Sunday, August 18, 2013

Making choices.

There is nothing easy about the life we are experiencing here on this planet.
There is pain and happiness. There is no way to avoid the pain, not today anyway. We have to learn to use our mental abilities to consciously look for the joy within the struggle. To be able to do so is not always the default setting that most of us are programmed with. We are often conflicted with different emotions on any particular life drama. I think sometimes we look at the lives of the people around us and think, "man, if only I had that persons positive outlook... I'd be so much happier. So and so really has it all together" but as I have gone through this experience in close relationship with the women in my life who have been so unconditionally loving and supportive I realise, nobody gets off easy. It's a daily conscious mind set to "be positive" and some days are a fucking struggle. For everyone.

I think expectation is the stealer of happiness in every day moments. We expected to do better, for things to be different, finally "make it", heal that relationship, lose 20 pounds, have that loving partner, ring on finger, be a mom by such and such a date. Then I will be happy, have arrived, give myself permission to enjoy life and love myself. Expectations are the thieves of happiness. They keep us from embracing the beauty, the joy and even the suffering, and feeling the empowerment of releasing the suffering by choice in any given moment.

There is nothing like the clock watch of an impending birth to start the timer on an expectation.
There is nothing like realizing that the moment has arrived, and the dream has been left somewhere in the dust several miles back to force yourself to make the choice: to sink into disapointment, self pity or despair and rob your self of the joy that is available in that moment, or to embrace that moment for exactly what it is. A moment of truth, a moment in time, a moment to milk ever ounce from.

The day of Pax's birth came one month early to the day, and an eternity too damn late for any happy reunion. The dream of having the love and support of my partner during labor, or to share the joy of bringing a life into the world and loving that being as much as only the two people who created it can, was over.  It still hurts me to think about it, and there is a hole in my heart that is so deep with disappointment, sometimes it's hard to even breathe.

So when the moment came at 3am on May 10, that I rolled my belly out of bed to go pee as I did 100 times a night and my waters burst all over the floor I knew it was time to make that choice. I was at  home completely alone and this was my moment of truth.
First of all I reconciled for myself that my beautiful peaceful home birth was not going to happen. I knew there was a chance I wouldn't make it to full term given the stress I had been under, and I can't blame Pax one bit for wanting to get the hell out of there as soon as humanly possible.

I called my midwife, then I called and texted Jane 100 times who just happened to be out that night and I laid back in bed and cried my eyes out. Somewhere between the tears I managed to focus my watery eyes long enough to send Darren one last "fuck you" for being a selfish coward. And I let him know, I would never ever forgive him (not that he has or will ever asked me to, so its an empty threat really) I made my choice. I could do this, and nobody was going to steal this moment from me.

Friday, August 16, 2013

Better to have loved and lost....than to live with a psycho for the rest of your life

Leading up to the high speed car chase was as I described yesterday, weeks and months of futility in the retrieval my personal property from the house. After the "incident" I went home and sat down with Jane and I drew my line in the sand, that was it. No more contact. I was resolved that what I didn't have, I didn't need. If that meant me rolling my fat belly off a futon onto the floor at 8 and 9 months pregnant then so be it. I wasn't going to put myself or my baby through any more drama.

Well, OK maybe one more little itty bit of drama.

After several hours of conspiring, Jane and I decided we would make one last attempt at breaking my stuff out. Most, not all, but most of my bedroom furniture was left in the garage. And Jane being Mexican was quite convinced she could break in.

 We all know about the initial break and enter I performed, right? That time was primarily a reaction to extreme jealousy and some uncontrollable urge to feel some sense of power in a situation I was completely powerless. This break and enter? This was totally legit. I needed my stuff. We were done, finished, over, and I was having a baby and we needed a home. Everything other than my bedroom suite could wait for a judge to deal with.

Two days later, Jane and I snuck over during the day while D was at work (D not only stands for Darren, but it also stands for some other choice words that actually better describe him) D had gotten smart and taken croquette mallets and shoved them against the windows so they wouldn't slide... as if I gave a shit. Jane ran around checking all the doors and windows and I thought, no more messing around, if we're doing this, we're doing this like we mean it. I kicked the garage window in. Bam. In. Then proceeded to climb my 7 month belly through to small window into the garage onto all the broken glass. Why things had to get to this I will never, ever, fully understand. Although, I have some theories and I will regale you with them later.

The other thing the D did was unhook the power cord to the garage door switch. Smart.
So Jane and I start carrying drawers from my dresser, the dresser and anything else we can out to the car through the back door of the garage, as the cute little Dutch Gnome neighbors are in their yard are watching. We decide to pick up the pace in case they call the police and I begin to have my story formulated in my head just in case I get questioned. As Jane and I stood there staring at the dresser, and the door of the van at a complete loss as to how we were going to get it inside, Mr and Mrs Gnome come waddling across the street with smiling eyes and rosy cheeks. I braced myself, and  little man says "do you need a hand?"

Now at that moment I knew there was no way in hell they missed the screaming profanity gong show of the previous day. I made sure everyone with in 10km knew that D was a cheating lying bastard who was too cowardly to come out of the house and help his very pregnant ex move her stuff while his big ass truck sat there. He watched as I lifted boxes and chairs into a mini van, me crying my fat belly eyes out at the shear absurdity of his decision to barricade himself in the house. At one point I suggested that if this was going to be his level of maturity, he better figure how we were going fit a baby in a mail slot so he wouldn't have to come open the door. I am sure they listened while I bawled, and sat in the garage refusing to leave; engaged in a Mexican style standoff, and by stand off I mean resolved find a corner of rug to curl up on and stay there all night just to make my point. Darren would periodically come out onto the porch above me,looking to see where I was. This went on for about an hour before he finally made a break for his truck by sneaking out the front door and jumping through the bushes making his chase ensued.

But, they were pregnant and cheated on sympathizers. Thank God.

As Mr. Gnome lifted the dresser into the car through the tailgate and Mrs. Gnome commented on my big belly, which resulted in me bursting into tears with both relief that they were on my side and shame of the entire situation and my previous days very public meltdown. She just smiled and said "I know dear, men can be difficult"

I choked "difficult? ... that's not the word I would choose, but OK."

Why couldn't he just be a big man and do the right thing? I will tell you why, this is a man with so much unresolved pain he has literally broken into pieces. I am beginning to suspect that he has created alternate realities in order to process the annihilation of our relationship and our lives without having to take any responsibility. His ego says "this bitch is crazy man, so what she's pregnant, she totally did that to screw you over and take all your money. Your probably not even the Dad. She owes you man." Then he proceed to treat me as if it is so, and I get upset.. and by upset I mean go ballistic. Ego validated. The mind and the ego are powerful things, and they will protect themselves at all cost. The expression "cut off his nose to spite his face" This is the kind of downward spiral our egos will send our lives into when we leave our injured inner child to rule the day. The deeper the crevasses in the psyche, the more potential for self deception and the denial that keeps us in what Eckart Tolle describes as the pain body. The pain body unhealed is fertile ground for all kinds of fear, toxicity and mental sickness to be activated, or created by the ego as a self defense mechanism.

Lucifer was the most beautiful Angel in heaven before he fell. Marianne Williamson in her book, a Return to Love, describes the Ego as self-love turned into self- hatred. She states that "It's like a virus in the computer attacking the core system. It is our mental power turned against ourselves, and its not stupid, because we're not stupid. It doesn't come up and say "Hi, I'm yourself loathing."  It says "Hi, I'm your mature adult, rational self. I'll help you look out for number one." Then it proceeds to counsel us to look out for ourselves at the expense of others. It teaches us selfishness, greed, judgment and small-mindedness"

She goes on to say "Taking responsibility for our lives is taking responsibility for our thoughts, and thoughts separated from Love, are a profound miscreation. Most of us are sick of ourselves in one way or another, yet we cling so tenaciously to what we pray to be released from." Fearful, limiting, low self worth, paranoid, "out to screw me over" thoughts; this is not a mindset that cultivates transparency, compassion, intimacy, trust and a genuine desire that the ones we love are living the fulfilling lives they desire, even if its not your own desire. True Love = True Freedom

So here is a wounded soul, who like me and the rest of us just wants to be loved, find peace and happiness. He's not a bad person, I mean Lucifer didn't start out bad either! But when we haven't found peace (or a healthy relationship) within our own mind first, learning to bridge gap between ego and heart, filtering and interpreting fear appropriately. Fear is a powerful guide. In fact you should always LISTEN to your fear, and DO the opposite of what it tells you. Think about that for minute.

Had I done that when I met Darren, my conversation with my fear and then Darren would have gone like this:

D: Listen, I know we have been dating for a few weeks now, spent every day together, talked about babies rolled around in the sac, but I have something to tell you...
A: (Sit down, brace, Oh gawd, he's married... )
D: I have 2 kids.
A:WTF? Why didn't you tell me that before? (slight relief, kids are cool... wives not so much)
D: I'm sorry (puppy eyes, crodile tears) I never thought I would meet you (good ego stroke, con manipulation tactic) And, (insert sob story here: ..too painful...evil ex...dont see them...lies, lies, lies)
A: Ok, Im going to have a shower and process this, give me a minute.

In shower crying, feeling very decieved and dissapointed.

Fear: Ade, baby... you are sooooo happy. He's everything you wanted, and now he has kids too? Thats a good thing!... you don't want to lose this chance, love like this may never come again, everybody lies sometimes, you know it. If you walk away now... who know if you will ever find anyone like this again? Give him a chance... who do you think you are anyway?? You aren't perfect, you probably can't do better do much better...I mean, look at your love life this past 12 years... sucks right? Hey, you know now you have the upper hand, yeah... he now has to earn your trust, you can use this to feel more secure and he will have to blow lots of smoke up your ass!

A: Yeah, I hear what your saying, I am so glad you pointed it out....and it's a load of shit. I am looking at my list if criteria for "life mate" and lying right out of the gate ain't on the list.
In fact, full disclosure and transparency is. The opposite of that.
I will not only be spending the next six months looking over my shoulder wondering what and when the next, "I have to tell you something" convo is coming up to bite me in the ass. I am worthy and deserving of someone you is open and transparent and doesn't operate from this place if scarcity so deep that they lie about things that are part of who they are, IE their own children?? Who does that?
In fact I had a feeling this guy was hiding something and I just wasn't listening to or acting on it.

D: I'm sorry, (tears) I have ruined the best thing I ever had, trust means everything to me... (gives me the ol' take away... in sales that means he does it to me before I do it to him and it makes me want him more)

A: Yes, you did. Go get some counseling and deal with your "issues" around trust, cause we are done.

So, we all know how that convo really went down. I bought the sob story "puppy eyes" and guess what?? He's been a consistent scarcity monger who lies, steals, is secretive and evasive and makes shit up for fun. Shocking right?

That's how powerful listening to your fear is, but understanding the information and using it to empower you is a whole other skill set. One I am learning now.

Thursday, August 15, 2013

When enough is enough

Maybe it was the realization of how it must look to passersby to see a very pregnant woman in a minivan pursuing an F350 monster truck (compensating) in a high speed Dukes of Hazard style car chase through West Vancouver; force the truck off the road and then get out and scream man hating profanities at the driver inside. Or was it the realisation that any more of this craziness was going to send me into labor right then and there in the middle of a 15th street? Yes, that one. I think that was the moment that I realised that enough was enough. Unfortunately the damage was done and the craziness did send me into labor, two weeks later and 4 weeks early.

This is what passive aggressive stonewalling does to a person. It's emotional abuse. All I wanted was my furniture so that I could make a room for myself at Jane's house and prepare for the birth of my baby. He had chosen Hawaii (an older but lesser and more controllable woman; who fell for his sulking child routine and enabled his co-dependant self first modem operandi) over me and his unborn son and well, that was his choice. But why then does someone feel the need to be so controlling and cruel? It was months and weeks of ignored emails, ignored phone calls, only to be given vague non-committal permissions to get my property back that were never followed through on. This was then followed by false promises to deliver my things which came in incomplete pieces over several weeks, only again to be granted access to the rest, which by that point was a meaningless gesture, since I was too big to move and to broke to hire a mover. This is what finally lead to a buildup of rage so big; topped up by a hormonal stew of needs and emotions that were not being met, that sent me on a one way ticket to crazy town. He is a playground bully. He plays keep away with the ball and torments you until you lose your shit and end up in trouble for sacking him one in the nuts. If only I got the satisfaction of that.

I think we all know by now that I never gave up hope. I may not have always taken the right approach. I let him get to me and my inner child reacted with perverbial nut sacking every time.
I now believe the only approach that might have worked with him would have been "submissive martyr". Stop laughing, that could happen. I never gave up because although I am a free spirit with trucker mouth, I am a traditional girl in some senses. I was having a baby, and I loved this man once, and I couldn't believe that there wasn't a family, or anything else left to fight for.

I was just having a picnic with my mom, sister in law and Jane and all the kids yesterday and it came up that no one really got to know Darren very well because he always had his tongue down my throat. Its hard to talk to people when your tongue is down someones throat FYI. We were crazy about each other and everything and everyone else in the world disappeared when we were together, which was all the time. That's the part I worry I will never get over. We were like 90% perfect, until we weren't.

What I realize now, as I am learning to let go of someone I thought was going to be my partner in crime for life, is that possibilities and potentialities are always coming and going. The universe is always opening and closing doors to healing, expansion and growth. But one has to recognize them, take control of our thoughts and deliberately create the love we seek; walk through the door so to speak. After I sold the nail shop last year, I was on a path to put my life to Gods good use. I was breaking out of the confines of what success looks like and defining my life in terms of fulfillment and purpose, not prestige and bottom line. I was ready to blow the doors off the old programs and paradigms that had been governing my life. To someone with deep seated control issues like D it was just too much. We stood on the precipice together and I could see that spark in him that was getting it, the law of attraction, the higher calling, but when we counted to three; I was the only one who jumped. It was like failure to launch. That was his turning point to take the journey with me or retreated back into fear; the ego's weapon of choice. That's where the downward spiral began. I was just moving too fast for his underdeveloped pineal gland, and his fearful inner child felt abandoned and became pissed off at my nonconformity. And so, he set out on a mission to regain control of me or blow our lives up all together. It was a "inner child Hitler" conducting a relationship holocaust. And he was successful, at least as successful as a holocaust can be.

There have been opportunities along the way this past nine months to get back in step, but for one reason or another, I zigged when he zagged.
Let's face it though, even if we had gotten back in step, and as much as its my mission right now to learn to forgive, I wouldn't ever be able to trust. And those are two different things.

Jada Prinket Smith just posted recently about our traumatised inner child and I believe this is what we come up against in mid life. The more trauma we endure, and negative beliefs, pain, paradigms, patterns or failed relationships we accumulate and fail to heal by not taking 100% responsibilty the more toxic and in disrepair our lives can become. But it's always your choice to tame the beast (the ego) or be devoured.

A letter to a friend:

Our conversation last night made it clear that most of us wear adult faces, but we are actually stuck in our childhood traumas. Some of us demand that our needs be met as if every encounter with the world is a reenactment of encountering the childhood peers who terrorized us or parents who didn't give us enough. The sad part is that most of us don't know that we are ope...rating from these hungry, angry and very demanding emotional wells which create drama in our adult lives. Many have claimed this stage of reckoning with our youthful beliefs and traumas in our late 30s, early 40s as a midlife crisis. It's called a crisis, I suppose, because our youthful beliefs are no longer servicing nor creating the lives we want, and now we are forced to decide whether we want to acquire an adult mind and it skills to lead us, or remain…"youthful". I'd rather not call this particular stage a crisis but rather an opportunity for the ultimate liberation which possibly…either choice could deliver. The beauty is… this is your life to create however you choose.

Be fearless.


Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Don't worry, its gets worse before it gets better... I promise.

I was just glancing back over some of my posts. Truthfully, most of them are just too painful to read. Who do I think I am anyways... Dido?
Then I realised that everyone has a letting go process. The trouble for me, and probably the reason this pain has dragged on so long is; I never had any intention of letting go at all. My intentions all along were to take a break, regroup, shake it off, learn some lessons in love and transform my relationship before the baby came. Because I am just that powerful...I can turn this around! The trouble of course is that two people need to be on that page, and when the other one has his head firmly planted up his ass, or as the case turned out, someone else's ass, it makes things a little more difficult. It turns out in fact that his head had been there since before I had ever left. Shocking right? I know. I just found that out last week. #shock#emotionaltrauma#setback
Let me tell you though shes a lucky girl... and she can have him 'cause this guy is a real catch, and its only the beginning of the things that I would find out that completely blew my mind.
I was reminded of a conversation I had years ago with a good friend who was a drug and alcohol recovery counselor. I was beginning to question what was happening to my marriage to Shawn's dad. Strange behavior, things not adding up, disappearing (including him) and this friend said to me, "Ade, whatever you think, or suspect, times that by ten and you probably are closer to the truth." Turns out my ex husband had been harboring a serious drug problem for 2 years, and the lying and manipulation was so good, I was beginning to think I was going crazy. It's kind of like that.

I am going to spend the next few posts probably bouncing around a bit.
I have to get you all caught up on the goings on over the past four months.
It will read somewhat like this #cheater#prematurebirth #Pax#breakandenter(yes again)#birthing #thief#Angels#liar#beautifulbaby#motherhood#deadbeat#mentalhealthissues(no... not mine)#emotionaltrauma#boxedredwine#faith#universalsupport#divinetiming#bestfriends##moreangels#adavanismyfriend#stealing#carchase#makingfriendswiththeex#awkward#morelying#truthrevealed#completefuckingshock

Have faith, dear readers. It may seem as though its all gone Pete Tong, but there have been more miracles than I can even count, and you will laugh and cry and cheer, and think to yourself once again "yikes, better her than me!" I promise.
"You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find.. you get what you need" -Mick

Sunday, April 21, 2013

and... the end.

I began this blog on Valentines day, February 14 2013.
 It's been 67 days, since I began and I hadn't even realized it, because truth be told, I haven't really been writing every day, as I once was. As my deadlines approached, I felt farther than ever from my goal. The purpose of this blog, aside from being an outlet for me, was to observe and map a path to healing a broken heart and to demonstrate the power of right minded thinking. I also hoped that there would be a happy ending, like every good hero's' journey, in the end he always gets the girl. In this case, she gets her man.
This is not to be the case. Maybe that's why I have been slow and uninspired to write. I feel as though I have failed. Maybe there will be a momentous shift in events, or miracle that drops into my lap, and I will look back and it will all be clear and good and well, but today; it's just moving day, and inside I want to die.

60 days of attraction, feels more like 60 days of grief. I have cried so much for the man I loved and the dreams I had of healing, so we could be a family, and bring baby into this world together. I was on a quest and every corner I turned I  believed that just around it, would be the answer to my prayer, and around every corner I was betrayed. I clung too tightly, and that is counter to the laws of attraction. What we cling to, or fear losing is manifesting the loss. Despite my best efforts to loosen my grip just trust, I would get sucked back down into despair, and desperation.

I have been reading Marianne Williamsons book, Illuminata, Thoughts prayers, and rights of passage.
The book was loaned to me by  my good friend John, and I am grateful for it; albeit surprised by the source. It's a first edition and is signed for him with a personal message to him, by Marianne herself. Sometime friends you thought you knew, surprise you.

Anyhow, I want to share a prayer for a broken relationship, from Marianne's book.

Dear God,
In releasing this man, I surely feel as though my heart is crushed.
I feel as though a limb is gone and a piece if myself is now ripped away.
I pray dear God for the power to love him so totally that I shall not be in pain.
For my Love I know shall set me free
Let not be tempted to try and constrict him, either in my actions or in my thoughts.
May he fly free
May I appreciate the rightness of his need to travel
May I keep my faith and wisdom of all things
May I learn to respect his choices and go where he needs to go
If he finds another to love, may that love flourish for your sake
For truly, the arc of love is a blessing to us all.
Wherever he goes, dear Lord, please go with him
May he be blessed in all his doings.
May he always be happy
May he always be loved
May he find his way

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Day 40 One fish, two fish... Oh look, I caught new fish!

Well... I had a plenty of fish date.
I am not shitting you, it had to be the most awkward and awesome meeting of my life.
Not that the guy made me feel awkward but for God sake I am moving into whale territory; just months from probably the un-sexiest thing a vagina can do, and I'm playing footsie under the table, over a salad with this single dad hottie as he gazes dreamily into my eyes and tells me he would be thrilled to be part of this new life I am carrying and make more babies with me... for real y'all.

So there is life after the "D" word after all. And although yesterday I was a wreck, today I have hope.
Even though I am having to let go of the pictures I had of being with Darren and the new baby, I have to remind myself when the Universe doesn't give you want you want, just wait... because it is most likely getting ready to give you something even better.

Anyway... I have just received a barrage of very sweet confidence building texts from my "new" guy suggesting I spend some time with him, and "don't let Jack-ass take any more of that beautiful love I have to give"... talk about just what I needed. sigh....
Where this will go, at this point I am not concerned... I just feel like we have say YES to beauty in all its forms, when it is delivered to us; with an open and grateful heart. Today I am grateful that the universe sent me someone who is reflecting back to me my worth. Right when I needed it most. It's a good sign that I am coming out of the darkness and am on the road to healing.

Monday, April 15, 2013

Day 39 the final test.. to be love, no matter what.

Being and becoming a mother does funny things to a woman. It makes her prioritise life in new ways.
What was once important becomes meaningless.
My ego, and my own needs are minimized when I consider what I want for my child.
It gives one a new and greater sense of purpose and responsibility to the greater good.

Through my healing, my child is healed. My need to be right or serve my egos agenda somehow disappears into the background. It's not that I don't feel the pain and frustration of not being treated the way I want or that I am blindly bending over and taking it, but I am able to detach to broader view for the purpose of creating what I feel is best for me and the ones I love, even the ones I am mad as hell at. My sense of purpose, allows me to loosen my grip on what no longer serves.
And sitting in anger, resentment and injustice serves no purpose at all.

Yesterday I wrote about who we all are. At the core of our being we are one. In my healing, I can awaken others to theirs. So, last night in my frustration with the poor communication and observation of Darren being stuck in the old patterns of fear, anger and resentment... I asked God to help me see things differently. To find the vantage point that would serve this situation in the highest order.
I don't want a life a dealing with an angry ex. I want a life of co-operate effort. If we can't be together as a family, as least we can work together as parents.

I woke up this morning to a memory of us in a moment of complete intimacy.  It was so vivid in my mind, I could hear his voice and feel his touch. Along with that memory was a gentle reminder that only the love is real. Everything he does and says that is hurtful, or not from love, are the wounds, not the man.

The memory was this: Very soon after, weeks after we met, we were falling in love. I had a few details of his separation and betrayal of his marriage and I asked him. "How can you love me, after all you been through?" His response was, I don't know. My heart is just so open and all I want to do is love you." It brought tears to my eyes, I never felt more loved or more love for a man in my life, as I did in that moment. It was his heart speaking to me from pure source energy. Love.
That is who he is to me.

 I knew that God has placed that memory of him in my mind to give me a thought, a vibration and a touchstone of his inner being. It was his true self in a state of love, and anything contradictory to that was a lie, and illusion.

Does that mean I will ever again have that love with him in terms of an intimate relationship?
Who knows, and it doesn't matter. If I can begin to see all situations and people in my life through the eyes of love and cast out anything that is not, I hold the space for miracles in my life and the lives of those around me. It is the only path to true healing and transformation. Letting my pain and resentment steer the ship will only land me on the rocks, with all my crew on board.

So, it is my mission, for the final 20 or so days of this blog, to only see him for the divine being he is. For my healing, his healing and the well being of my child. This will not be an easy task, I can guarantee you that but I have a higher purpose than being right.
Why be right, when I can be love?

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Day 38-ish The return to love...

I have come to realise that so much of my anger and frustration at this situation is anger towards myself. I feel that part of being able to let go of a relationship is coming to terms with my own regrets and forgiving myself, more than anything. I cling to past because I made mistakes and I want to go back and fix it.  But I can't. I am living with the results of my choices and point of attraction from before. I should have got down on my knees sooner and given my grievances in the relationship over to God, instead of going to battle myself. I realize now the path the God, or enlightenment is through our relationships. The source within us is calling us to transform outdated beliefs and erase old programs and remember who we are and to hold ourselves and others in the context of that divinity and return to love. That is the state of conciousness where miracles roll.

The return to love is the great cosmic drama... and the call to return to love, can be recognized by manifestations of emotional car wrecks in our lives, and the extent of the injuries, equivalent to the degree to which the universe is beckoning us to remember; we are all one Christ collective consciousness.

When we know that, it becomes our business, not only to heal ourselves but to hold the space for healing in one another through love. God is the author of love not fear, we are the manufactures of fear in our 3D reality, not God, and so fear does not truly exists. Love is all there is.

I actually had a doors blow open epiphany of this "love conciousness" many years ago. I was in my bed reading The Power of Intention by Wayne Dyer, and all of the sudden this truth resonated to the core of my being. I was suddenly freed from all limiting thoughts, I was fearless, and had a deep sense of the unconditional love that was at the core of all existence. I jumped out of bed and grabbed a lipstick, as it was all I had and I sensed the moment of epiphany may not linger forever.
 I wrote:  "Love everything, Fear nothing" on my vanity mirror.
It was a profound awakening... and maybe that experience is the touchstone of my hope and belief that I can heal anything and everything that is not working the way I want it to in my 3D reality.
I can manifest miracles through right thinking. I felt the power that is my source of co-creation.

 If only love is real and a person behaves unlovingly, it was derived from fear and therefor it doesn't actually exist. When one behaves unlovingly they have forgotten who they really are. When we forgive, and we stay withing our own alignment and the truth of who we are, (in Divine love) it gives us the power to awaken others as well. Closing our hearts destroys our peace,  and the potential to manifest miracles. Even though it may give our egos a temporary shot of crack, it does not serve our truth.

We sit in our ego and believe that we can nit pick, control, judge and blame others and berate ourselves. We try to will others and things to be act or behave differently. But that isn't our job. Our only job is to return to love.

It is easy to love and forgive people who do not make us angry. Marianne Williamson, in her reflections on A Course in Miracles states that the people who makes us the most angry are our most important teachers. They indicate the limits of our own capacity for forgiveness. The decision to let go of the grievances against others is a decisions to see ourselves as we truly are. It can be hard to let go of your perception of someones guilt... but The Course In Miracles asks.. do you want to be right, or happy?

 Law of attraction would agree that keeping your focus of attention on judgement of someone elses guilt, only serves to keep them stuck in it. The same goes for ourselves. When I am beating myself up, and holding onto regret, I am only perpetuating my state of separation. I am not seeing myself through the eyes of God and my own Divinity.

Relationships are reborn as we let go perceptions of the past. By bringing the past into the present we create a future just like the past. By treating myself and others with compassion and forgiveness I perpetuate a state a change. When I am out of alignment with source, I know it, and to criticize, blame, judge or get angry at me, only perpetuates my stuckness.

When someone you love is behaving unlovingly, your compassion is the most powerful weapon to bring them back to love, not your railing against the behavior. Their behavior is not remember, who they truly are. Now is the time to hold another, or yourself in highest vibrational version you can align yourself to and make room for transformation. To let the past go is to make room for miracles. In choosing to affirm someones guilt we are choosing to perpetuate more of it. The capacity to love in the face of the unloving, is the true barometer of how far you are on your path of awakening.

When we think with love, we are co-creating with God, when we think with fear, we are hallucinating...because fear doesn't not exists at the source of who we are.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

This says day 37 but really its like 42... who's counting? Blog police?

Honest to God, I just don't know how to top the drama of last week...I think that's why I have been experiencing a bit of writers block... I mean B & E's and POF dating at 7 months pregnant? You can't fake that shit people. Truth is crazier, and way more entertaining than fiction. The good news is, my BF Jane bought me The Bloggess Jenny Lawson's first book and memoir, "Let's pretend this never happened" to cheer me up and in it she clearly states that most bloggers are either emotionally unstable or social misfits... and that's why they turn to blogging. She is both, and it makes her writing both hysterically funny and deeply disturbing, I love her. I feel better about myself now... and it answers some questions...

I seemed to have meandered away from my "Law of attraction" theme as of late, and I realize that maybe if I actually start living my teachings again and setting a better example for y'all I  might  a) not be experiencing so much high seas drama and b) not be receiving viral like views to my blog and c) might be having a little more happiness and a little less heartache. (but who can really say on that last one, because when you fall in love with a douche bag you are pretty much destined for heartache)
So let it be a lesson in owning your "now moment" real time power... the "douche bag" is a result of old patterns and thoughts and I can only create a better outcome from my now moment. Right? Shit.

Whats funny, is I actually think I was kind of waiting to see how things shook out over the weekend. I feel like so many of my readers are emotionally invested now. I didn't want your hopes dashed.. my dashed hopes are about all I can take, I don't want to be responsible for yours too...

I have to say that after our big blow out and subsequent date the other night, I thought things were going really well. We spent some time together on Saturday night, and talked about everything... and nothing...we were back to being in love again. Then Sunday morning he came over with a latte and we spend another 4 hours talking about how we could get back on track and what that would look like and what went wrong and he was really emotional and that was awesome to see... I was happy and hopeful.

I guess something in me was cautious and didn't want to actually declare anything to you guys, or on the Internet that can't be erased in the event that I would be duped again, and look stupid for being a hopeless pathetic romantic. Which was in fact what happened. The fact is, I give up too much, and he happily takes what he needs and doesn't offer anything in return. The Florence and the machine song "sweet sweet nothing" really sums up my week, and its time for me to love myself enough to say no more. "It's not enought to say you care, you give me nothing sweet, sweet nothing... "

It took several nights of frustration and grieving of all my new found hopes once again to come to the conclusion that I wasn't getting what I needed, nothing was going to change and it was time to close the door. I knew that in order for me to stick to my guns and digest saying goodbye, I would have to find a new way to look at each piece of my attachment; take it in chunks, and re-frame them one by one; until I wasn't focused on what I was losing, but what I would experience instead. I figure this would at least give me relief from my sadness and increase the odds of me sticking to my guns and walking away.

Right now, the biggest source of my urgency, attachment and disappointment was the dream of a peaceful and intimate home birth with Darren. I was so focused on fixing us so that we could enjoy the last few weeks of this pregnancy together and plan our birth. I had to find a way to re-frame the scenario with out him, into something that I could at least swallow.

It was Jane and her sister Annie who gave me the inspiration for my new vision. Jane told me the story of how when she was in labor with her last, even though her husband was standing right beside her holding her hand, it was Annie's voice in the hallway saying "you can do it Jane!" as she reached the home stretch, that gave her the strength to push that babe out. And from there, we decided that men are just simply useless during child birth. In fact they are typically the ones whining the loudest. I know this was the case during the birth of my first son. I remember thinking to myself as Shawn's father whined his feet were getting wet by the side of the bath, as I endured yet another horrific contraction...are you fucking kidding me??? holy crap, I am married to you?? What the hell kind of wussy are you?? This is never going to last... damn it!

We decided that childbirth was a job for the women, and men had no real business interfering... and all of the sudden I didn't feel so alone. I made a choice, to re-frame my vision of the birth I wanted into the birth I needed. And that, is to be surrounded by love and strong women who would know what I needed in the deep stages of labor. I make a mental picture in my mind of how awesome it will be,  just me and the girls...fussing, bonding, laughing, crying and maybe some gutteral screaming on my end... and then oooing and awwwwing over baby Pax as he makes his debut on planet earth.

The other piece of re-framing was to remove myself from the loss of my partner, and realize that Pax and I were his to lose. I was going to be there, and I was going to have my baby and he was going to miss it. Not me. Beyond the birth of this baby was the realization that I was still beautiful and I would have a sweet little man, and some big man would be happy to love us, and take care of us when the time was right. This was not my loss... it was his.

Saturday, April 6, 2013

Day 36 So, apparently I am still dateable, yo...

Last night, after returning home from a failed B & E attempt of my former clue what I was doing FYI or why...I think I just wanted to feel a sense of....Ha! Fuck you!  You can lock me out, but even at seven months pregnant, I can still climb walls and break windows!!...only I can't... so I didn't actually feel the satisfaction of that... and then I got a locksmith on the phone because I thought that would be much easier... only when he said it was $95 bucks, I was like.. OK so what's my $95 going to get me, an opportunity to stand in my kitchen and look like a complete idiot if and when Darren came home??? It's not like I had a truck, or a mover or any real plan... so I gave up and went home...  Oh, after I climbed through the garage window got a bag of shoes... so that was good... and productive y'all.

Defeated and in a state of utter despair and rampant obsessive jealous thoughts... I had a new plan. I decided I would post a Plenty-of-Fish online dating profile ... seriously. I did that.
Here's what it said:

Headline : Knocked up

About me :

So, funny storey...
I was in what I thought was my perfect relationship.. on the road to family town... then I get knocked up, awesome-sauce... then, big firey train wreck and we break up... not-so-awesome-sauce...
My friends and I decided we should see how many awesome-sauce baby-daddy wanna-bees are out there... or even just weirdos with pregnancy fetishes...I get hit in a lot with this bump, not gonna lie, I like it. I just want a good guy for myself and my little soon to be dude.
I am a BIG skier and love the outdoors.
I am looking for super awesome hot man who knows how to take care of a woman when she needs taking care of... (I actually stole that off the POF profile of Darrens ex-wife, just in case he ever found it and read it, I thought that would hit him below the belt...yes, that's as vengeful as I get, sad.)I am entrepreneurial and creative... if you can't handle random unpredictable passion and excitement... stick to your day job, this girl needs a man of steel...

First Date
Anything other than a comedy night... my personal experience is that men who take you to comedy shows, need defibrillators, well, I need a defibrillator... to get through it... no personality... just saying... Ill go skiing, walk, dinner, wine... keep it brief... I have a boredom threshold, so better make sure there is lots of good banter and fun before making any major time commitments... besides, I may need to pump... and lets face it... breast milk in your martini...not hot.
I woke up this morning to like 35 emails... seriously... many of them quite serious, and some some just applauding my tenacity (and wit)... but I thought that was pretty damn good...
In other news, apparently the B & E got "you know who's" attention.... That, and the 900 missed calls and multiple voice mails threatening further B&E and locksmith attempts from me if he didn't call me back... he finally called me back at 8am.
What ensued was a rousing 4-5 hour no holes barred, yelling, screaming, ranting, raving "discussion" with some long periods of silence.... tears and I love you too's... and I had a date....and a box of cookies and really sweet and sympathetic note from my neighbor downstairs saying she was really sorry that she heard the whole thing... as the walls are really thin...(or maybe my yelling and crying was just really loud)...and that her mom was a single mom and she knew I would be just fine, bless her golden little heart...
I am thinking landing a POF date might have been easier...
I don't understand men, obviously...

Thursday, April 4, 2013

Day 35 Heartbreak.

It's  520 am.
I remember the night we met, I had spent the previous several months in a 30 day "challenge" with myself to manifest my soul mate, using the methods of a very sweet and eccentric "Angel" Spiritualist and expert on manifesting love, Rebbecca Marina.

There was a series of synchronicities that played out leading up to our first rendezvous, and it was fascinating to me after the fact that I could actually retrace those steps and see the decisions and intuitions and random interventions from other people that ultimately brought us together...those synchronicities that give evidence that the universe is in cahoots with all your desires.

Every night throughout late January and February in 2011, I followed the guide book, doing every one of the processes for manifesting love that it outlined. The one I remember most vividly, was that I would lay in bed at night and imagine what it would feel like in the knowing that my soul mate, my perfect match and life partner lay beside me sleeping. I would bask in the feeling of safety, warmth, connectedness, closeness, partnership and the knowing that someone loved me. It was a silent prayer, and it felt wonderful.

The night we met I was petrified (as this was a blind date right off the Internet) and not for the reasons you would think... not that I would be dragged into to bushes and raped and murdered but more so that I would be stuck on a 3 hour date with a total drip... and as he had picked a 5 star white table clothed french restaurant with panoramic views of the city; I was now committed to at least 3 hours, and possibly a $300 dinner with a man I had never even spoken to...and yes, my biggest dread was boredom/dulls-ville...As I drove the long winding road to meet him, I began to pray... please God, my Angels and beautiful Spirit guides.... just let him be fun. He doesn't have to be the love of my life or anything, just make him fun and interesting and maybe I will make a new friend...
I repeated it over and over... and he was, only better.

Last night as I prepared to see Darren for the first real meeting in months, I also prayed.
I prayed that he would see me and remember. Remember why he fell in love with me. I prayed that he would feel the heart recognition we felt the first night we first met, and feel the love I know we have eternally. I also prayed that he would feel the love and bond with the baby I have in my belly... and I believe that he did, even more than I'd even hoped.

When I got into the truck, I looked at him for a long moment, I said hi, and he said hi. The emotions were palpable and all I had to do was touch his hand...we didn't even get a block before the emotions over came us both. He stopped in the road and pulled me to him. It was a long time that we sat in the truck and just held each other, his head nustled  in my neck. I whispered how much I loved him, and missed him and I was sorry for everything...he said very little, just nodded tearfully and when I asked him if he still loved me, all he said was, he'd "never not loved me" (I smiled inside because he has never been very good at direct communication) In my mind, I repeated over and over, thank you God... I knew it.

For the almost hour or so we sat in the truck, and another in the restaurant just letting the love in again. I was so happy. He held me so tight to him, smiling and listening to all the plans I had for us, and the things I had wanted to tell him for so long. I had him back, I could feel it, and we were going to be OK. Only it was not.

I don't even know how to process this, and maybe that's why I felt the need to start writing in the wee hours. So thank blogger and you, for giving me my sanity this past month, and hopefully this will help me understand just what the hell I am suppose to do, or how I should feel. I only know that I am faced with the awareness that there are multiple levels of existence we are operating on. There is the level where we are one, and our souls recognition of one another and our connectedness to a higher purpose is active...and then there is the 3D reality, where ego and practical reason rule the day.
But what happens when these worlds overlap in a conscious, distinctive and more importantly , contrasting way? Do we go with reason, ego, logic and rational judgement? Or follow some mystical guidance or inner knowing, even if it flies in the face of reason or even self preservation?

As I asked him about his Hawaii trip, under the assumption that he had taken his kids. I began to realize that there was more to the story he wasn't saying... it doesn't take long for a woman to read this expression on the man she loves...her heart knows when it's about to be shattered, yet again.

As I asked the question I didn't want to know the answer to and something inside me separated. It all happened in slow motion. My natural and immediate response would normally have been swift and furious and then ending with my heart on the floor, left for dead. I would be so attached to my emotions, that a white hot rage would roll through me, only this time it didn't. I was in such a space of unconditional love for him and acceptance of what is, that my stunned ego had to coax me back to the reality that no matter how much I loved him, this was not OK.

My ego said "honey, come on... you have been crying over this asshole for months, carrying the child you wanted together in your womb, alone, with no support or love or partner? You have been giving everything you have to love him back to you and he is off fucking someone else on the vacation he was suppose to take with you?? You sat in a hospital, with not a single answered phone call from him for weeks, because he was fucking someone else in Hawaii?? You have his baby in your belly and he has does not done one single thing to show you he loves you...or bring you home or even try to work it out and now he is sitting here in front of you with a stupid "how do I get out of this one?" expression on his face because he has been fucking someone else in Hawaii??(I know I am being redundant, but as I said earlier, this is as much my therapy as it is entertainment for my readers) and did I mention he has clearly, moved on... WTF???"

But for some reason, I stayed detached. I found myself feigning anger, and asking him all the questions my ego would want answers to, but that my heart and soul did not. I watched it, like a movie... and I saw him through the eyes of love, into the part of him I have been loving all along. His inner being. I felt my love for him with out conditions. I could separate the decisions of his ego with what I know is in his heart... but it wouldn't last. My hurt and my ego won in the end.

So as I tried to fall asleep last night, I lay in bed with a different prayer. I prayed that I would wake up in the morning and not feel anything. That I would forget everything I ever felt for him. Never want him, need him or think of him as mine again. I prayed, begged and pleaded that I would stop loving him, forever. I'll let you know how that goes.

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Day 34 You people are so lucky that I am knocked up with endless and aimless time on my hands...

For you...I am endlessly searching my soul, contemplating my navel and uncovering the mysteries of the universe... I hope you appreciate it, cause I have some GOLDEN awesomeness to share with you today.
First off lets talk about personal power, because I think I might have actually retrieved mine from whence is was abandoned.

How do we give it up to begin with, and why would someone else want it, and what are the signs that yours is being abducted from you, or vice verse?

Aside from relationship, which is a very obvious place to give up your power; due the all the emotional attachment we have, need to please, be loved etc... we (less obviously) give up our power in the day to day function of (and therefor miss out on some of the best manifestations of) our lives.

Giving up your power looks like this: I fucking hate my job, but I am so attached to my need for security and safety that ever day I get up with this sick feeling in my stomach; and drag my sorry ass to work. I have so little power in my life, that any chance I get to "beg borrow or steal" someone else's through control, nit-picking, micro-management, belittling, judgment or criticism of others to make myself feel good, or superior or righteous... I take it. I am fearful in my life and therefor, I try to micro-manage anything outside of myself that I can in order to feel some control over mine.

Here is what taking back your power looks like: I fucking hate my job, so I am going take a moment to really analyse this, instead of blaming and complaining...I am going to spend 30 min every morning and every night, writing, meditating, asking, contemplating and pondering things that feel good to me, without judgement... and what my life might feel like and look like, if I loved my work in the world. (all of the sudden, useless time spent nit picking about someone else, and trying to steal their power, now has 60 less minutes a day of your attention... ) and once I start to receive some clarity from the Vortex, or Creator, or God as to how I can find more passion in my life and my work, (which you will, because you are doing step one so beautifully which is asking ) I am going to turn every last bit of my attention to that. All of the sudden, you are so busy feathering your own nest and feeling good about it, that you haven't got the time, to nit pick or criticize or steal power from another... yours is so much more fulfilling than the 30 seconds of satisfaction you get from making someone else wrong.

Let's talk about relationship:

People talk about "standing in your truth" or "taking back your power" in relationships and it's so ambiguous, until you have that ah-ha moment yourself... we think we are fighting over money, or laundry or whatever else allows you to focus on everything your partner is doing wrong, that you are so justified in hanging your hat on, and making it the cause of all of your woe instead of on what you might want to be doing instead of that, to make you feel good.

Usually your truth, or, what makes you feel good, comes after a long bout of not standing in your truth, as we have discovered through our many chats about contrast and how it is serving you always in your expansion process, so be grateful and appreciative of the long bouts of self abandonment that ultimately lead you back to rediscovering some new desired version of self... I digress..

Let's use me and my relationship as an example (as if I wouldn't )
Darren and I fell in love, because we had many of the same things things vibrating in our vortex. We both wanted closeness and intimacy, which he found deeply in one another. We wanted a family life, and to have a partner to have fun, and play with, which we enjoyed so much in each other. We wanted to co-create and be entrepreneurial together and enjoy life, and it's abundance.

[Enter: fear stage left ]We had also both been hurt in the past and experienced relationships with a lot of personal power theft. I, having been on my own for quite some time had established my own personal methods of working my manifesting and spending time in solitude in order to maintain my personal power, but I was still new at this...

Darren was also very powerful at manifesting, and his asking had put me square in his vortex as the answer to all his dreams too... unfortunately he was just out of a marriage that had completely depleted his power, so there were holes in the grids so to speak and we were both going to fall right into them.

 I suspect the marriage was not the first relationship that robbed him of his power, (mother-control freak Catholic guilt monger..nothing against Catholics, just against the misuse of the practice of it) he became quite adept at survival tactics...needless to say there was quite a bit of energetic power struggles taking place, as our lives became more and more entwined and the fears and insecurities began to rise to the surface. It really began to unravel all the beautiful things that were matching in our vibrations and put unwanted focus a past that needed releasing.

Enter Epiphany... I can only unstick myself from this glue, and hope that he gets it...and by "unstick" I mean, I have to take responsibility for what it is I and how I want to feel and my life to flow and "stand in my truth" of it (so ambiguous I know, it's just words until you feel what that means) It's scary to take that step, to step into your truth once you acknowledge what it is, because you cannot go back. I understand now, the kind of empowered freedom I want to feel; in a relationship with anyone or anything I interact with, and by that I mean ensuring that my cork is afloat first and foremost.

The epiphany came as I was anticipating some of the "old pattern" thinking I know I will encounter when I finally sit down with Darren and attempt to negotiate our lives. One of his favorite insinuations, and I call them that, because they are not truths, but defensive tactics to "take your power" is this: ... "well, I guess we want different things" which means "you aren't doing and saying and being exactly the way I want you to right now, and I am going to threaten you with abandonment" and I knew I would have to have a good response to this... because it just isn't true... all the awesome things vibrating in our vortexes that are a match are still there... the only difference is that I don't want to be giving up my power in order to share those things with him. Darren is very attached to, well, everything 3D. 

With that, I realized that he has so busy trying to control the hows and the outcomes of everything and I was so busy trying to just allow the creative process to reveal itself in miraculous ways, I found myself defending my whole way of being on an ongoing basis. I had to do things his way.  He has been so dis-empowered emotionally, that he wants to know how everything is going to work and whats in it for him. If he can't see the value, or whatever his perceptions of value is, it is a threat. I am a sweet karmic lesson (or curse) for him, because nothing about me or my process is predictable.

What's so awesomesauce about this, is that I am blessed right now with the awareness that all of the frustrating delays, and other "out of my control" circumstances are actually the intricate workings of God, Source, or the Creator in endless support of my well being... My rendezvous with Darren has been delayed and delayed and I now know why. It was and is for the sole purpose of allowing me the time I needed to take back my personal power by getting the clarity I needed to "stand in my truth" and be the representation of the love and relationship I want to manifest in my life. I am sure there is some time that he has needed as well, and hopefully it will manifest itself with the best possible outcome for all, in perfect ways.

The universe wants healing and love for us all. With every wound healed and vibration raised we are adding to the greater good of consciousness and evolution of our planet and our highest selves. Be SELFISH. Conjure only the best for yourselves with out compromise, or the need to control others. Allow the Universe to deliver it to you in perfect ways and know that you are loved.

Here is a brand new Abraham - Hicks you tube clip that I absolutely LOVE. Listen to it and do it every day!

Sunday, March 31, 2013

Day 33 Easter: metaphysical word for "get off your ass and go get it...."

Easter has nothing to do with the bunnies, which is a shame, because bunnies are cute and I do like the chocolate poop... but bunnies and chocolate poop aren't going to get me what I want.
Easter is metaphysically a time to get your metaphorical ass in gear and start asserting yourself, your desires and dreams in the world. This is the time that you take all the ideas and pondering and contrasting experiences of the long dark winter and manifest your deepest desires into the world.
The universal wind is now at your back, but you have to walk the talk now.

It's like joke about the woman who is praying to win the lottery, and she never does...when she gets to the gates of heaven she says "God, I prayed everyday to win the lottery and you never answered my prayers... God said, well did you buy a ticket?"

I posted this awesome video of this Christian science minister.. you have to listen to him! He reminds me so much of my favorite minister from Unity Vancouver who passed away several years ago,  and you have probably heard is voice in my writing when I say things like "you want to heal your relationships?? Get to work on them people!" He would ofter order his congregation to get a life and stop hiding out in Church, and was prone to going on metaphysical rampages that would turn everything you thought you knew about life on its head... he was a pioneer of law of attraction.
He was awesome!

Sorry I could not get the open version... you have to click on it to play...

OK, so I decided to get to work on my own stuff, again at the urging of Janie I decided to get really clear on what I wanted to say and more importantly what I want our of my relationship with Darren when I see him tomorrow.

I have been listening a lot to the teachings of Kathlyn and Gay Hendricks and their principals of conscious relationships. I decided that there were some basic values are reflective of how I want to live and be and feel in my life experience. If my relationship is not in alignment with my core spiritual values and we don't share a common purpose and vision, then we have issues. And no amount of negotiating with solve our issues.

I wrote down a 5 things that I want in my relationship. Let's hope "you know who" is on the same page.These things are quite the contrary to how I believe most people would approach a reconciliation. I am not asking for changes from him, or fixes to all the "issues". I am looking for a real shift in consciousness... a new approach to how we view what being in a partnership means... yikes.

I'm going to share it with all of you, because what the hell... y'all know pretty much everything.

The relationship I want for us is:

1) Committed to seeing the other as an Ally. = Love
                  seeing you as my ally allows me to stop taking things personally. I am no longer hearing or observing your words or actions as critisisms. Knowing you as my ally feels safe. I feel respected, honored and appreciated and I appreciate honor and respect myself... I no longer look for things to criticize and nit pick about.

2) Committed to full disclosure, exposure and intimacy = Trust
                  seeing you as my ally allows me to fully disclose my needs, my feelings, even my fears in a loving way, and without making demands, drawing conclusions or making assumptions.
When my partner shares his feelings in open non-critical way, I have compassion for her/him. I don't feel the need to solve her/his problems, or fix them or change myself... simply my understanding and validation gives my partner the space and confidence to solve his/her own issues and take responsibility for his/her feelings... without my fears, reactions or conditions clouding their issues.

3) Committed to a daily practice of spiritual and relationship growth through meditation other practices of positive study together = Purpose
                through growing our spiritual connectedness to each other and to source, or creativity and passions will be manifested into our daily life and the world. We are less likely to waste our creative talents and passions on criticism and nit picking about the small stuff. We are more likely to be on purpose and manifesting our love, abundance and fulfillment into our lives.

4) Committed to focusing the majority of our time and energy on long term creative goals and projects. = Passion
       When my time and attention is on the manifesting my higher purpose and creative projects, I don't have time to criticize, judge or score keep in my daily life, or my relationship. Anytime I find myself getting resentful, its time to change focus on a bigger picture and focus on my own fullfillment. I encourage my partner to do the same. I know through their fulfillment and achievement of their dreams, our dreams will manifest.

5) Committed to self care and self healing. = Freedom
                           Through self care and taking time to do our own work, we free ourselves from old blocks and beliefs that are not serving our higher purpose. I free myself from self sabotaging self defeating beliefs and attitudes through yoga, meditation, energy work, counseling, whatever is means available and appropriate and through our healing, we heal all of our relationships and are free to attract more happiness, fulfillment and abundance into our lives.

I am going to approach all the issues of the past with the attitude that if we can commit to shift our consciousness and commit to a new way of relating, all the details, healing and basic day to day issues will all be taken care of and fall perfectly into place. Remember you can't solve a problem on the level that it exists. Hopefully, Easter miracles are afoot and the next 30 days will see healing and transformation in my life, and in the lives of those I love.

Friday, March 29, 2013

Day 32 Divine timing is calling... answer!

It's been a few days since I posted, as I have been slightly in limbo land again...
I woke up the other morning and something inside knew it was time to go back to the city.
I didn't really know what I was going to. although I did know where... I had to trust that this was a calling that needed to be answered and I would figure it out as it all unfolded before me.
It's OK sometimes, to not have a plan...

I started with..."maybe I will go down to the city for a few days... I'll come back and get my things later" and as I started to pack, I literally didn't stop until everything including all the bedding and room decor was ready to go... OK, I guess this is more than a few day...

The birth of this little boy is only 9 weeks away. My need to nest and figure things out in my relationship with his father is weighing heavily. Over the past few days, I had the realization that I have been sending out a lot of conflicting messages during this whole situation, and thus, was left to wonder.. could it possibly be the reason for my slow progress to a succesful reunion?
The mind that operates the heart is hoping for a reconciliation, healing of the relationship and a way back to a happy family life. But I noticed that the half that operates the mouth/email is losing her shit on a regular basis. I can't seem to get it consistent.

In my prayers and yoga classes I am holding the vision of me being back with Darren and bringing our son into the world together, but my moves to get in front of him and talk about it come out sounding more like a demand to retrieve everything I own so I can move on with my life.... no wonder he is confused and stonewalling me. In my defense, the ultimatums and tantrums usually come after several failed attempts at communication, but I am sure had I been a little bit better at not trying to control the outcome so much, I might have been more successful at talks... the flip side of that however, is that he is being a totally stubborn brooding jerk. What the fuck. I am not mother Theresa, queen of unconditional love either...but apparently I have to get my message clear, to commit to that, only speak of that, only think of that, and act only in accordance to that. So what is that??

I walked away from that paragraph for a few hours, because I just couldn't answer that question... and a few things occurred to me whilst I was away. Sometimes its all about asking a good question. Is what I really want, and the messages I am actually sending; through my thoughts and actions, one and the same?
Ask the right questions and let the subconscious feed the answers to your concious, and let me tell you, the answer was a painful and bitter pill... I have been a total hypocrite. Why, oh why, do make things so complicated?

I have been bitching and complaining to myself that this relationship will never work because what I want in a relationship is full disclosure, not concealment... direct and open communication, transparency and trust. I have been convinced that he was the problem.. and he is, but he is not the only one.

It occurred to me that every time I have executed a love ambush or tried to initiate some "face-time" it was always under the guise of needed to get my things "out" of the house, when all I really want is to see him.... (not very transparent, direct or honest)... if that was me, and Darren left me and moved to another town and he was like... I love you, lets work it out in one breath, and I'm coming over to move more stuff out, in the next... I'd be fucking slow to respond too.

Since Tuesday I have been here at Jane's, 10 blocks from my house. I have been basically demanding he help move my bed and other stuff over here. He has been been kind of a dick and avoiding me (because he doesn't really want that, and neither do I, but of course he doesn't actually say it, that would be honest direct and yes, risky...risky, because it makes one vulnerable to rejection) but his lack of response triggers me, because what I really want is just to see him, not move, and now I am feeling vulnerable and rejected. So I lose my shit. Retarded I know.

Know wonder he doesn't like picking up the phone.. so he avoids it, and then I lose it, and then the conversations go to him being evasive, and secretive and won't answer my questions about where he has been or why he won't talk to me... I'm sure because he feels pissed off and insecure and unsure of where I am coming from and then I get mad, because he isn't saying what I want him to say, and by that I mean... "babe, I love you please just come home..." but he is being as much of a scared douche bag as I am...

My BF Jane, who has always been my wisest  council... she is one of those friends who never judges, and always seems to give the most insightful advice. If you are lucky enugh to have one of these in your life, know that they are an irreplaceable, and indispensable. She is to me, who Gayle King is to Oprah.
She said, "dude, you go to crazy lengths, execute operation "love ambushes" and do all this meditation and healing working it out, but every conversation you have with him comes out completely the opposite." Shit.

The truth is, I am afraid. I am afraid to just ask for what I want, because what if I get flat out rejected?
It's so much easier just to be defensive, or create a rouse instead of saying "hey babe, lets talk...I'm coming to town to see you, and I will stay at Jane's until we work it out or not." Do I do that??? No.

That would be honest, transparent, full disclosure, with no hidden agenda, manipulation or blackmail ... all the things I have been hypocritically judging him for being.... So why, you ask? Why do we bring the exact things we don't want into our relationships, and expect somethings else in return?

Well, one reason is, no risk.  In fact its a sure thing... to not get what you really want.
I have been telling Darren that I am coming back to town to go live with Jane...and not "I am coming back to town because I love you and need you and feel like it's time to talk... no, I tell him its so I can see the midwife, so I have support from family, to move in with Jane... every other reason in the world other than the one that is the biggest and also the one I am most afraid of... losing him. This whole entire time I thought my intentions and my message was clear, that I was being honest and he was being manipulative and controlling. I just swallowed a load of crow.

New approach ... Jane says, why don't you just text him this "hey babe, let's get together, not talk, just have crazy monkey sex... " I was like, I hear you and I like it... but I'll take a slightly less pervy approach, (as I am in a family way and all... ) so I said: "Babe, I know I have been demanding my bed and stuff, but what I really want, is just to see you. Can we just go for a walk and talk... before we make any permanent decisions? I love you." I realized at that moment that this was the kind of open transparency I have been wanting... ding dong. I am not going to lie, if felt scary... I was putting my authentic self out there, no threats, no ultimatums... It's not that easy or obvious sometimes, where you need to shift your vantage point.  Don't be afraid to ask yourself the tough questions... what you are complaining loudest and longest about in someone else is probably exactly what you are bringing to the situation yourself... are you being the love, or abundance you want to have your life? Because you get the love you give... every time, no exceptions.
Oh, yes...needless to say, the response was also forthcoming and seemed genuine. We have a date on Monday, (as he has his kids all weekend) to walk and talk and all bed and stuff deliveries are off for now...

Monday, March 25, 2013

Day 31, Say yes. Then ask..What else?

It's shocking how suddenly things can shift from disillusionment and frustration to overnight epiphany. But that's the work, it's what you are doing..calling yourself back into alignment, and then.... POP. The doors blow open.

This past week I have been feeling so restless, like something was on the brink but I couldn't see around the corner. Compulsive thoughts and urges to leave town, a deep distaste for the work I am doing and all kinds of irritating events were nudging me towards change... it's time to go, was the voice in my head.

This morning, at 4:30 am I woke up, totally energized.
I grabbed my journal and began to write a very gorilla draft of a 2 year business plan that has been mulling itself over in my mind for months, well since last year really... but the clarity of it all was just hitting me... how the pieces were all suppose to flow together, what I needed resource wise etc.. all became crystal.

You know when your larger forces are working through you. You're being called... and your only job is to answer. Say yes. Receive. Allow. Take action...and then ask..what else?
This is being in the flow.

I hammered over an hours worth of chicken scratch strategy into my journal and then decided to listen to a webinar with a woman called Jacqueline Joy. She was discussing and transmuting frequencies from a universal energy called Diamond Consciousness. This is the shit people. This is just the beginning of the 2012 frequencies we have all been waiting for and our inner beings..not our outer doings...are waiting for us to tap into this frequency. This is the frequency that will revolutionize how we operate in our 3D reality.
The old matrix of effort = return is not useful anymore. It is no longer serving the expansion of our inner being, our planet, or universe for that matter. This call for change is the burning restless itch, midlife crisis, depression, anxiety, addiction, the dismantling of our institutions and super powers. It is the very same shift that is propelling you into unorthodox careers, to abandon your posts, your confines, beliefs and shackles and express yourself wholly in the world. Let me tell you if feels amazing. To resist, will only fuel Prozac sales.
30 Days of aimless meditation, emotional clearing and navel pondering has paid off, and that is the stuff the new age is made of. We have just come through the first 90 days of the age of Aquarius. Do you get that? This is the age of ease..of less "do" and more "be" and in the being and aligning and answering the call, more abundance and fulfillment will flow into your lives than ever. But we have to stop the resistance of allowing and leap off into the abyss.
Letting everything we think we know, go.

The new Golden Age of Enlightenment, the Mayans have been prophecising for 29,000 years is upon us. The same era Christ took the leap of faith and paved the road for us, and our ascension, by his death and resurrection so that the path would be laid for our transformation into light bodies and divinity on earth; the very one, the hippies have been singing about since the 60's.
It is the spring equinox and the end of first full quarter in the New Golden Age, and if I am the only one who experienced a sudden pop in energy this morning I will eat me shorts.

Get with the flow people and ask to be a vessel for universal work. God, use me! And then, when you hear the call, say "YES.. and what else?"  Check out this Diamond activation meditation...

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Day 30 Go rescue your inner child before she sabotages your life...

Yesterday I spent a little time, dissecting some of the feelings of oppression and pain I was experiencing I'm my life and my relationship. It isn't an easy process, taking inventory of the dominant thoughts in ones vibration. It can be down right overwhelming, and frustrating. Why have I allowed myself to get so dis-empowered? Mostly its frustrating because I realize that these feelings are not a one off. There is a theme in my life and I know that I am responsible for creating this experience. It's time to do the work, and clear this crap once and for all.

I had a sit down with my little self. I took out a journal and wrote:

Dearest little Adrienne,
What's up?

I took the pen in my non-dominant hand and pictured myself a young girl, and began to write.

You know I am a loser right?
I never fit in school and am bullied daily.
I don't have cool clothes, my mom never takes me shopping or cares how I look or feel.
I'm not successful in class, in fact I feel totally isolated and ashamed for not being smart, by teachers and other kids. I am constantly being ridiculed for being dumb.
I am just a nuisance to my parents, particularly my Dad.
I am not worth spending time with or being listened too... I am never going to amount or be a value to anyone. Whats the point? I am never going to successful or popular or loved by anyone.

Yikes. The worst part is, realizing that I still feel this way. No wonder I haven't been able to sustain any of the success I create. I don't feel worthy of it.

I have learned to override a lot of this, but the underlying vibration is always active. That's where my rebellious teenager comes in and screams and yells at anything or anyone that brings up these feelings of shame or inadequecy (we will deal with her too)

So, I took a moment to talk to my little self and going back to my dominant hand, this is what I wrote:

Dear little A,

Even though you feel really alone and misunderstood, I am here for you now.
I am sorry I wasn't there for you then, but I am now. Please forgive me, I love you and I am sorry.
(remember ho'ono'pono'pono, forgiveness is powerful)
It's not your fault, or any ones fault. You were not living in an environment where your unique gifts were understood, or nurtured...but its time for you now, to express your uniqueness...We have real soul work to do and I need you here, with me... to help me.
Your life experience has given you the courage you need to put it all out there express yourself and you won't be alone this time.

Then I ask her to come with me... and I put my arms around her and we walk together out of sight.

This can be an emotional process, but a powerful one. This is about, you firing on all cylinders.. and I highly recommend absolutely everyone take one day a week until you have had a visit with yourself at every age. Call your one year old, 2 year old... picture yourself that little person and just ask: Whats up for you right now? They will tell whats up. Sometimes its all good, but sometimes there is a rescue that is required. Love your little self like you would any distressed child and that self love, you will bring back to your now-self. It's incredibly powerful and I promise you will start to see how some of your adult behaviors are really just fragments of your inner 5 year old that are occasionally taking over your body and making you behave badly... go rescue her/him and they will never bother you again, in fact they will merge with your now moment self and you will be complete, a whole functioning conscious being... that is the goal right?

Friday, March 22, 2013

Day 29 Revelations...and Emancipations

You know how sometimes we are too close to a situation to see things clearly... ?
I have been so focused on trying to heal the relationship that I have missed the point entirely.
Why is this what is right under our nose so often obscured from vision? Damn it.
You cannot solve a problem on the level that it exists, true? Therefor, the thing that needs to shift is almost never the manifestation, but vibration that is causing the manifestation. I have been talking about this all along and yet have failed to see my own issues... oh, the irony.
If anyone out there in reader land could see what I am about to illuminate to you, and didn't comment or tell me what was apparent to you... well, keep it to yourself now. You had your chance...

Here I am trying the "heal my relationship" and wondering why I am hitting a stone wall, otherwise know as "the other party" And with the help of a trusted intuitive healer today I finally was able to step back far enough to see that it was me that needed healing. I was causing the discord in my situation and keeping a resolution out of reach by digging in my heals and ordering the universe to fix this issue.
Darren is the beautiful gift that was sent to me to illuminate all of the negative beliefs that are holding me back from stepping into my greatness. I love him! He is bringing up all the lower self beliefs that were instilled in me by a very troubled relationship with my ... {you guessed it} Daddy.
So what do I do? Well first thing I am going to do is write a list of all the complaints I had in my relationship with both of them... things, feelings, words, attitudes that showed up in my relationship with Darren/Daddy

He didn't listen my needs/understand or care
He questioned/judged criticised me
He didn't appreciate me
He didn't love me for who I am
He abandoned me, shut me out

Then I am going to list the beliefs or feelings that created
I'm not important
I am wrong/bad
I have no value/I'm stupid
I'm not worthy of love or success
I am just going to screw it up/I'm a failure at everything I try
I can't trust myself.

Now this is called clarity through contrast. I am going to flip each one of these ideas on its head and take full and total responsibility for buying into these lies once and for all

He didn't listen to my needs = I didn't listen to my needs, understand or care about me
He judged/questioned/criticized me = I judge/questions and criticize me
He didn't appreciate me = I don't appreciate me
He didn't love/accept me for who I am = I don't love and accept me for who I am
He abandoned me, shut me out = I abandoned me, and shut myself off.

Now I am going to get clarity on how I want to feel moving forward

I'm not important = I feel important and know that I am important
I am bad/wrong = I am an awesome person and I get better and better every day,  in every way.
I have no value/I'm stupid = I am indispensable and brilliant and am contributing greatly everyday to the expansion of those around me and to the entire universe. My value is immeasurable!
I am not worthy of love or success = I am loved. I am physical manifestation of Divine Love itself. I come from Source, God, Creation and therefor am worthy of all the abundance and love the universe has to offer. {which is a lot}
I am just going to screw things up/I'm a failure at everything = I am always expanding and learning. Maybe I failed at some stuff in the past, but look at all these STUPID LIES I've been telling myself! I cannot get it wrong and I will never get it done and from now on these old programs are wiped off the map and my success and fulfillment and satisfaction of life is going to get better and better every day and in every way.
I can't trust myself = I am totally confident in my ability to make awesome decisions. I am always tapped in to my best and highest good for myself and all those around me. I feel trusted and valued by others.

This is how Stella gets her groove dismantling one idiotic belief at a time.
Use EFT to tap the negative out and the positive in!! Create your own script in any area that is not working in your life... the answers are all inside you if you ask the questions and listen to that inner voice, or vision.

Question to ask yourself: What are the self defense mechanisms running in your life that can help illuminate for you the subjects that need healing? For me, it was anger. It could be victim hood, blame or people pleasing, or martyrdom, or projection...these are all programs that may have served you as a way to survive whilst you were young and unaware, but they will keep you a enslaved by whatever oppression created them however many moons ago...

Emancipate yourself from mental slavery. None but ourselves can free our minds... - Bob Marley