Day 21 My early morning nightmare... verboding forshadowing of my day

This morning I had a horrible nightmare,
I dreamed that I had a heli-ski trip given to me, and I was beside myself excited.
I went to the place where I was meant to meet the group and I haven't got my skis... the trip is leaving..and I am an idiot who has just fucked up an awesome opportunity.

I am in a panic. Then, in a lucky twist, I am told that I can do a later group and so I go to get my skis..
Only, I can't find my vehicle, or my keys, or both and my second opportunity is now on its way out and what I thought was a lucky break has just become an agonizing exercise in bad luck, bad timing, plain old bad self sabotaging stupidity. In my dream I am crying my freaking eyes out when I finally wake up. I thought, shit, if this is what I am in for today... kill me now.

It's now five 530pm and let me tell you how my day went. My love left me hanging all day before he called to say that a game launch gone bad had squelched any hope of him coming up this weekend for a little bonding and possibly full blown snoggy reunion. Then I very nearly got fired for being stupid, (for the second time) thinking I was being funny...apparently some people think being funny is stupid, sometimes it is; especially when it almost gets you fired...that's all I will say about that... and I lost my Dog.

Sometimes these sorts of days happen. They happen to me a lot lately. I have observed that the more I tune myself to frequencies of my inner world, the less I am able to fake it in my 3D world. The higher I tune my frequency to my intentions, and by tune my frequency I mean focused attention and emotions; and the universal timing has not quite given the green light {usually because it's got a better plan or version than our pea brains could fathom} the better the odds I will over shoot the target, and ultimately hit myself in the foot. Let's face it, we are all in the process of learning the laws of attraction and how to yield and wield our creative powers. We are infants learning to walk in consciousness... we need to go easy and lay off the peddles.

Where did it all go wrong? This mounting and building emotion that is calling me to make my way home before this baby comes is causing my point of attraction to start creating potential circumstances for that happening, any way it can... danger zone. I need this job, and its a good job for me right now in a lot of ways... getting canned would not be cool, even if it did get me a one way ticket to my beloveds doorstep and although I am sure I would not be turned away; its not how I want things to go down.

All week long with Darren and I, things have been hit and miss. When things aren't unfolding or going your way, there are elements that are either still in the process of aligning, and or things that are moving out of your alignment. These periods of focused intention and deliberate creation with all 3D moving parts in flux can look like chaos if we don't back off a bit and go general...another good example of that was my door crashing ambush to "pack my things" that ended in a firey wreckage and one garden buddha casualty.

Going general looks like this: I know I kind of screwed up at work, my strong emotions and restlessness are really stirring things up and that's OK, because it always works out in the end.
Or: I was disappointed that Darren couldn't make it up this weekend, but at least I got him to tell me he loves me... even though it was coerced. He still said it. Maybe the timing is just a day or two off and things will go even better if I just back up and allow it to unfold. Or even more general: Today didn't go so well, but that's OK; I found the dog. Or when shit really hits the fan: I don't have to think about this stuff right now...doesn't matter I don't have the answers right now.
Now that last one may sound like a bold faced pile of denial... good. You cant solve any issues from outside of the vortex of well being, and you cant get into the vortex by focusing on your issues. So get off the subject and go general until you feel good, and then peek again; if the vortex spits you out, just repeat the process.

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Day 20 I was really dissapointed in this video...

I have to comment...
You guys are drama addicts!
My page views skyrocketed with my stalker style love ambush... I love you guys...

I would really love feedback, and by feedback I mean.. "Adrienne we want to hear more on processes", or "Adrienne, I have this situation... help!" not the "dump him!" kind of feedback, because I know that's what many of you are thinking...people,  everyones journey is their own, and as candid as I have been with my tales of heartache and woe... he has his version too... and besides.. how would I keep you entertained with the key source of all my anguish, extinguished??

So, LIKE me damn it! So I can bring you more great content and that content can one day fill a self help book or a movie or something really cool...  I want to know what you want more of, what you want less of and to share your questions and experiences with me on my http://www.facebook.com/60DaysOfAttractionTestOfMetal  page!
Leave your comments...

As promised... Here is my chat with my super awesome friends and law of attraction "Guru" Sarah Thambosso from Leash on Life Coaching.

I was really disappointed in this video, because at the end.. Sarah asked me for a tampon and we had a little chat about it, because I am preggo and don't need them so much but apparently I had a back stock of giant pads... it seems to have been lost on the cutting room floor. I would have left that in, it was very informative.

Sarah is doing a law of attraction relationship and communication workshop at the Squamish public library this Sunday March 10th at 12pm -3pm
The cost is $49 at the door and $29 in advance
You can contact her at sarahthambosso@Gmail.com

I attended her intro to Law of Attraction at Whistler PL a few weeks ago and let me tell you she is funny and informative and the food is awesome... Thank you Nesters!

If you have any, and I mean any kind of questions about the kind of relationships you are attracting or not attracting into your life, then this event is for you!

Day 19 Ciff hanging conclusions...

After my stealth stalker love ambush and the dream catcher was left hanging on the door, I went back to Jane's house and went to sleep. I made sure to leave an email, clarifying the context of the dream catcher which of course went unread; on account of Mr. Negatives determination to only focus on anything that will paint me in the light of (his admission) "the worst person in the world". As it turns out, all of my preparatory love emails had gone unread... he did however (again, his admission) spend countless hours reading all the fuming angry emails that I sent over the past few months. He also spend all of his focused intention on looking for signs from the universe that would also support his theories and paranoia...sort of in the same way I was looking for sign to light the path of love, he was looking for signs to light the path of destruction. Law of attraction is powerful... Darren knew too much and not enough, about the law of attraction and he was now a danger to himself, and me.

Needless to say he had set his intentions on negative, so the universe was having its work cut out... but like all heroes journeys. light always prevails over dark, as long as the light bearer doesn't give up hope. (that would be me in this case) Also, like any good heroes journey, there are some bumps in the road to test faith.

The morning rolled around, and I made one last attempt at making contact in order to confirm our meeting time etc... no answer. I arrived at the house early, looking all pretty (remember plan "crumble him") with a nice snug shirt to show off his baby in my belly... and no Darren.

The dream catcher hung on the door right where I left it. I had to wrestle my imagination and jealousy to the ground trying to find reasons why it had not been moved and where he may have slept last night, with some limited success. As I sat in the car making repeated unanswered phone calls and emails; the appointed hour came and went. I was devastated. I had done everything right, played by the rules, did everything I could to show him that I just wanted a peaceful meeting, be it to determine the end, or a new beginning. I was going to be cool. My mantras were not really working but I was trying.

After an hour and a half, I had to pee and I was ready to abort the mission. I knew this was a possibility; that memories and trauma from our past, compounded by the drama and trauma of his marriage and divorce (if any of you have read my "Mommy in a blender" blog you know what I'm talking about) could trigger any number of PTSD responses in him. So I was trying to be objective, again with limited success.

I took out my journal, tearfully and with much dramatic gusto ripped out a drawing I had made on the front page. I was artistically really bad {as you can see as I have attached it} albeit a deeply meaningful drawing that I made as another visioning exercise. Interestingly the vision appeared to me in a yoga class; the image of Darren and me and the kids all together in a love embrace, it was an image I felt I was meant to draw and make real...It was about to be made into a weapon of guilt.                 ( Please don't laugh, I am no artist... but its kinda cute .... no? )

 I tore out the picture, flipped it over and left him a hand written guilt trip about how unfair and mean he was and how fair and loving and peaceful I had been and he could just go to hell...I rolled it up and stuffed it into the hole of my dream catcher {that I had also hand made}.

By 11.30am I finally received an email, apologizing on the one hand, and then justifying his inconsideration that "I knew it was a busy week for him and he had a game launch and that it was ultimately my fault..." on the other.

Indignantly I reminded him, that he had agreed on the time and that I had made many attempts to let him know we were on; all went ignored. I was livid at his half hearted apology and defensiveness more than anything else. But I could hear in his voice; after listening to my hurt and frustration, that he even he knew he had crossed the line, and that none of his fears that I had malicious plans or intent towards him were justified. But it was too late.

By 6.30 pm he managed to pry himself from work and I met him at the house. I tried, I really did. I tried to calm myself with my mediation recordings and chanting...but I had just spent the entire day, upset and now the prospect of packing in the dark, this late in the day was overwhelming to me. On the upside, he looked like hell, like he hadn't slept in months, let alone been out snogging other women...this secretly made me happy.

I went to the front door and instead of letting me in the front, he went to the garage and opened the doors. This incensed me. After all he put me through today, he was going to confine my access to the garage. I took one look at him and launched... I was so hurt and I think he could see it. I think it was hard for him to see me and he realized he was just being an ass, and so he tried to coax me inside to talk. But by then it was too late... the next thing I knew I was ranting and raving and rifling aimlessly through wreckage of everything I owned that had been tossed into garbage bags and left in the garage.

I should have prepared myself for that. But I wasn't prepared. The next thing I knew, the orange ceramic Buddha I had bought for the garden was going to pay with this its life... good thing is he gets to reincarnate because this lifetime he ended up in a pile of shards on the garage floor.

I stormed out, got in the truck and left. This was my test. My faith and my hope at reconciliation was hanging by a thread and I just did everything I promised myself I would never do again. I lost it.

Here's where one has to let go. I was so mad at myself. I had to turn it back over to God. I sat in the car, crying and apologizing to my loving angels, who I knew were working double time to help me sort this out, and I set us all back. Damn it.

The phone rang it was Darren, and he was sorry. Really sorry. He could see my hurt and realized he had been villainising me just a little, but to his credit; not totally unsubstantiated, ask the Buddha.   I didn't quite get the face to face I wanted. But I did get the next four hours of real communication. It was the first time since long before I left that we really listened to each other. All hope is not lost.

Day 18, 19 drama filled nail biting and worth the wait blogging

Wow, OK a whirlwind few days.
Where to begin..
There is power in holding a vision, or an intention.
Even if we screw it up, or have temporary lapses of belief in the situation, and by lapse of belief I mean all immediate and obvious evidence shows that its all going to hell in a hand basket... when things start to turn, you just have to trust the process and give divine timing over to the Universe.

This is where using mantras such as the "Nam Myoho Renge Kyo" really comes in handy in a pinch.
I used it a lot over the last two days. Fear not, as there is always opportunity for recovery when you know the universe and your powerful intention have your back. Even if you think you have completely F'd it up.

After almost 3 months away, I finally felt strong enough, and ready to make my move. To go see Darren, face to face. I had finally surrendered control of the situation... and by surrendered control I mean... I got my power back. I no longer felt like a weeping heap of dung and I knew that no matter what, I was going to be fine, and the Universe would deliver me exactly where I needed to be... just then; I felt the universal nudge. It's important to tune yourself to those nudges. The universe always has the best, right and perfect timing to support your cause. When you feel the nudge, its time to take deliberate action.

I had arranged a meeting time at the house, I had my roust all set of needing to pack up my stuff to move and get some clothes, and my timing excuse of having a midwife appointment. What I really wanted however, was just to see him face to face in the hopes he would take one look and my and the big belly and crumble. I also knew that more than likely, before the crumbling... they could be chest pounding. And so I had another mantra, "No matter what he says, or what he does, I am enough" I think at that point I felt it was make it or break it. I have just over 12 weeks before this babe arrives and if I was ever going to get my family back then I needed to make my move or cut losses and move on.

I had been holding the vision and setting the stage pretty well. I was planting all my loving seeds of intention. I had given Darren lots of warning that I was coming and called when I got into town. I didn't get upset when I wasn't getting an overwhelming come hither response. In fact I got blocked from my initial meeting time, and I rescheduled without fuss... what I needed to remember was the other party was still operating from extreme hurt and fear and was totally stressed about seeing me and my bump for the first time in months.

I  was driving into Stanley Park after taking my beautiful son Shawn on a dinner and movie date. I dropped him back at my moms place and headed towards the north shore back to my friends Jane's house. It was about 930 pm and I knew Darren was working late with a big launch;, which is why our initial meeting time that day went south.  I was trying to decide if I should make a semi stalker-ish move and leave him a dream catcher that I made, with all the little beads representing him and me and all of the children. Cheesy I know... but whatevs. It was part of my "visioning" the outcome I wanted. My family and my man back together and healed and happy.

My "drive by" love ambush would require me to stay center lane and head west off the bridge to my/Darren's house, Jane's was a right lane east turn off the bridge. So I asked the universe and my angels to give me a sign as to which way I should go.. I don't know if any of you have ever asked for a "sign" but it can be VERY effective and entertaining. I took a solo trip last summer to Mt. Shasta Ca. for a summer solstice spiritual retreat, as I was driving down I5 in southern WA. I asked, "Give me a sign that this trip is going to be good for me" and just then, in the middle of a farmers field I look up and see a big sign nailed to a telephone pole that said "TRUST JESUS" I loved it! Confirmed.

 So just as I get into causeway, the outside right hand lane lights turns yellow and then red! The center lanes are the ones that switch to accommodate heavy traffic flow, not the outside lanes so I am already thinking "really?" as I am driving over crest of the bridge, a city works vehicle is cruising slowly in the right  hand lane with a GIANT yellow light arrow strobing to stay left. I couldn't believe it. My path had been marked in a giant yellow strobing arrow... stalker love ambush was go.

I drove up to house and felt the slight pang of disappointment he wasn't there, but decided to hang the dream catcher on the door and leave an email message as to what it represented, so he wouldn't think I was leaving some creepy curse thingy... because he is capable of that sort of negativity. I blame his mother; for everything.

I don't know about you, but this is where I usually start down the hill, and forget to stop peddling...
I get really focused on how I want things to go, and forget that the "how" is not my job.
HOW is not your job. {I just wanted to reiterate that point.} Your job is to set your intentions, follow the nudges, the signs and then act... completely letting go of HOW it will all go down in the end.
So I had created  all these expectations around how it all would go when I made my appearance. As I said before, expectations are the number on cause of disappointed

Every time we start to control the hows, the universal plan gets undermined and has to scramble to get things back on track, so expect delays. Especially when the universe is trying to line up multiple parties and really especially when one of the parties is being an obstinate bugger and will probably not be in thier "vortex" of love and hearing the nudges, and or just plain ignoring them...

OK, plot set. Tomorrow the dramatic conclusion of the first face to face...emphasis on drama... but fear not, alls well that ends well. The universe has my back :)

Day 17 No man is worth wrinkles...

I think I'm getting tired. Tired of paddling upstream. Which is apparently a good thing according to the laws of attraction. It's so stupid because I know this stuff, and I practice and start to see some shifts and little evidences of the universe lining things up, and just when things might actually unfold on their own in the direction of what I want, I grab those oars and start paddling madly like an idiot.


It's like riding a bike, once you start down a hill and gravity takes over, you ease up on the peddles a little and trust that gravity will take you at just the right velocity until the road turns upwards a little and your experience calls you to more expansion, or to take a turn in another direction. You don't put your feet on the peddles and start madly peddling at the speed your bike is traveling downhill? The shear effort is libel to throw you right off balance and send you into the bushes.
The gravity and I am referring to in this metaphor, is divine timing. It doesn't need to be peddled. It has the Grace of God to back it up.

I don't know why I let myself get beat up by someone, whom probably has no clue how badly he is beating me up. I am truly just beating myself up, and I should be minding my own business, but I so badly want him to cooperate. I am guessing he is probably so busy beating the drum of how badly he has been beaten up because he was too busy trying to make me cooperate, my lack of cooperation to him seemed like an assault, and so says the law of attraction; somewhere in the high reaching vibrations of our co-creative "ASKING" is a perfect and divine relationship just calling us to it. I bet its true because I know that 99% of the things that I have complained about D not doing or giving or being, are exactly the same things he is complaining about me, not doing or giving or being. It's a perfect match.

In fact, the louder and longer the asking for something, as in the more painful the experience... and by painful I mean yelling and breaking things, and breaking up and other fantastic acts of complete frustration at the separation from God, the stronger and clearer and brighter the vibrational version of it becomes.

I know somewhere in our "vortex" we have created a magnificent relationship.
However, right now I am too angry and hurt to give a shit about that relationship, I just want it to stop, mostly because there isn't enough botox in the world to take off the years this hurt is hanging on my face. No man, is worth wrinkles. No man.

It's a crying shame, and I literally mean bawling; just ask my pillows, my dog, and my yoga mat... its a crying shame that D and me have spent all of our energy trying to wrestle the other to the ground instead of just getting into our own alignment by feathering our own nests then we would align with the relationship we desire. If we only held the other in the highest vibrational version of the other instead of trying to beat each other into submission...the vortex of love and well being is calling, and calling, and calling us to go, and we are obstinate buggers,
{as Abraham- Hicks would say} and refuse to go.

So, tired can be a good thing, because once we give up and let go of our resistance {wresting the issue to the ground and beating it with a stick} that sneaky old vortex will suck us in. It's always calling and sucking. So give it up people...that's the work; to give it up. Although it doesn't have to be as painful I am making it. That's why I write, so you can all benefit from my stupidity. Aren't I nice?

OK so exciting news... my friend Sarah Thambosso, will be giving a workshop on the Law of Attraction here in Whistler, and the topic, gratefully is "Relationships"

I will be video interviewing her on Tuesday and we will post it for you here if you would like to meet her.

She is a gifted intuitive and transformational coach, certified law of attraction guru.

Stay tuned for that interview...

Day 16 Leaving it on the mat, and other methods of allowing

It's incredible how one day, I am riding this awesome wave of manifesting $1500 worth of brand new boots and skis FOR FREE and then next, I am back to being a puddle on the floor.

Sometimes my heartache hits me so powerfully, all I can do is surrender to it... and by surrender, I mean quietly weeping all through my yoga class, slipping out the door and sobbing in my jeep for another half an hour and then home to cry my eyes out in the shower...Let me tell you I have given new meaning to the yogi phrase, "leave it all on the mat" I left it all on the mat, tears, snot and sweat.

And on that note, I want to impress the importants of understanding the receiving, or allowing aspects of attraction; because really that's where all of our attention should be. Asking is happening all the time, with every trail of snot and drop of tear I shed in yoga; I am asking for what I want, and its being answered every time. Our work, is to get into vibrational match with the manifestations of it.

 Believing, well that important too, but the reality is; if you have thought about it, then at some level you believe its possible. "what the mind of man can conceive, it can achieve" - Napoleon Hill. The believing is the basically envisioning what is it you are asking for, seeing it in your minds eye, and most importantly feeling what it feels like to have it real and manifested. That's where things like vision boards, and playing games like "wouldn't it be nice if..." (and then fill in the blank of your wildest dream) come in handy.

Allowing is all together different; it really is an art. There are so many variables and things, and feelings and issues and dramas that get us out of alignment with our highest good and into resistance. And there are things, feelings, happenings and people that suck us right into alignment without our conscious awareness too...so that's fun, and is evidence that its not that hard to do, if we look for excuses.

Take my situation for example. I want my relationship healed and transformed into a better version and I know its possible because I have seen it in my mind and felt it in my heart. I long to be sharing my love and my life and our new baby with the highest best version of man I love in the highest best version of our relationship. And I have that version all documented in a journal that I wrote before we ever met, so I know its true and done somewhere in my vibration. Easy poesy. The problem is my reality is reflecting a very different picture; which brings up all of these negative emotions that keep me out of my manifesting zone.

Thankfully there is an answer. All that is actually required for me to get back in the vicinity of what I want is a combination of my belief that it is so, and done, and my ability to ease the resistance of my now moment reality, which is not always so fun and certainly is not reflecting what I want.

The good news is, I am not required to make shit up, lie to myself, stuff my feelings down into a pit and pretend everything is groovy - as if the universe would believe it anyway, I just have to keep giving myself relief. If that means crying into my yoga mat for an hour, Imma gonna do it... If that means singing schlocky 70's love songs into a hair brush in my living room while my roomie and her boyfriend cringe, Imma gonna do it.

It also means; if the only way for me to get back into alignment with the relationship I want, is to take myself away from the situation and leave the one I love until I can realign enough to get into vibrational match to it ( and hope that it gives him a chance to realign ) then I was going to do that too. Sometimes you have to risk it all, let it all go and just trust that the universe has a better plan than I could ever conceive to bring me what I want. Knowing that it will all unfold in its own perfect time also gives me one less thing to worry about. {thats always good for alignment} And so it is.

There is nothing more important than that I feel good, even if good is just relief and relief means that I just surrender to feeling sad instead of fighting it, and so the relief feels better, and better ends up singing into her hairbrush, which actually is pretty fun, and soon I'm feeling pretty good... see how that works?

Day 15 Appreciation vs Gratitude...can you feel the difference?

I want to talk about how understanding the difference between appreciation and gratitude can help to create a monumental shift in your everyday practice of attracting more of what you want and less of what you don't.

We all hear about the importance of gratitude, and you may say that this is semantics, but I want you to really take a moment and feel the subtle, but distinct different between the two vibrations.

Gratitude indicates some relief; as in thank God that car missed me by 2 inches or I'd be worm food.
Appreciation lacks the essence of a the narrow escape. Whislt, to feel appreciation for a beautiful sunset, or a friendly encounter, is a vibration we can carry with us all day and notice in small increments; gratitude is reserved for a situation where, the results or lack of the thing to be grateful for could have resulted in something unpleasant. I am so grateful for that donation of clothes, or I would have frozen to death in the snow...{ because I am penniless and homeless.} in this gratitude we are also holding the vibration of an alternate reality where there is the potential of the absence of the thing we are grateful for, and or energizing the experience that is not so pleasing, which is lack and poverty. I can appreciate and be grateful simultaneously, but I don't have to feel grateful in order to connect to appreciation.  So, subtle yet powerful difference. Appreciation is clean, unmistakable and easy to apply to moment to moment miracles of any size, with no bitter aftertaste.

Speaking of which, I have something awesome to share and I feel super GRATEFUL because there is  an alternate experience which has been in my vibration; and that is my 4 season old skis and boots that are totally pooched. I just want to say, I am a freaking awesome manifester, and that although many of my manifestation seem to come through absolute necessity, they do come none the less and not a moment too soon.

Since starting my job at here in Whistler, I have been asking the universe {and by asking I mean anticipating} that eventually I would earn enough WB referral bucks (which are like commissions for referring guests to our retail stores) so that I could get new skis and boots. In fact, just the last few weeks I have been dreaming and desiring these new items pretty intently. And I think what sealed the deal for me, was I took a guest I was skiing with to the demo tent to get him some powder skis, and was telling him with great gusto how cool these Rossignol S7 were;  and boy those are the skis I am going to get just as soon as I can. The important thing here is that I wasn't holding the thought of wanting, which often just activates vibe of lack, so much as I was seeing myself as having them soon and thinking about how much fun my new skis and boots were going to be, and what a rock star ripper I would be on them...

Yesterday morning my rommie and I went by the office; Steph had some pay stubs to pick up and we were just talking about referral bucks and I wished they would hand them out soon because I would have loved to see how much I had, and I had a day off to go spending them. {I really had no clue really how much money I might actually get } and my boss says "Hey, Adrienne I have two envelopes with WB bucks in them for you!" $825 worth. I freaked.

Ready for the best part? The best part was when I ran gleefully over the Can Ski, where my bucks are good; it just so happened that they had a brand new pair of the skis I had just been oogling in the demo tent and on the feet of many of my friends, that had been mis-drilled; which means they could not resell them at regular price. They had to sell them to me at a ridiculous discount! Boo hoo!
 This also meant, that my original intention to get boots first, because I needed them more, and then wait for more WB bucks was no longer an issue. I had enough to get the boots and the skis!

When you let the universe do your bidding, and just get busy appreciating all the little comings and goings in your life, you will find that often you get more than what you asked for. The universe has all the hook-ups you could ever need.

Happy day.. and just to add another point of appreciation, its snowing like mad and I have a day off tomorrow to go play with my new toys.

Day 14 Chanting and Blogging

Chanting and blogging; this is what my morning routine has come to. I realized just how absurd it all sounds when my roomie asked what my plans were over tea and toast; and I said it out loud. It immediately had us bust out laughing hysterically. I don't care, its working for me.

I have been pondering the Einstein quote "you cannot solve a problem on the level it exists" and I truly believe this. Physical reality problems such as health and money can be "treated" on the same level, but rarely cured. Ill health is caused by emotional disturbance, and money is all about beliefs, thoughts and attitude towards the having or lack of it. You drop man who knows only wealth in a strange city with nothing but the shirt on his back and within 2 years he will be wealthy, or at least on his way. Same goes for someone who knows only poverty, they can win a lottery that would set them up for life, and if they are out of vibration with abundance, they will be broke within a couple of years.

It got me thinking about my own situation and what needs to be healed. What caused the conflict in my relationship that led to the heartbreaking end of a powerful love? A year was spent fighting over issues that were just symptoms of fears and beliefs that had nothing to do with the other person or the argument itself.

Set up up for disaster:
Me: I have major worthiness issues. I was raised with a grumpy, controlling, critical father who never understood his emotional creative daughter. I desperately wanted his approval, and rarely got it.
Darren: Also, critical overbearing parents, who deployed good old catholic guilt and set expectations that could rarely be lived up to because the bar was always being raised or moved and accomplishments belittled or overshadowed by some other non-achievement.

So Darren goes through a marriage with real controlling and manipulative woman, like his mother; who ends up betraying him. This experience causes him to send a rocket of desire into his future for a woman who is vulnerable and emotional and loving and wants to be a family. Be careful what you wish for.

Unfortunately, as it had been only a few short months after his separation; he hasn't quite cleared the trauma and doesn't quite trust himself that this kind of love is possible, and if it is, does he deserve it?

That distrust is projected onto poor little me, who of course has this "un-worthiness vibration" down pat and is just eager to find a man that she has to "prove herself" to.

The whole relationship starts out blissful, but the red flags are there. I am madly jumping through hoops, neglecting my life, business and better judgement trying to being super-girlfriend, super-step mom and trying to make up for his ex's bitchdom and I remember how Darren would look at me, raise his eyebrows and say "are you sure you want this?"
Imagine, going to a job, where are killing yourself to impress and your boss says "um, are you sure want this job?" If feels a little undermining.

Or instead of saying "I am in love with you" He would say "I hate you, I hate you more and more every day" and he did it in such a cute way that I knew what he was saying, but you see how powerful words are..and it was a cover for his heart, so he wouldn't have to be vulnerable; and let me tell you it stopped being cute real quick and started to trigger my insecurities. Or he would say "who are you?" And so it left me feeling like I had to show him, earn it, get his approval,love,validation and understanding. But as we know, when someone is looking for evidence to support their negativity, that's all they will see, and everything I was trying to do, including standing on my head and singing kumbabya all the live long day was being completely ignored. It becomes so dis-empowering that all my joy and creativity was being drained. And my angry inner 6 year old reactions to his invalidation's were draining his.

So, here he is, bless him; only operating for his own unconscious fears which ignites my own unconscious fears and I begin to push against him and he gets scared and tests me, and he pulls away and tries to guilt and manipulate me into submission which unleashes all my rage at my father, and inevitably sends him out the door, or into the basement at least.. never to be seen or heard from again
.
And the self fulfilling prophecies are realized and a wake of hurt and destruction is left behind. WTF?
I loved this man, and I could never fully convince him of it, and therefor always felt inadequate. Which turned me into an angry bitch.

We bring these mirrors of ourselves and our deepest fears into our reality for a purpose.
Which is why I am so compelled to forgive all of the painful and hurtful deeds and words.

The other night I got my first voluntary phone call from Darren, wanting to talk.
Maybe the chanting is working I don't know. All I can do is try to get him off the subjects of what it is he thinks I should be doing or have done differently and vice verse, because none of that will ever solve the problem. I couldn't stand on my head in enough ways to make him feel OK with everything that's happened...My only hope is that we can get to a place of enough peace, and let go of the hurt enough to forgive, and to see that healing is always possible when we take responsibility for everything we experience in life, no blame, no exceptions.

No change will ever come through beating the drum of what is... what is, is not the cause or the solution for what is. It is simply the result of what we are holding in our vibration. The solution is to change the vibration on whatever level it exists, be it past events, beliefs, emotional or spiritual or get off the subject all together until you can feel good enough in general to bring what is into a new light.

Day 13 Release Worry, Allow Miracles

Law of attraction principals are simple
Ask-Believe-Receive

Today's subject matter pertains to receiving, or allowing. I am going to focus on this because as you can read in my blog, the asking part is happening naturally all the time. Every moment of heartache and frustration and worry is sending those rockets of healing and resolution into my future. The work is to get into alignment with allowing the new reality in.

Releasing worry is one of the most powerful ways to get into a receiving state of being. Worry is a killer. It's keeps the vibration of what you lack, active. So we want to clear it asap.

Back in 2010 during the Olympics games here in Whistler, I was going through a period of struggle.
One morning, well many mornings, but this one morning in particular; I woke up at 4am with this pit of anxiety in my stomach. My head was spinning with the fact that in about three weeks, I had about $3500 in bills due that I had no way of paying and no job. My business was closed due the games, and my side job had basically dried up. I made the decision that I was not going to let fear and worry paralyze me. I knew it was not going to serve any clear thinking or align me with any miracle solutions.

I got out bed, went downstairs, lit a candle and sat on my meditation cushion and began chanting.
This is when the Buddhist Diamoku 'Nam Myoho Renge Kyo" that I introduced you to the other day really worked its magic.

Nam Myoho Renge Kyo means: "To honor and devote oneself to the Law of the Lotus Sutra"
And its a powerful manifestation tool, designed to get you on the fast track to enlightenment.

http://youtu.be/SZdw5GjwVD0

Within about an hour, I had relaxed, and I pulled out my journal and began to write:
Dearest Adrienne.
Fear not, the bills will all be paid.
You will move, but not yet; in the fall. You will move into a beautiful space and from there you will start to create everything you ever wanted.
All you have to do is be, All I have to be is me.

Well let let me tell you, I was a bit stunned by this message. And I will tell you the how the rest of that message turned out later.

So needless to say, that pit of worry had dissolved and just then, I got a text from one of my favorite ski buddies. We had at least 20cm of fresh snow fall overnight and he was on his way to pick me up! Yay! We had an unbelievable ski day, I didn't worry for a minute, although I noticed that the worry had been replaced with more of an anticipation, or curiosity about how my miracle would manifest. About 2 pm we decided to into the lodge for a hot chocolate and rest our legs. Just then, Dave gets a phone call from his sister who is in a panic. She says Dave, we just fired our driver who is picking up entertainers from Vancouver and bringing them to venues around town and I desperately need a replacement. Someone who is totally free 11 hours a day, for the next 12 days and can drive.
It pays $350 a day.
Dave looked straight at me and said, I think I have the perfect person.
I  nearly fell off my chair.
My prayer had been answers withing hours.

Why I ever stopped working with this mantra is beyond me, but I am back on the bandwagon and encourage you to join me. Please share any crazy manifestations that appear in your life... and I will keep you posted on mine.

Once again, another link to this powerful prayer. This is a slow tutorial with the words. It a tongue twister, but listen and mumbling apparently works too ;)

http://youtu.be/7WVxBIbgpSM

Day 12 I totally stole this ....

This comes from Gay Hendricks at the Hendricks relationship institute.
I would love to interview either half of this lovely couple.. They have such expanded view of what relationships can be ... I shall commit this affirmation to memory and anything that doesn't feel "believable" in my subconscious, I will jot down and "tap" it through to ensure it sticks! ... Which means I better get a big piece of paper and do a whole bunch of tapping .. remember, it doesn't matter where you are, just put your boat in the water and head downstream.

For more insights and to subscribe to Hendricks emails or workshops go to

www.Hendricks.com


I free my natural genius to create my magnificent life.
I commit to becoming aware of the unconscious patterns that limit me.
I discover the essential questions of my magnificent life.
Blessings flow in the parts of my life I used to complain about.
With ease, I turn all my heart’s desires into reality.
I love as much as I can, wherever I happen to be.
I wonder about all the things I used to worry about.
Life flows easefully as I speak honestly and keep my agreements
impeccably.
I look for things to appreciate wherever I go, and I speak my
Appreciation liberally

Day 11 When all else fails ...

Its 7am and I've been awake since 5
I feel exhausted.
Doing the appreciation thing, only served to make me sad again.
All I want is to wake up next to Darren with his arms around my baby belly and be happy again.
And for wanting that, I get accused of being selfish. I am selfish because I lose my cool, after repeated attempts to communicate, empathise, beg and plead for him to work it out, go completely ignored. So I guess I am selfish. It's all about me. Sue me. I'm a terrible person.

I am going to share with you a Buddhist mantra I have used in the past.
It's really powerful and helped me with some monetary issues, quickly and miraculously.
Maybe it will work on stubborn angry men. Apparently Tina Turner used this to gain her courage to leave Ike. She is interviewed on You Tube talking about it.

http://youtu.be/qyUsmjaZC2c

Listen to this everyday, and chat along for at least 15mins-30 mins.


http://youtu.be/WhN3Y8aSJyI


I have to share this strange occurrence.
Since yesterday, I have pulled the same card from my Doreen Virtue Goddess Guidance deck.
consecutively. There are 44 cards in the deck.. and I shuffle and spread them out like a dealer...4 times in a row and this morning.. same card again.
The card is "Isolt" - Undying Love- the love you have shared is eternal, regardless of the situation.

Day 10 Turning anger into appreciation; is work people...but hey, its only happiness at stake.

I found this blog called "7 Ways You're Giving Up Your Personal Power" I checked off 3 out of 7;
In one day.

I lost the freaking plot again today (and I deeply love and forgive myself.. tap tap tap )
I let this passive aggressive control freak completely unravel me. He knows exactly how to stonewall and manipulate me, until I lose it. All I want is to go and pick up some clothes, because I am getting FAT with HIS CHILD.

 

I gave up my power, by allowing someone else to manipulate me, and by even engaging in a toxic relationship with a man who thinks its awesome and totally OK to mess with my head and endanger my sanity and thus, the health and well being of his own offspring.
(I am venting a bit here, but I promise to bring this back to constructive law of attraction tools.)

Now I could go on a rampage of resistance, and declare what a total jerk-off he is and I should kick him to the curb and move the hell on, and maybe I will; but we don't always have that luxury. And even if we did, as long as that vibration is there, we will just keep attracting new versions of the same energy... and by energy, I mean jerk-offs.

Sometimes we are just stuck with people; people we work with, family members co-workers, who just know how to push our buttons. It feels like they are "doing to us" when the reality is, they are in our vibration, because we put them there.

How do we get off the ride when we are emotionally and energetically invested? ...And by ride I mean a merry-go-round with some toxic energy sucker who has mommy issues; on a head trip to hell and back.

First of all, and just on a general level...

I have to take responsibility. Ho'ono'pono'pono (Look it up if you haven't heard this Hawaiian prayer)
I have lowered my standards as to how I am willing to feel.
I have taught him, through the course of our relationship that this type of behavior was OK.
Every time he used guilt, disapproval or manipulation to get what he wanted; I would react and immediately defend myself, or bend over backwards or go above and beyond to prove myself to him.
That made him feel loved. It made me resentful. I could see I was being bamboozled but I was powerless to stop because my resistance of it, kept it in my vibration. Hook line and sinker every time.

On a deeper level...

We are holding these patterns in our vibration, because we learned them somewhere. It's how we learned to get our needs met early on, or how we were taught to demonstrate love. I know that's how his mother demonstrated love. because I've met her, and if anything positive ever comes out of her mouth, there is a take away statement that immediately follows. "Darren is the smartest of all my boys, and the biggest disappointment that he didn't do more with his life." Charming right?  Disapproval, manipulation and guilt. It's also how my father exerted his control over me. These two should meet; the antithesis of unconditional love; I bet neither one was breast fed.

OK, so we could go on with all the poor me crap forever and make excuse after excuse but the point is, who cares. Lets get on with changing this. Because it sucks.

I am going to link some EFT in here, because of you noticed in any of the video's I've posted or in my scripts I often ask you to stop and pause on "the first time in your life you may have had a similar experience, or felt that way before." Recalling or connecting to that inner child is a great opportunity to tap through some of the older memories. The deeper we can access the old patterns of beliefs, the more powerful the clearing.

Aside from the tapping I am going to deploy a law of attraction technique that right now, is making my stomach turn at the prospect of doing it. I am really pissed off right now. So pissed off in fact, that I have a running monologue as I am driving, working, eating, writing, that is a continuous steam of venom at Darren and the injustices of his behavior.

Today's test of metal, is to find 10 things about him I appreciate. {I just barfed in my mouth typing this} I encourage you, to think of something, person, situation that is dominating your thoughts in a negative way and flip it on its head.

10 THINGS I APPRECIATE ABOUT DARREN:

10: He has a great ass. (phew, OK I got one)
9: I loved that he was always really affectionate and a death grip spooner
8: I loved that he always wanted to do things together. That made me feel wanted and loved.
7: He let me teach him to ski, he never whined, he always kept up even though I almost killed him in a tree well one day.
6: I loved that he was always up for any activity, just so he could be with me. Including a 3 hour Kundilini Yoga workshop I took him to... and he fully got into it! Chanting and swaying like the ocean... it was awesome.
5: I love that he is a good dad and loves to have kids and their friends around and never gets irritated like my dad would.
4: I love that he was always laid back, and we had the same rhythms. We just enjoyed being together, sleeping in, going for bike rides things like that.
3: I loved that he wanted a family, and more children, with me.
2: That he loved making huge pancake breakfasts on the weekends.
1: I am grateful that he gave me the chance to be a mommy again, and I hope our son has Darren's smarts, and athletic build and my creativity and his blue eyes, and my thick hair... and my nose and ears.  (because his are big:)

If only we could blend the aspects of our relationship like that. We would be perfect.

1.a  I loved that he would listen to me rattle on, tell my long winded stories and also had a open and curious mind about my philosophical ideas.
1.b I loved that he would pull out his Ipad at bed time and want to listen to Abraham-Hicks and other new thought teachers that I turned him on to, and then would be snoring in seconds.

OK, I think I did pretty good. I can say I don't feel angry anymore, just sad. Crap.

Here is an awesome Abraham-Hicks clip on other peoples negativity and reacting to it:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P_6aq-bJT58&feature=share&list=PL8304F33606677111

Day 9 Daily intention

Just a quick post which I will add more detail to as I am taking a reiki level one this weekend with the awesome Tina Theopanous.

I am just going to share with you my morning law of attraction routine just working with issues that are coming up for me.

So every morning I am making a point of turning inward and just meditating on my breath. All that does is help to increase connection to intuition and quiet the mind, that's where ideas inspiration and knowing are allowed to flow... In the gaps between thoughts.
Wayne Dyer "Getting in the Gap" is an awesome Cd and book for learning basic meditation and accessing the gap between thoughts.

Also I am doing daily tapping.
Right now for me, letting go of my relationship outcome is still a really emotional point for me so I am tapping every day like this:
Even though I am really sad. And really frustrated. And I miss Darren and feel so out hurt by his rejection. I deeply love and forgive myself, and I am choosing to trust that the universe will deliver me, and heal this issues in perfect time.

Then tap only on the negative all points ...

Deep breath and tap all points on the positive.

I am going to do a variation of this ever day until this situation or at least my emotions around it are resolved ...

For today I am trusting that my angels and guides are working around the clock to heal this situation and that all is well and will be done for my highest best good of myself and my baby. And so it is.

If you want love, notice and appreciate loving couple...

Money, notice
prosperity all around you...

Have a magical day and practice looking for that which you are wanting to see in YOUR life!

Day 8 Navigating Intention and confliction

Sometimes this shit gets tricky.
Yesterday I wrote an empowering post regarding my new found clarity and letting go of my relationship and surrendering to the fact that I just can't control this situation, and what the feck, I'm probably better off with out the jerk father of my unborn child... and I can create this new awesome version of my life on my own, manifesting everything I need and aren't I fecking awesome and inspiring!

And so, the universe and law of attraction responds.. as it always does, that yes, I CAN do this...
But there is a rub in there.. be careful what you wish for.

So yesterday I get a message from a beautiful new mother, whom I have never met; who read my blog and took pity on me, and graciously and generously offered to give me 2 whole boxes of super awesome boy clothes for the first 0-6  months! I will need to buy nothing! Yay!! And so I go over to her place to pick them up and coo at her new baby, and she says "by the way, I read that you wanted to do hypno-birthing.. well I have the home study version, you can use it." I was stunned. What are the odds, that I would just one day ago, come to terms with the fact that Darren was not going to show up for hypno-babies class that I had deliberately registered for 5 minutes from our his house, but and had just been sent my deposit back, {because I basically called the educator and tearfully told her I was just not ready to sit in a roomful of happy expectant hypno-couples, as a single.} And presto bingo, I have the home study kit to do it myself. Well, I am so happy I just want to shit.  Only I don't.

Again, the glaring truth of my reality hits. We tried for 18 months to conceive this baby, and I have these dreams of a beautiful and intimate birth experience with the man I created this life with, and he isn't wanting to be there. Or he is just too hurt and mad at me to even process whats happened, or he has run off with someone new... I have no fecking idea, but my hunch is that its door number two. And so  I feel completely conflicted. There is a part of me, that doesn't want to let go of the possibility that I could manifest a complete transformation of my relationship with him and have the love and the birth of our son that my heart is longing for; if I just shift something in me. It's so easy, when there is no one else who needs to be a match to the experience I am wanting. How do I hold two conflicting intentions in my vibration. How do I turn away from something I really really want and start to get into alignment with my second choice reality. It's a conundrum.

I want healing and transformation for Darren, me and our relationship. I don't want a life on my own. I want my own life, and to be me, and to feel free and empowered within my relationship, but his expectations of me had me feeling the opposite. I want him to see me and love everything about me.
And want me to be happy, and fulfilled and for him to take care of me and our child the way a man should, when I need it, and be my biggest chearleader me when I don't.

"Do you seek rule, supremacy, and sway when you are bound to serve, love and obey?"- Shakespeare
That is a heavy and poignant questions; to blend the two would be powerful, and empowering.
As a couple, we would rule supreme.

So here is my plan of attraction on this subject:

And listen to this video from Abraham-Hicks on fighting in relationships, I love this shit:
Alex this ones for you ;)

http://youtu.be/sICvq16FFuU

I will be the woman in that relationship now. Empowered, clear, fulfilled etc...in or out of that relationship is irrelevant to the laws of attraction. I am going to feel the way I want to feel in the relationship now and the relationship and he, will line up, or something or someone else will. I will never manifest the relationship I want, focused on the lack of it, or his inadequacy. I will to go to bed every night and image what it would feel like to be in the relationship that I know is possible for us. I can only hold a vision of the version of him I would like to have in my life. AND I am still totally in alignment with my perfect home, and moving back to the city and having more than enough income, I will just get more general in the details..and I dont have to fear about one canceling out the other, because the universe will align for me the best possible outcome.
 It's trickery, I know. But its worth a shot.

{Going general on something that is a hot topic is a really powerful way to bring yourself back into alignment, so I will go into that more later, with the help of Ester and Abraham I am sure.}

So, the strategy...because I have lots of moments where I am still too mad and sad, and I have to clear the wanting of the relationship I don't have. Its not enough to will myself, my subconcious has to have some buy-in...I'm going to tap (EFT) daily for several rounds a day with this:

Set up on karate chop point:

Even though I am not a vibrational match to the relationship I am wanting and I feel really sad that I am separated from the one I am wanting, I deeply love and forgive myself and him.

Tap on all points: I feel really sad that I am separated from the relationship I want, and the love I know is possible for me. I am really hurt and angry that Darren is not lining up vibrationally with my perfect match right now, I really want him to. I want him to love me the way I know I deserve to me loved. It really pisses me off that he doesn't see me in the way I want him to, or value me in the way I want him to. (Tapping several rounds here) And that he is not here in my life, sharing our pregnancy.

(Deep breath)

Karate chop point:

Even though we are clearly not in a vibrational match right now, I love and forgive myself. And I love and forgive him and am choosing to only think of him in my highest most awesome version of him I can. I send him the highest love, light and hope for us.

All points:

 I know we both deserve the highest version of love available and all I have to do is get myself to align with it. I cant change his alignment but I can change mine. I am choosing to believe that miracles are possible that the healing and vibration shift our love needs to grow, is done and waiting for me to line up with it. I am holding the perfect vision of a perfect birth and that our baby will bring us closer together than ever before.

Here is my friend Krista-Jane empowerment and transformation guru from down under; giving a demonstration on tapping

http://youtu.be/FmIS69vB12I

How I manifested some cool stuff…

 

I got happy.

I basically went on a mission, to brainwash myself out of any negative thinking or feelings of anxiety. I had been given an insight by a spiritual teacher, who channeled a personal message to me. He said “lessons in trust; change the thoughts, change the reality.” Sounds kind of vague, I know. But it’s not. What’s interesting about the way “hear” things when have been asking for answers versus when someone just handing out unsolicited advice, or some random crap I read in a blog; just for instance…. Is that I hear it, and immediately get it, and have an uncontrollable compulsion to apply it to my life. This struck me as more than an abstract concept. I was going to get to work on changing my thoughts. Then it occurred to me…36 years of thought patterns and perception of what my reality is needed to be undone. I thought, what I think about my life and state of the union had been brainwashed into me, and I am going to brainwash myself out of believing any of it.

It sounds insane, and I don’t know how else to describe my thought process, but it was as if a light bulb went on and I had a glimpse of my potential to free my mind from the confines of what I was “perceiving” my physical 3 D reality to be. I was going to hurl myself into a state of denial. Anything that wasn’t feeling good, looking good or going good, I was just going to turn my cheek the other way and make up a new story. Anything that needed immediate attention and I just didn’t have a solution for, I was going to hand over to the universe to solve and not worry about it. I bought myself a pass to the Scandinavian spa, and spent as much time as I could, in a complete state relaxation, in nature and cedar sauna contemplation and I fantasized about a life that didn’t exist. I began listening to Abraham-Hicks and positive mind movies from youtube incessantly on my iPhone. I read books, downloaded audio books and literally went on a positive affirmation rampage. Below I will share with you a couple of my favorite “mind movies” to get you going. I highly recommend that you go on you tube, on any subject matter you would like to see in your reality and watch and listen to 10 minute clips on the subject. But the most important part of the exercise is to pretend like you are actually experiencing what it is you are wanting. I would sit in the hot tub at the Scandinavian and design my dream home. I would imagine walking in the door, the decor the rugs; the living breathing day to day life there… let me tell you, it’s the bomb. Sadly, I stopped doing it too soon. I got distracted and haven’t yet manifested it, but I was starting to get some pretty freaky feedback from the universe that told me it was possible and all I needed to do was stay happy and in the flow of life. I will share more on those crazy signs, and some real awesome, last minute miracles that will shock and amaze you; later.

Now, I get not everyone has the luxury of spending several hours a week in an outdoor bath house to help really clear the mind, but you have to realize that years and years of perceived reality, naysayers and painful experiences isn’t going to switch over to happy thoughts without some effort; and I guess that’s why I labeled my transformational work as “brainwashing” because that it the degree of attention I will willing to give it. I had an amazing minister in the new age church I used to go who always said “…you want to heal your money, your relationships, and your disease people? Get to work on them! Get in the flow of the creative process and quit hiding out here in church!” he was awesome. You have to get to work on it. And I am getting back to work on it too.

This is a great clip by Abraham-Hick, she is a channel for a collective consciousness called Abraham and her teachings are responsible for the movie The Secret

Get Happy

http://youtu.be/ykAPG_Ap7cY

Find a way to feel good

http://youtu.be/Rpi4IUPzIiU

 

 

 

 

 

Day 7 Clarity..

What’s amazing to me is that after only 6 days of blogging, I am feeling better more often that I am feeling bad. It’s true what I said about emotions, if something feels good, do it. That good feeling is the universe, or your higher self or God or whatever, affirming that what you are doing is in alignment with who you are and what you desire. Even though, scarcely a single sole has read my blog and apparently nobody is following me, I feel quite satisfied. So satisfied in fact that I might dare to say I am ready, possibly to start declaring one or two thoughts about what I would like to see unfolding, or be experiencing in my reality 54 days from now. That would put me at April 20, 2013.

I will start with the vision of hope I received during my Yoga class the other day, my bottom day.  It was a vision of a beautiful space for my 2 sons and me and the pug and more than enough money coming in monthly to cover everything, while I cared for my boys and continued with my creative projects.

 I love my home in Whistler, with my friend Stephanie and her son Zack, and I feel loved and cared for. I also love the lifestyle here, teaching skiing and living in the mountains and the lakes but something tells me I will be back in the city by the end of March. So, my first intention for these 60 days of attraction is that I will manifest a beautiful apartment, with lots of space, close to nature for me and my 2 sons; one new born and one, nearly a man of 17. I will also have more than enough income to afford the ideal place with ease.

As I lay in bed last night, I dared to dream an even more outlandish dream; that I would be able to buy a place of my own. I have no idea how that might happen; even if I received a windfall, I am not too mortgage-able. But I’m putting that out there anyhow. Just to raise the stakes.

I am reminded of another time in my life where I was in a situation when I had no idea how I was going to make a home for Shawn and I, which I would feel good about and that was within my budget. It was back in 2010, and I had a similar period of uncertainty.  Whistler was home to the Olympic winter games that year and the event had wreaked havoc on a lot of local business, mine being one.  I decided to lease out my business space over about 2 months around the games instead of trying to operate. It was a good choice, but there were still challenges. I decided I was going to use that 2 month time span to dig deep into some self-work. I had burning questions about my inability to create stability or sustainability in my life both monetarily and in relationships. I had been chronically single and broke for at least 12 years, as I raised my son on my own and struggled. I was ready for some answers, and as they say, when you are ready they will come.

I had been already a big fan and follower of The Secret and the Teachings of Abraham-Hicks. But intuitively I knew that there were some beliefs that needed clearing before real change would occur. I had inner child work to do. Ick. I knew this meant visiting some potentially painful memories, but I was ready. {I will get into that work later} Over the course of the following few months and endless agonizing over that move to the city, it was these principles and tools I will share with you that spontaneously manifested {among several other shocking miracles} a phone call from a friend with a beautiful furnished with east meets west coast apartment, 2 bed 2 bath and gorgeous views and they wanted me look after it while they moved to Panama… gee, if you really need me to. Oh you’ll subsidize the rent too? Hhhhmmmmm OK. So, I have faith that I can do it again, and that will be one of my linking examples when I get more into tapping with EFT on the matter. So starting tomorrow, I will begin to unveil my plan of ATTRACTION…

This Blog is not titled "Skipping through the tulips..."

This blog is Titled 60 Days of attraction "test of metal"
I understand that this content and the irreverence of my self analysis may not be to every ones taste, but there is a point, beyond a forum for my own personal pity party.

One of the reasons I have chosen to share all of my deep dark thoughts, is to allow you to see into my heart, and connect in a way that is deeply personal. Not so that well meaning people who love me will freak out and come to my rescue as if I need rescuing. I'm a tough nut, thanks... look at what I am doing here...blogging publicly about my deeply personal trauma requires some serious ovaries...hello?!

That being said, this journey will not resonate with everyone, it will resonate (hopefully) however, with those who might be feeling some of the same things. I am not a suicidal maniac, although there are days I resemble one, so please don't fret if I indulge my lower self emotions, what are you so afraid of anyhow? I'll tell ya...

There is an overwhelming tendency for us to suppress our feelings for the very reasons that I am getting some concerned reactions to mine, and this blog.

There is a disease we are all suffering from, and its called denial. Denial of our authentic self. Denial causes us to suppress our true nature so that everyone around us can feel OK.

Your emotions are your own personal guidance system that are working in perfect order to show you the way to the light and the path of your highest potential. Your guidance system has been divinely designed to make you feel crappy when you are out of alignment, in your thinking, or actions or with who you are. We are plagued by this need to control or worse, suppress our emotions and or save and console others out of theirs. "There, there" we say, "I'll make you some tea, now pull up your boot straps and get on with it."

We never learn to listen or to create healthy ways to console ourselves, which leaves us needy and co-dependant. It has also caused the most stone dead society of drones in meat suits whom are completely out of touch of what the universe is calling them to; love, expansion, abundance, joy, bliss, true self...emotions are not to be feared, or repressed or fixed or cured or medicated; they are the cure, out of this unconsciousness. Emotions won't paralyze you, if you honor them for what they are telling you; talk to me... I'm listening, I want to hear it all. And then, get busy feeling and soothing your way into your new and better feeling reality. Clear them, and it will bring a clarity the likes of which will manifest miracles.

I feel grateful right now, because this post has helped me to see that I was so attached to pleasing everyone around me; I was resisting listening to my feelings, needs and desires. I was so attached to my man, and dreams of what I thought our life was going to be I didn't give myself, nor did I have permission to explore how I could honor my needs within the relationship. My partner could see the signs of my unhappiness and was so fearful of losing what images of us he was attached to, and attempted to guilt and shame me instead of listen and explore and allow. Needless to say that no growth or transformation was possible. A powerful love was lost because of fear, and the resentment, stress and bitterness drained me of all of my creative juices and the compassion out of the relationship. Fear of, and repression of emotions is a real buzz kill.

Many blessing and much love to all my concerned friends, I'll be ok xoxo and I feel your love ;)

Day 5 Mornings suck

I would like to wake up, just one morning and not feel sad. Not want to stay under the covers and cry for the greater part of a day. There has not been one morning in 2 months I haven't had to cold compress the swelling out of my face, just the get the mascara on. This sucks.

The fact is, there is nothing I can do. I will be done my grief, when I am done my grief. I can't determine how long that will take, but I know that the worst thing I can do for my grief is try to fight it. It is what it is, and it's part of the healing process. Resistance is futile.

 It's also a golden opportunity for me to learn to self regulate, to self-sooth back to better feeling thoughts, not allowing them to become overwhelming through resistance. Thoughts; like the breath, come and go, and they come and they go and they come and they go...allowing me take my attention off the feelings for a moment. The memories of almost every morning for 2 years my love held me close feel were the  happiest times of my life, and I thought I would wake up beside him for all the days of my life.  I don't think think either of us got to work on time for the first year of our relationship. Mornings were our most intimate a and connected part of the day. I wake up every morning and like a bad dream, realize he isn't there, he will never be there.

 Learning to turn my attention away from my thoughts and bring it to my breath for a few moments brings relief. The feelings flow without the attachment to the thoughts, the memories and the bits I just cant control or change. Learning to take responsibility for my thoughts is the key to getting in the flow of the creative process and let go. I can't try to run from them, but I do notice, if I allow the feelings to come, it isn't long before my mind starts to sooth my heart. Thoughts of hope, and reassurance start to creep in. "This too will pass, Adrienne."
Until then, I will just keep breathing.

Day 4 Starting from where you are at...

Implementing conscious co-creation is a subtle art. I believe most people get into the principles of creation with an unrealistic set of expectations; that they can flip an idea on its head and create miracles with a few good daily affirmations and a vision board.  Those things are great but we really need to crawl before we walk, then run. You have to start from where you are at, and subtly move up the scale of feeling better and better in incremental proportion. One cannot go from despair to bliss in one fell swoop. Your subconscious mind is no dummy. It takes one look around your reality, checks in with how you really feel, and calls bullshit. This is one of the reasons why as of yet, I have not even set any sights on manifesting anything. The fact is, I have been in such a funk, the prospect of starting to vision, dream, or hope is just a foggy concept. The biggest manifestation I can seek to achieve from where I am is for me to be able to let go; even that can seems insurmountable. All I can hope for, or seek right now, is relief.

Yesterday was a painful day. The funny thing about pain; it is a powerful motivator. Sitting in any kind of pain causes us to seek relief, quick, like as in; get me the hell outta here! This is a magical place actually; this is where hope is born. This is the “asking” part of law of attraction. The asking for what it is you do want; happens all on its own, and like all good questions; if you tune yourself to the frequency of answers, the answers will come.  This is where self-care becomes a vital part of co-creation.  Self-care started for me today, by making some decisions.

I had planned to drive into the city and spend time with my friend Jane, who (because she is just the best friend ever) had gleefully agreed to be my birth partner and attend my hypno-birthing classes which was to be starting today. I was going to drive down to her place, have dinner, some laughs.  I was also convinced that I needed to “get some things” from my house, where my ex lives, and I don’t; anymore. One of the reasons I signed up for classes in the city, {besides being very interested in experiencing a pain free baby delivery} was that I was still hanging onto the hope that Darren was going to be there for me; that this would give us a focus and a chance to reconnect, and for him to connect with his unborn child, without the focus being on our issues. All road signs were glaring that this just was not going to happen. {Hence my bottom dropping day}

When you realize that the man you love is not going to show up for you, and his unborn child; because he has “enough to deal with” the pain in incredible; and that in turn, sends a rocket of desire launching into my immediate future that says “Make it stop!” This was the turning point, and it’s all up from there. It was time to let go. I woke up this morning, still in a fog of grief and a relatively restless night and I immediately began to question; given my realization, what choices could I make today that would be the best feeling choices? And keep me out of more harm’s way. I started to question the needs that I was attached to. Did I need to go to the city? To drive past the street I once lived on? Did I need to get those things I think I need from the house? And what would be the cost to my wellbeing and self-care.

The answers come by way of a quiet still knowing, these are the voices that we tend to muffle when we are busy trying to please or control others. Listening to self has no ego. Listening to self puts your boat back in the stream and casts it into the current of co-creation. As soon as I listened to that voice I started to feel relief.  The voice said; “really??  Do you really think it’s going to feel good to sit in a roomful of happy expectant couples while you watch the door, praying that he will show? I think not.” In fact I can just see myself collapsing into a puddle in the middle of class and needing to be carted away by white jackets.  Then it said “Do you really want to show up on his doorstep, walk into the home that you have just come to conclusion; you will never live in, or with him again? Tearfully pack a bag, search for T-shirts, socks, books and do it with some composure? Not likely.” Step number one in self-care, recognize when something doesn’t feel good, then don’t do it, even if {especially if} you are afraid you might lose the one last chance you have to retrieve what seems lost. Let it go. A great teacher once said to me, “what’s for you won’t pass by you.” Part of letting go, is trusting that this is true.

And from there, some small shifts began to occur. I decided to take my sad, sorry ass to yoga, listening that loving voice, I skipped an invite to a greasy breakfast. As I began my meditation, images began to crystalize that hadn’t been there before. Images of a future; where I had more than enough to support my 2 sons, a beautiful apartment for us, and the pug, and a new vehicle that was suitable for an infant.

For the first time, a life without my man, felt ok. I was free to pursue my passion of being a writer and a world traveller and spiritual teacher and I felt independent and hopeful about my future. And I knew the law of attraction was activating a future for me that already existed.  All I have to do is keep reaching for relief, and basking in the picture of me living in that reality, and align myself with wellbeing one little decision at a time.

Day 3 Hitting bottom...

Hitting Bottom.

How do you know when you've really hit bottom?
For me bottom feels like a big sobbing pit of despair. Throw in a whole lot of anger, some self pity lots of crying; interlaced with thoughts of vengeance...and by vengeance I mean ...Maybe I will drive my car off the road and that will teach them. Then they will suffer with guilt and grief for the rest of their miserable lives.... that sort of vengeance.

Bottom makes you do and think things you wouldn't normally; like lash out at people you love. It causes the kind of poor judgement that can make things worse; as if they could get any worse, and it can get worse. This is not a place you want to hang out in too long.

I woke up this morning to another nice retaliatory email from my estranged partner. There was one glaring statement that seemed to have triggered my spiral to the bottom. For months, I have been beating my head against the wall, and by wall I mean his arsenal of passive aggressive, evasive, manipulative, underhanded, invalidation, guilt trips; and other weapons of physiological destruction that have kept any prospect of mature conflict resolution, also known as; hope of our reconciliation, in the far reaching cosmos of Neverland.

What I have realized is that dealing with a narcissistic, passive aggressive, hurt, self-obsessed male, is a bit akin to negotiating with a 4 year old in mid tantrum, or Hitler; same, same. They don't want to play. They will do and say anything to hurt you; with the deliberate intent to see you unravel into a fury so that they can say "see??  you're crazy...!"

The comment; benign as it may seem, was this: "I have enough to deal with." This statement was preceded by a whole string of self pity and accusations of my neglect of his needs and ultimate rejection of me and wanting to work things out. Those things also sent a whole stream of fire balls through my veins however, I knew there was a deep chord being struck with aforementioned statement that was different. This cruel comment triggered so much hurt and abandonment that I felt desperate and compelled to lash out. I turned my sights on my mother, who I have also been feeling quite abandoned by during this whole break up; a guilt ridden text was sent, and subsequently forwarded to my brother who then proceeded to respond to me; on my mothers behalf with a string of profanity, insults and ultimate disownment by the family. The next 2 hours were spent crying in a public bathroom stall with thoughts of vengeance running through my mind...see how quickly this can get worse?

I digress...

Its important to notice when something strikes a deep chord. Usually its an indicator that there is more there than just a reflection of this one situation; perhaps it indicates an opportunity to clear some deep albeit probably painful memories or beliefs. You want to jot those things down, the things or words or situations that really hurt and have a strange familiarity.





You are probably asking yourself  "why in the hell would I want to jot that down? Aren't we doing law of attraction here; positive thinking and all that? In fact, this chick is getting kind of depressing." Bare with me; we are, but here is where it gets tricky. Deep in the subconscious mind is carried all of your past experiences and feelings that are linked to memories. When a trauma occurs and we are sent into a state of fight/flight/or flee and small vortex or block is created within your energy field; caused by that state of resistance. Every time a similar event or feeling is triggered, the vortex gains power. Part of creating sustainable success with law of attraction, is clearing as many of those traumas as we can. Because attraction is always working, be it pain or joy that you are attracting. Whatever is vibrating the loudest and largest in your fields is attracting more of the same into your experience. Scary huh?

So, when these situations keep coming up and familiar and unpleasant feelings are triggered, it indicates that there is a program running that you are going to want to clear. Most of my male relationships (the big ones anyhow) have had this theme of total invalidation of who I am. I don't feel worthy of being loved and I will beg,  plead, kick, yell or scream to be heard, loved and validated. These sorts of behaviors often bring about an end to the relationship and my unworthiness is then reinforced. It's awesome. I completely give up my power." Love me! Love me! I'm a good girl! Look at everything I can do for you!"  This quickly turns into me getting resentful as I am looking outside for what I should be giving myself from inside. Within all of my efforts to please, there is a need and an expectation for approval; expectations BTW are the number one cause of disappointment. {I'm sure that's a real statistic}


Moving into more positive territory...I have noticed, that when I hit bottom, I simultaneously get the sense that I am on the cusp of something good. With every horrible feeling or experience, its equal and opposite; the desired experience is being hatched; from what you don't want, you are formulating and recalibrating your point of attraction in the direction of what is you do want. "My boyfriend is a selfish ass who doesn't love or appreciate me the way I want to be loved and appreciated" This thought sends a rocket of desire into your future of a loving and appreciative relationship. This is how the "asking" actually happens in the theories of law of attraction. So take comfort, that from every crappy experience, there is an asking that is happening for what it is you do want, and you don't even have to do it deliberately; although I do recommend that you turn your frequency to notice it as often as you can. The feeling I am referring to, is also known as "hope".

{If you are doing the L.O.A. test of metal with me, its time to get out a journal; you will need it for the next 60 days.}

Now I am going to tap this out... out of my experience all together! (this may take a few sessions)
Please watch this youtube EFT tutorial if you don't know what tapping is. It kind of sucks (because I didn't do it myself) but I will post a better one soon.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8GwsRfq4kqc

Using ETF I will create my set up statement:

Tapping on karate chop point: Even though, I feel awful. The man I love, really hurt me. His comments brought up painful feelings of abandonment for me. I feel totally snubbed and unloved, and irrelevant. It feels awful but I am choosing to deeply love and forgive myself now.

(A lot of tappers use "love accept myself" but I am working with "forgive myself, based on the Hawaii prayer "Ho'ono'pono'pono" which is having us recognize that we are 100% responsible for our reality and everything in it.)

Tapping through the issue on all points:

 I want to feel loved, and valued and instead I am feeling like shit. Why don't the men I love, love me? I feel less than nothing to him and it really hurts. He has enough to deal with?? really?? Our unborn child and me aren't worth his time?? There are more important things that to deal with us?? I am so hurt. I feel so ripped off and sad and angry that as usual I am the last thing he cares about.

(The idea here is to let the feeling come through, allow them to flow and validate them by saying them out loud, conjuring up your deepest painful emotions to free them, and you of them once and for all)

Hopefully by now you are crying. (I know I am) I want you to stay with the tapping until the emotions decrease in intensity. From a scale of 1 - 10, we want to get you down to at least a two or three.

Then you are ready for the new belief...

Take a deep breath and stay turned inward. Ask yourself : when was the first time you felt this way?
Just allow your mind to carry you to another situation, in early years, or adolescence when you felt the same way. WRITE IT DOWN. The memory, what happened, how you felt, your age etc... we will use it later when we get into some inner child rescues. If the picture is clear and strong, have a chat with that version of you, tell her everything is OK, and she is loved. It can't hurt.

Tapping in the new beliefs:

Starting on the karate chop: Even though I feel really shit, and I am hurt and Darren is an asshole and the men I love are always invalidating me and making me like shit about myself, I know its a lie. A lie to cover up for the fact they are big scared weak pussies; so I am going to love and accept myself even if they don't! (that feels good)

Tapping all points:
I am worthy of love, and somewhere out there is a man who is worthy of me. I just haven't met him.
He would have to be pretty amazing to be worthy of me, and that's why these weak men in my life cant get the job done. They are not worthy of me! I am lovable and beautiful and know that one day, I will attract to me the love I have been searching for. I am getting ready. I am doing my work and getting ready for that. And it will be spectacular. I will feel free, and fulfilled and have joy and abundance in that relationship. So, until then, I will love myself, honor myself and obey MYSELF!
Yeah!!

Feels better already.... I'll do that a few more times and make you a video ;)