever asked for a "sign" but it can be VERY effective and entertaining. I took a solo trip last summer to Mt. Shasta Ca. for a summer solstice spiritual retreat, as I was driving down I5 in southern WA. I asked, "Give me a sign that this trip is going to be good for me" and just then, in the middle of a farmers field I look up and see a big sign nailed to a telephone pole that said "TRUST JESUS" I loved it! Confirmed.

 So just as I get into causeway, the outside right hand lane lights turns yellow and then red! The center lanes are the ones that switch to accommodate heavy traffic flow, not the outside lanes so I am already thinking "really?" as I am driving over crest of the bridge, a city works vehicle is cruising slowly in the right  hand lane with a GIANT yellow light arrow strobing to stay left. I couldn't believe it. My path had been marked in a giant yellow strobing arrow... stalker love ambush was go.

I drove up to house and felt the slight pang of disappointment he wasn't there, but decided to hang the dream catcher on the door and leave an email message as to what it represented, so he wouldn't think I was leaving some creepy curse thingy... because he is capable of that sort of negativity. I blame his mother; for everything.

I don't know about you, but this is where I usually start down the hill, and forget to stop peddling...
I get really focused on how I want things to go, and forget that the "how" is not my job.
HOW is not your job. {I just wanted to reiterate that point.} Your job is to set your intentions, follow the nudges, the signs and then act... completely letting go of HOW it will all go down in the end.
So I had created  all these expectations around how it all would go when I made my appearance. As I said before, expectations are the number on cause of disappointed

Every time we start to control the hows, the universal plan gets undermined and has to scramble to get things back on track, so expect delays. Especially when the universe is trying to line up multiple parties and really especially when one of the parties is being an obstinate bugger and will probably not be in thier "vortex" of love and hearing the nudges, and or just plain ignoring them...

OK, plot set. Tomorrow the dramatic conclusion of the first face to face...emphasis on drama... but fear not, alls well that ends well. The universe has my back :)

Sunday, March 3, 2013

Day 17 No man is worth wrinkles...

I think I'm getting tired. Tired of paddling upstream. Which is apparently a good thing according to the laws of attraction. It's so stupid because I know this stuff, and I practice and start to see some shifts and little evidences of the universe lining things up, and just when things might actually unfold on their own in the direction of what I want, I grab those oars and start paddling madly like an idiot.

It's like riding a bike, once you start down a hill and gravity takes over, you ease up on the peddles a little and trust that gravity will take you at just the right velocity until the road turns upwards a little and your experience calls you to more expansion, or to take a turn in another direction. You don't put your feet on the peddles and start madly peddling at the speed your bike is traveling downhill? The shear effort is libel to throw you right off balance and send you into the bushes.
The gravity and I am referring to in this metaphor, is divine timing. It doesn't need to be peddled. It has the Grace of God to back it up.

I don't know why I let myself get beat up by someone, whom probably has no clue how badly he is beating me up. I am truly just beating myself up, and I should be minding my own business, but I so badly want him to cooperate. I am guessing he is probably so busy beating the drum of how badly he has been beaten up because he was too busy trying to make me cooperate, my lack of cooperation to him seemed like an assault, and so says the law of attraction; somewhere in the high reaching vibrations of our co-creative "ASKING" is a perfect and divine relationship just calling us to it. I bet its true because I know that 99% of the things that I have complained about D not doing or giving or being, are exactly the same things he is complaining about me, not doing or giving or being. It's a perfect match.

In fact, the louder and longer the asking for something, as in the more painful the experience... and by painful I mean yelling and breaking things, and breaking up and other fantastic acts of complete frustration at the separation from God, the stronger and clearer and brighter the vibrational version of it becomes.

I know somewhere in our "vortex" we have created a magnificent relationship.
However, right now I am too angry and hurt to give a shit about that relationship, I just want it to stop, mostly because there isn't enough botox in the world to take off the years this hurt is hanging on my face. No man, is worth wrinkles. No man.

It's a crying shame, and I literally mean bawling; just ask my pillows, my dog, and my yoga mat... its a crying shame that D and me have spent all of our energy trying to wrestle the other to the ground instead of just getting into our own alignment by feathering our own nests then we would align with the relationship we desire. If we only held the other in the highest vibrational version of the other instead of trying to beat each other into submission...the vortex of love and well being is calling, and calling, and calling us to go, and we are obstinate buggers,
{as Abraham- Hicks would say} and refuse to go.

So, tired can be a good thing, because once we give up and let go of our resistance {wresting the issue to the ground and beating it with a stick} that sneaky old vortex will suck us in. It's always calling and sucking. So give it up people...that's the work; to give it up. Although it doesn't have to be as painful I am making it. That's why I write, so you can all benefit from my stupidity. Aren't I nice?

OK so exciting news... my friend Sarah Thambosso, will be giving a workshop on the Law of Attraction here in Whistler, and the topic, gratefully is "Relationships"

I will be video interviewing her on Tuesday and we will post it for you here if you would like to meet her.

She is a gifted intuitive and transformational coach, certified law of attraction guru.

Stay tuned for that interview...