Thursday, February 28, 2013

Day 14 Chanting and Blogging

Chanting and blogging; this is what my morning routine has come to. I realized just how absurd it all sounds when my roomie asked what my plans were over tea and toast; and I said it out loud. It immediately had us bust out laughing hysterically. I don't care, its working for me.

I have been pondering the Einstein quote "you cannot solve a problem on the level it exists" and I truly believe this. Physical reality problems such as health and money can be "treated" on the same level, but rarely cured. Ill health is caused by emotional disturbance, and money is all about beliefs, thoughts and attitude towards the having or lack of it. You drop man who knows only wealth in a strange city with nothing but the shirt on his back and within 2 years he will be wealthy, or at least on his way. Same goes for someone who knows only poverty, they can win a lottery that would set them up for life, and if they are out of vibration with abundance, they will be broke within a couple of years.

It got me thinking about my own situation and what needs to be healed. What caused the conflict in my relationship that led to the heartbreaking end of a powerful love? A year was spent fighting over issues that were just symptoms of fears and beliefs that had nothing to do with the other person or the argument itself.

Set up up for disaster:
Me: I have major worthiness issues. I was raised with a grumpy, controlling, critical father who never understood his emotional creative daughter. I desperately wanted his approval, and rarely got it.
Darren: Also, critical overbearing parents, who deployed good old catholic guilt and set expectations that could rarely be lived up to because the bar was always being raised or moved and accomplishments belittled or overshadowed by some other non-achievement.

So Darren goes through a marriage with real controlling and manipulative woman, like his mother; who ends up betraying him. This experience causes him to send a rocket of desire into his future for a woman who is vulnerable and emotional and loving and wants to be a family. Be careful what you wish for.

Unfortunately, as it had been only a few short months after his separation; he hasn't quite cleared the trauma and doesn't quite trust himself that this kind of love is possible, and if it is, does he deserve it?

That distrust is projected onto poor little me, who of course has this "un-worthiness vibration" down pat and is just eager to find a man that she has to "prove herself" to.

The whole relationship starts out blissful, but the red flags are there. I am madly jumping through hoops, neglecting my life, business and better judgement trying to being super-girlfriend, super-step mom and trying to make up for his ex's bitchdom and I remember how Darren would look at me, raise his eyebrows and say "are you sure you want this?"
Imagine, going to a job, where are killing yourself to impress and your boss says "um, are you sure want this job?" If feels a little undermining.

Or instead of saying "I am in love with you" He would say "I hate you, I hate you more and more every day" and he did it in such a cute way that I knew what he was saying, but you see how powerful words are..and it was a cover for his heart, so he wouldn't have to be vulnerable; and let me tell you it stopped being cute real quick and started to trigger my insecurities. Or he would say "who are you?" And so it left me feeling like I had to show him, earn it, get his approval,love,validation and understanding. But as we know, when someone is looking for evidence to support their negativity, that's all they will see, and everything I was trying to do, including standing on my head and singing kumbabya all the live long day was being completely ignored. It becomes so dis-empowering that all my joy and creativity was being drained. And my angry inner 6 year old reactions to his invalidation's were draining his.

So, here he is, bless him; only operating for his own unconscious fears which ignites my own unconscious fears and I begin to push against him and he gets scared and tests me, and he pulls away and tries to guilt and manipulate me into submission which unleashes all my rage at my father, and inevitably sends him out the door, or into the basement at least.. never to be seen or heard from again
And the self fulfilling prophecies are realized and a wake of hurt and destruction is left behind. WTF?
I loved this man, and I could never fully convince him of it, and therefor always felt inadequate. Which turned me into an angry bitch.

We bring these mirrors of ourselves and our deepest fears into our reality for a purpose.
Which is why I am so compelled to forgive all of the painful and hurtful deeds and words.

The other night I got my first voluntary phone call from Darren, wanting to talk.
Maybe the chanting is working I don't know. All I can do is try to get him off the subjects of what it is he thinks I should be doing or have done differently and vice verse, because none of that will ever solve the problem. I couldn't stand on my head in enough ways to make him feel OK with everything that's happened...My only hope is that we can get to a place of enough peace, and let go of the hurt enough to forgive, and to see that healing is always possible when we take responsibility for everything we experience in life, no blame, no exceptions.

No change will ever come through beating the drum of what is... what is, is not the cause or the solution for what is. It is simply the result of what we are holding in our vibration. The solution is to change the vibration on whatever level it exists, be it past events, beliefs, emotional or spiritual or get off the subject all together until you can feel good enough in general to bring what is into a new light.

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Day 13 Release Worry, Allow Miracles

Law of attraction principals are simple

Today's subject matter pertains to receiving, or allowing. I am going to focus on this because as you can read in my blog, the asking part is happening naturally all the time. Every moment of heartache and frustration and worry is sending those rockets of healing and resolution into my future. The work is to get into alignment with allowing the new reality in.

Releasing worry is one of the most powerful ways to get into a receiving state of being. Worry is a killer. It's keeps the vibration of what you lack, active. So we want to clear it asap.

Back in 2010 during the Olympics games here in Whistler, I was going through a period of struggle.
One morning, well many mornings, but this one morning in particular; I woke up at 4am with this pit of anxiety in my stomach. My head was spinning with the fact that in about three weeks, I had about $3500 in bills due that I had no way of paying and no job. My business was closed due the games, and my side job had basically dried up. I made the decision that I was not going to let fear and worry paralyze me. I knew it was not going to serve any clear thinking or align me with any miracle solutions.

I got out bed, went downstairs, lit a candle and sat on my meditation cushion and began chanting.
This is when the Buddhist Diamoku 'Nam Myoho Renge Kyo" that I introduced you to the other day really worked its magic.

Nam Myoho Renge Kyo means: "To honor and devote oneself to the Law of the Lotus Sutra"
And its a powerful manifestation tool, designed to get you on the fast track to enlightenment.

Within about an hour, I had relaxed, and I pulled out my journal and began to write:
Dearest Adrienne.
Fear not, the bills will all be paid.
You will move, but not yet; in the fall. You will move into a beautiful space and from there you will start to create everything you ever wanted.
All you have to do is be, All I have to be is me.

Well let let me tell you, I was a bit stunned by this message. And I will tell you the how the rest of that message turned out later.

So needless to say, that pit of worry had dissolved and just then, I got a text from one of my favorite ski buddies. We had at least 20cm of fresh snow fall overnight and he was on his way to pick me up! Yay! We had an unbelievable ski day, I didn't worry for a minute, although I noticed that the worry had been replaced with more of an anticipation, or curiosity about how my miracle would manifest. About 2 pm we decided to into the lodge for a hot chocolate and rest our legs. Just then, Dave gets a phone call from his sister who is in a panic. She says Dave, we just fired our driver who is picking up entertainers from Vancouver and bringing them to venues around town and I desperately need a replacement. Someone who is totally free 11 hours a day, for the next 12 days and can drive.
It pays $350 a day.
Dave looked straight at me and said, I think I have the perfect person.
I  nearly fell off my chair.
My prayer had been answers withing hours.

Why I ever stopped working with this mantra is beyond me, but I am back on the bandwagon and encourage you to join me. Please share any crazy manifestations that appear in your life... and I will keep you posted on mine.

Once again, another link to this powerful prayer. This is a slow tutorial with the words. It a tongue twister, but listen and mumbling apparently works too ;)

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Day 12 I totally stole this ....

This comes from Gay Hendricks at the Hendricks relationship institute.
I would love to interview either half of this lovely couple.. They have such expanded view of what relationships can be ... I shall commit this affirmation to memory and anything that doesn't feel "believable" in my subconscious, I will jot down and "tap" it through to ensure it sticks! ... Which means I better get a big piece of paper and do a whole bunch of tapping .. remember, it doesn't matter where you are, just put your boat in the water and head downstream.

For more insights and to subscribe to Hendricks emails or workshops go to

I free my natural genius to create my magnificent life.
I commit to becoming aware of the unconscious patterns that limit me.
I discover the essential questions of my magnificent life.
Blessings flow in the parts of my life I used to complain about.
With ease, I turn all my heart’s desires into reality.
I love as much as I can, wherever I happen to be.
I wonder about all the things I used to worry about.
Life flows easefully as I speak honestly and keep my agreements
I look for things to appreciate wherever I go, and I speak my
Appreciation liberally

Monday, February 25, 2013

Day 11 When all else fails ...

Its 7am and I've been awake since 5
I feel exhausted.
Doing the appreciation thing, only served to make me sad again.
All I want is to wake up next to Darren with his arms around my baby belly and be happy again.
And for wanting that, I get accused of being selfish. I am selfish because I lose my cool, after repeated attempts to communicate, empathise, beg and plead for him to work it out, go completely ignored. So I guess I am selfish. It's all about me. Sue me. I'm a terrible person.

I am going to share with you a Buddhist mantra I have used in the past.
It's really powerful and helped me with some monetary issues, quickly and miraculously.
Maybe it will work on stubborn angry men. Apparently Tina Turner used this to gain her courage to leave Ike. She is interviewed on You Tube talking about it.

Listen to this everyday, and chat along for at least 15mins-30 mins.

I have to share this strange occurrence.
Since yesterday, I have pulled the same card from my Doreen Virtue Goddess Guidance deck.
consecutively. There are 44 cards in the deck.. and I shuffle and spread them out like a dealer...4 times in a row and this morning.. same card again.
The card is "Isolt" - Undying Love- the love you have shared is eternal, regardless of the situation.

Sunday, February 24, 2013

Day 10 Turning anger into appreciation; is work people...but hey, its only happiness at stake.

I found this blog called "7 Ways You're Giving Up Your Personal Power" I checked off 3 out of 7;
In one day.

I lost the freaking plot again today (and I deeply love and forgive myself.. tap tap tap )
I let this passive aggressive control freak completely unravel me. He knows exactly how to stonewall and manipulate me, until I lose it. All I want is to go and pick up some clothes, because I am getting FAT with HIS CHILD.
I gave up my power, by allowing someone else to manipulate me, and by even engaging in a toxic relationship with a man who thinks its awesome and totally OK to mess with my head and endanger my sanity and thus, the health and well being of his own offspring.
(I am venting a bit here, but I promise to bring this back to constructive law of attraction tools.)

Now I could go on a rampage of resistance, and declare what a total jerk-off he is and I should kick him to the curb and move the hell on, and maybe I will; but we don't always have that luxury. And even if we did, as long as that vibration is there, we will just keep attracting new versions of the same energy... and by energy, I mean jerk-offs.

Sometimes we are just stuck with people; people we work with, family members co-workers, who just know how to push our buttons. It feels like they are "doing to us" when the reality is, they are in our vibration, because we put them there.

How do we get off the ride when we are emotionally and energetically invested? ...And by ride I mean a merry-go-round with some toxic energy sucker who has mommy issues; on a head trip to hell and back.

First of all, and just on a general level...

I have to take responsibility. Ho'ono'pono'pono (Look it up if you haven't heard this Hawaiian prayer)
I have lowered my standards as to how I am willing to feel.
I have taught him, through the course of our relationship that this type of behavior was OK.
Every time he used guilt, disapproval or manipulation to get what he wanted; I would react and immediately defend myself, or bend over backwards or go above and beyond to prove myself to him.
That made him feel loved. It made me resentful. I could see I was being bamboozled but I was powerless to stop because my resistance of it, kept it in my vibration. Hook line and sinker every time.

On a deeper level...

We are holding these patterns in our vibration, because we learned them somewhere. It's how we learned to get our needs met early on, or how we were taught to demonstrate love. I know that's how his mother demonstrated love. because I've met her, and if anything positive ever comes out of her mouth, there is a take away statement that immediately follows. "Darren is the smartest of all my boys, and the biggest disappointment that he didn't do more with his life." Charming right?  Disapproval, manipulation and guilt. It's also how my father exerted his control over me. These two should meet; the antithesis of unconditional love; I bet neither one was breast fed.

OK, so we could go on with all the poor me crap forever and make excuse after excuse but the point is, who cares. Lets get on with changing this. Because it sucks.

I am going to link some EFT in here, because of you noticed in any of the video's I've posted or in my scripts I often ask you to stop and pause on "the first time in your life you may have had a similar experience, or felt that way before." Recalling or connecting to that inner child is a great opportunity to tap through some of the older memories. The deeper we can access the old patterns of beliefs, the more powerful the clearing.

Aside from the tapping I am going to deploy a law of attraction technique that right now, is making my stomach turn at the prospect of doing it. I am really pissed off right now. So pissed off in fact, that I have a running monologue as I am driving, working, eating, writing, that is a continuous steam of venom at Darren and the injustices of his behavior.

Today's test of metal, is to find 10 things about him I appreciate. {I just barfed in my mouth typing this} I encourage you, to think of something, person, situation that is dominating your thoughts in a negative way and flip it on its head.


10: He has a great ass. (phew, OK I got one)
9: I loved that he was always really affectionate and a death grip spooner
8: I loved that he always wanted to do things together. That made me feel wanted and loved.
7: He let me teach him to ski, he never whined, he always kept up even though I almost killed him in a tree well one day.
6: I loved that he was always up for any activity, just so he could be with me. Including a 3 hour Kundilini Yoga workshop I took him to... and he fully got into it! Chanting and swaying like the ocean... it was awesome.
5: I love that he is a good dad and loves to have kids and their friends around and never gets irritated like my dad would.
4: I love that he was always laid back, and we had the same rhythms. We just enjoyed being together, sleeping in, going for bike rides things like that.
3: I loved that he wanted a family, and more children, with me.
2: That he loved making huge pancake breakfasts on the weekends.
1: I am grateful that he gave me the chance to be a mommy again, and I hope our son has Darren's smarts, and athletic build and my creativity and his blue eyes, and my thick hair... and my nose and ears.  (because his are big:)

If only we could blend the aspects of our relationship like that. We would be perfect.

1.a  I loved that he would listen to me rattle on, tell my long winded stories and also had a open and curious mind about my philosophical ideas.
1.b I loved that he would pull out his Ipad at bed time and want to listen to Abraham-Hicks and other new thought teachers that I turned him on to, and then would be snoring in seconds.

OK, I think I did pretty good. I can say I don't feel angry anymore, just sad. Crap.

Here is an awesome Abraham-Hicks clip on other peoples negativity and reacting to it:

Saturday, February 23, 2013

Day 9 Daily intention

Just a quick post which I will add more detail to as I am taking a reiki level one this weekend with the awesome Tina Theopanous.

I am just going to share with you my morning law of attraction routine just working with issues that are coming up for me.

So every morning I am making a point of turning inward and just meditating on my breath. All that does is help to increase connection to intuition and quiet the mind, that's where ideas inspiration and knowing are allowed to flow... In the gaps between thoughts.
Wayne Dyer "Getting in the Gap" is an awesome Cd and book for learning basic meditation and accessing the gap between thoughts.

Also I am doing daily tapping.
Right now for me, letting go of my relationship outcome is still a really emotional point for me so I am tapping every day like this:
Even though I am really sad. And really frustrated. And I miss Darren and feel so out hurt by his rejection. I deeply love and forgive myself, and I am choosing to trust that the universe will deliver me, and heal this issues in perfect time.

Then tap only on the negative all points ...

Deep breath and tap all points on the positive.

I am going to do a variation of this ever day until this situation or at least my emotions around it are resolved ...

For today I am trusting that my angels and guides are working around the clock to heal this situation and that all is well and will be done for my highest best good of myself and my baby. And so it is.

If you want love, notice and appreciate loving couple...

Money, notice
prosperity all around you...

Have a magical day and practice looking for that which you are wanting to see in YOUR life!

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Day 8 Navigating Intention and confliction

Sometimes this shit gets tricky.
Yesterday I wrote an empowering post regarding my new found clarity and letting go of my relationship and surrendering to the fact that I just can't control this situation, and what the feck, I'm probably better off with out the jerk father of my unborn child... and I can create this new awesome version of my life on my own, manifesting everything I need and aren't I fecking awesome and inspiring!

And so, the universe and law of attraction responds.. as it always does, that yes, I CAN do this...
But there is a rub in there.. be careful what you wish for.

So yesterday I get a message from a beautiful new mother, whom I have never met; who read my blog and took pity on me, and graciously and generously offered to give me 2 whole boxes of super awesome boy clothes for the first 0-6  months! I will need to buy nothing! Yay!! And so I go over to her place to pick them up and coo at her new baby, and she says "by the way, I read that you wanted to do hypno-birthing.. well I have the home study version, you can use it." I was stunned. What are the odds, that I would just one day ago, come to terms with the fact that Darren was not going to show up for hypno-babies class that I had deliberately registered for 5 minutes from our his house, but and had just been sent my deposit back, {because I basically called the educator and tearfully told her I was just not ready to sit in a roomful of happy expectant hypno-couples, as a single.} And presto bingo, I have the home study kit to do it myself. Well, I am so happy I just want to shit.  Only I don't.

Again, the glaring truth of my reality hits. We tried for 18 months to conceive this baby, and I have these dreams of a beautiful and intimate birth experience with the man I created this life with, and he isn't wanting to be there. Or he is just too hurt and mad at me to even process whats happened, or he has run off with someone new... I have no fecking idea, but my hunch is that its door number two. And so  I feel completely conflicted. There is a part of me, that doesn't want to let go of the possibility that I could manifest a complete transformation of my relationship with him and have the love and the birth of our son that my heart is longing for; if I just shift something in me. It's so easy, when there is no one else who needs to be a match to the experience I am wanting. How do I hold two conflicting intentions in my vibration. How do I turn away from something I really really want and start to get into alignment with my second choice reality. It's a conundrum.

I want healing and transformation for Darren, me and our relationship. I don't want a life on my own. I want my own life, and to be me, and to feel free and empowered within my relationship, but his expectations of me had me feeling the opposite. I want him to see me and love everything about me.
And want me to be happy, and fulfilled and for him to take care of me and our child the way a man should, when I need it, and be my biggest chearleader me when I don't.

"Do you seek rule, supremacy, and sway when you are bound to serve, love and obey?"- Shakespeare
That is a heavy and poignant questions; to blend the two would be powerful, and empowering.
As a couple, we would rule supreme.

So here is my plan of attraction on this subject:

And listen to this video from Abraham-Hicks on fighting in relationships, I love this shit:
Alex this ones for you ;)

I will be the woman in that relationship now. Empowered, clear, fulfilled or out of that relationship is irrelevant to the laws of attraction. I am going to feel the way I want to feel in the relationship now and the relationship and he, will line up, or something or someone else will. I will never manifest the relationship I want, focused on the lack of it, or his inadequacy. I will to go to bed every night and image what it would feel like to be in the relationship that I know is possible for us. I can only hold a vision of the version of him I would like to have in my life. AND I am still totally in alignment with my perfect home, and moving back to the city and having more than enough income, I will just get more general in the details..and I dont have to fear about one canceling out the other, because the universe will align for me the best possible outcome.
 It's trickery, I know. But its worth a shot.

{Going general on something that is a hot topic is a really powerful way to bring yourself back into alignment, so I will go into that more later, with the help of Ester and Abraham I am sure.}

So, the strategy...because I have lots of moments where I am still too mad and sad, and I have to clear the wanting of the relationship I don't have. Its not enough to will myself, my subconcious has to have some buy-in...I'm going to tap (EFT) daily for several rounds a day with this:

Set up on karate chop point:

Even though I am not a vibrational match to the relationship I am wanting and I feel really sad that I am separated from the one I am wanting, I deeply love and forgive myself and him.

Tap on all points: I feel really sad that I am separated from the relationship I want, and the love I know is possible for me. I am really hurt and angry that Darren is not lining up vibrationally with my perfect match right now, I really want him to. I want him to love me the way I know I deserve to me loved. It really pisses me off that he doesn't see me in the way I want him to, or value me in the way I want him to. (Tapping several rounds here) And that he is not here in my life, sharing our pregnancy.

(Deep breath)

Karate chop point:

Even though we are clearly not in a vibrational match right now, I love and forgive myself. And I love and forgive him and am choosing to only think of him in my highest most awesome version of him I can. I send him the highest love, light and hope for us.

All points:

 I know we both deserve the highest version of love available and all I have to do is get myself to align with it. I cant change his alignment but I can change mine. I am choosing to believe that miracles are possible that the healing and vibration shift our love needs to grow, is done and waiting for me to line up with it. I am holding the perfect vision of a perfect birth and that our baby will bring us closer together than ever before.

Here is my friend Krista-Jane empowerment and transformation guru from down under; giving a demonstration on tapping

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

How I manifested some cool stuff…

I got happy.

I basically went on a mission, to brainwash myself out of any negative thinking or feelings of anxiety. I had been given an insight by a spiritual teacher, who channeled a personal message to me. He said “lessons in trust; change the thoughts, change the reality.” Sounds kind of vague, I know. But it’s not. What’s interesting about the way “hear” things when have been asking for answers versus when someone just handing out unsolicited advice, or some random crap I read in a blog; just for instance…. Is that I hear it, and immediately get it, and have an uncontrollable compulsion to apply it to my life. This struck me as more than an abstract concept. I was going to get to work on changing my thoughts. Then it occurred to me…36 years of thought patterns and perception of what my reality is needed to be undone. I thought, what I think about my life and state of the union had been brainwashed into me, and I am going to brainwash myself out of believing any of it.

It sounds insane, and I don’t know how else to describe my thought process, but it was as if a light bulb went on and I had a glimpse of my potential to free my mind from the confines of what I was “perceiving” my physical 3 D reality to be. I was going to hurl myself into a state of denial. Anything that wasn’t feeling good, looking good or going good, I was just going to turn my cheek the other way and make up a new story. Anything that needed immediate attention and I just didn’t have a solution for, I was going to hand over to the universe to solve and not worry about it. I bought myself a pass to the Scandinavian spa, and spent as much time as I could, in a complete state relaxation, in nature and cedar sauna contemplation and I fantasized about a life that didn’t exist. I began listening to Abraham-Hicks and positive mind movies from youtube incessantly on my iPhone. I read books, downloaded audio books and literally went on a positive affirmation rampage. Below I will share with you a couple of my favorite “mind movies” to get you going. I highly recommend that you go on you tube, on any subject matter you would like to see in your reality and watch and listen to 10 minute clips on the subject. But the most important part of the exercise is to pretend like you are actually experiencing what it is you are wanting. I would sit in the hot tub at the Scandinavian and design my dream home. I would imagine walking in the door, the decor the rugs; the living breathing day to day life there… let me tell you, it’s the bomb. Sadly, I stopped doing it too soon. I got distracted and haven’t yet manifested it, but I was starting to get some pretty freaky feedback from the universe that told me it was possible and all I needed to do was stay happy and in the flow of life. I will share more on those crazy signs, and some real awesome, last minute miracles that will shock and amaze you; later.

Now, I get not everyone has the luxury of spending several hours a week in an outdoor bath house to help really clear the mind, but you have to realize that years and years of perceived reality, naysayers and painful experiences isn’t going to switch over to happy thoughts without some effort; and I guess that’s why I labeled my transformational work as “brainwashing” because that it the degree of attention I will willing to give it. I had an amazing minister in the new age church I used to go who always said “…you want to heal your money, your relationships, and your disease people? Get to work on them! Get in the flow of the creative process and quit hiding out here in church!” he was awesome. You have to get to work on it. And I am getting back to work on it too.
This is a great clip by Abraham-Hick, she is a channel for a collective consciousness called Abraham and her teachings are responsible for the movie The Secret
Get Happy
Find a way to feel good

Day 7 Clarity..

What’s amazing to me is that after only 6 days of blogging, I am feeling better more often that I am feeling bad. It’s true what I said about emotions, if something feels good, do it. That good feeling is the universe, or your higher self or God or whatever, affirming that what you are doing is in alignment with who you are and what you desire. Even though, scarcely a single sole has read my blog and apparently nobody is following me, I feel quite satisfied. So satisfied in fact that I might dare to say I am ready, possibly to start declaring one or two thoughts about what I would like to see unfolding, or be experiencing in my reality 54 days from now. That would put me at April 20, 2013.

I will start with the vision of hope I received during my Yoga class the other day, my bottom day.  It was a vision of a beautiful space for my 2 sons and me and the pug and more than enough money coming in monthly to cover everything, while I cared for my boys and continued with my creative projects.

 I love my home in Whistler, with my friend Stephanie and her son Zack, and I feel loved and cared for. I also love the lifestyle here, teaching skiing and living in the mountains and the lakes but something tells me I will be back in the city by the end of March. So, my first intention for these 60 days of attraction is that I will manifest a beautiful apartment, with lots of space, close to nature for me and my 2 sons; one new born and one, nearly a man of 17. I will also have more than enough income to afford the ideal place with ease.

As I lay in bed last night, I dared to dream an even more outlandish dream; that I would be able to buy a place of my own. I have no idea how that might happen; even if I received a windfall, I am not too mortgage-able. But I’m putting that out there anyhow. Just to raise the stakes.

I am reminded of another time in my life where I was in a situation when I had no idea how I was going to make a home for Shawn and I, which I would feel good about and that was within my budget. It was back in 2010, and I had a similar period of uncertainty.  Whistler was home to the Olympic winter games that year and the event had wreaked havoc on a lot of local business, mine being one.  I decided to lease out my business space over about 2 months around the games instead of trying to operate. It was a good choice, but there were still challenges. I decided I was going to use that 2 month time span to dig deep into some self-work. I had burning questions about my inability to create stability or sustainability in my life both monetarily and in relationships. I had been chronically single and broke for at least 12 years, as I raised my son on my own and struggled. I was ready for some answers, and as they say, when you are ready they will come.

I had been already a big fan and follower of The Secret and the Teachings of Abraham-Hicks. But intuitively I knew that there were some beliefs that needed clearing before real change would occur. I had inner child work to do. Ick. I knew this meant visiting some potentially painful memories, but I was ready. {I will get into that work later} Over the course of the following few months and endless agonizing over that move to the city, it was these principles and tools I will share with you that spontaneously manifested {among several other shocking miracles} a phone call from a friend with a beautiful furnished with east meets west coast apartment, 2 bed 2 bath and gorgeous views and they wanted me look after it while they moved to Panama… gee, if you really need me to. Oh you’ll subsidize the rent too? Hhhhmmmmm OK. So, I have faith that I can do it again, and that will be one of my linking examples when I get more into tapping with EFT on the matter. So starting tomorrow, I will begin to unveil my plan of ATTRACTION

Monday, February 18, 2013

This Blog is not titled "Skipping through the tulips..."

This blog is Titled 60 Days of attraction "test of metal"
I understand that this content and the irreverence of my self analysis may not be to every ones taste, but there is a point, beyond a forum for my own personal pity party.

One of the reasons I have chosen to share all of my deep dark thoughts, is to allow you to see into my heart, and connect in a way that is deeply personal. Not so that well meaning people who love me will freak out and come to my rescue as if I need rescuing. I'm a tough nut, thanks... look at what I am doing here...blogging publicly about my deeply personal trauma requires some serious ovaries...hello?!

That being said, this journey will not resonate with everyone, it will resonate (hopefully) however, with those who might be feeling some of the same things. I am not a suicidal maniac, although there are days I resemble one, so please don't fret if I indulge my lower self emotions, what are you so afraid of anyhow? I'll tell ya...

There is an overwhelming tendency for us to suppress our feelings for the very reasons that I am getting some concerned reactions to mine, and this blog.

There is a disease we are all suffering from, and its called denial. Denial of our authentic self. Denial causes us to suppress our true nature so that everyone around us can feel OK.

Your emotions are your own personal guidance system that are working in perfect order to show you the way to the light and the path of your highest potential. Your guidance system has been divinely designed to make you feel crappy when you are out of alignment, in your thinking, or actions or with who you are. We are plagued by this need to control or worse, suppress our emotions and or save and console others out of theirs. "There, there" we say, "I'll make you some tea, now pull up your boot straps and get on with it."

We never learn to listen or to create healthy ways to console ourselves, which leaves us needy and co-dependant. It has also caused the most stone dead society of drones in meat suits whom are completely out of touch of what the universe is calling them to; love, expansion, abundance, joy, bliss, true self...emotions are not to be feared, or repressed or fixed or cured or medicated; they are the cure, out of this unconsciousness. Emotions won't paralyze you, if you honor them for what they are telling you; talk to me... I'm listening, I want to hear it all. And then, get busy feeling and soothing your way into your new and better feeling reality. Clear them, and it will bring a clarity the likes of which will manifest miracles.

I feel grateful right now, because this post has helped me to see that I was so attached to pleasing everyone around me; I was resisting listening to my feelings, needs and desires. I was so attached to my man, and dreams of what I thought our life was going to be I didn't give myself, nor did I have permission to explore how I could honor my needs within the relationship. My partner could see the signs of my unhappiness and was so fearful of losing what images of us he was attached to, and attempted to guilt and shame me instead of listen and explore and allow. Needless to say that no growth or transformation was possible. A powerful love was lost because of fear, and the resentment, stress and bitterness drained me of all of my creative juices and the compassion out of the relationship. Fear of, and repression of emotions is a real buzz kill.

Many blessing and much love to all my concerned friends, I'll be ok xoxo and I feel your love ;)

Day 5 Mornings suck

I would like to wake up, just one morning and not feel sad. Not want to stay under the covers and cry for the greater part of a day. There has not been one morning in 2 months I haven't had to cold compress the swelling out of my face, just the get the mascara on. This sucks.

The fact is, there is nothing I can do. I will be done my grief, when I am done my grief. I can't determine how long that will take, but I know that the worst thing I can do for my grief is try to fight it. It is what it is, and it's part of the healing process. Resistance is futile.

 It's also a golden opportunity for me to learn to self regulate, to self-sooth back to better feeling thoughts, not allowing them to become overwhelming through resistance. Thoughts; like the breath, come and go, and they come and they go and they come and they go...allowing me take my attention off the feelings for a moment. The memories of almost every morning for 2 years my love held me close feel were the  happiest times of my life, and I thought I would wake up beside him for all the days of my life.  I don't think think either of us got to work on time for the first year of our relationship. Mornings were our most intimate a and connected part of the day. I wake up every morning and like a bad dream, realize he isn't there, he will never be there.

 Learning to turn my attention away from my thoughts and bring it to my breath for a few moments brings relief. The feelings flow without the attachment to the thoughts, the memories and the bits I just cant control or change. Learning to take responsibility for my thoughts is the key to getting in the flow of the creative process and let go. I can't try to run from them, but I do notice, if I allow the feelings to come, it isn't long before my mind starts to sooth my heart. Thoughts of hope, and reassurance start to creep in. "This too will pass, Adrienne."
Until then, I will just keep breathing.

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Day 4 Starting from where you are at...

Implementing conscious co-creation is a subtle art. I believe most people get into the principles of creation with an unrealistic set of expectations; that they can flip an idea on its head and create miracles with a few good daily affirmations and a vision board.  Those things are great but we really need to crawl before we walk, then run. You have to start from where you are at, and subtly move up the scale of feeling better and better in incremental proportion. One cannot go from despair to bliss in one fell swoop. Your subconscious mind is no dummy. It takes one look around your reality, checks in with how you really feel, and calls bullshit. This is one of the reasons why as of yet, I have not even set any sights on manifesting anything. The fact is, I have been in such a funk, the prospect of starting to vision, dream, or hope is just a foggy concept. The biggest manifestation I can seek to achieve from where I am is for me to be able to let go; even that can seems insurmountable. All I can hope for, or seek right now, is relief.

Yesterday was a painful day. The funny thing about pain; it is a powerful motivator. Sitting in any kind of pain causes us to seek relief, quick, like as in; get me the hell outta here! This is a magical place actually; this is where hope is born. This is the “asking” part of law of attraction. The asking for what it is you do want; happens all on its own, and like all good questions; if you tune yourself to the frequency of answers, the answers will come.  This is where self-care becomes a vital part of co-creation.  Self-care started for me today, by making some decisions.

I had planned to drive into the city and spend time with my friend Jane, who (because she is just the best friend ever) had gleefully agreed to be my birth partner and attend my hypno-birthing classes which was to be starting today. I was going to drive down to her place, have dinner, some laughs.  I was also convinced that I needed to “get some things” from my house, where my ex lives, and I don’t; anymore. One of the reasons I signed up for classes in the city, {besides being very interested in experiencing a pain free baby delivery} was that I was still hanging onto the hope that Darren was going to be there for me; that this would give us a focus and a chance to reconnect, and for him to connect with his unborn child, without the focus being on our issues. All road signs were glaring that this just was not going to happen. {Hence my bottom dropping day}

When you realize that the man you love is not going to show up for you, and his unborn child; because he has “enough to deal with” the pain in incredible; and that in turn, sends a rocket of desire launching into my immediate future that says “Make it stop!” This was the turning point, and it’s all up from there. It was time to let go. I woke up this morning, still in a fog of grief and a relatively restless night and I immediately began to question; given my realization, what choices could I make today that would be the best feeling choices? And keep me out of more harm’s way. I started to question the needs that I was attached to. Did I need to go to the city? To drive past the street I once lived on? Did I need to get those things I think I need from the house? And what would be the cost to my wellbeing and self-care.

The answers come by way of a quiet still knowing, these are the voices that we tend to muffle when we are busy trying to please or control others. Listening to self has no ego. Listening to self puts your boat back in the stream and casts it into the current of co-creation. As soon as I listened to that voice I started to feel relief.  The voice said; “really??  Do you really think it’s going to feel good to sit in a roomful of happy expectant couples while you watch the door, praying that he will show? I think not.” In fact I can just see myself collapsing into a puddle in the middle of class and needing to be carted away by white jackets.  Then it said “Do you really want to show up on his doorstep, walk into the home that you have just come to conclusion; you will never live in, or with him again? Tearfully pack a bag, search for T-shirts, socks, books and do it with some composure? Not likely.” Step number one in self-care, recognize when something doesn’t feel good, then don’t do it, even if {especially if} you are afraid you might lose the one last chance you have to retrieve what seems lost. Let it go. A great teacher once said to me, “what’s for you won’t pass by you.” Part of letting go, is trusting that this is true.

And from there, some small shifts began to occur. I decided to take my sad, sorry ass to yoga, listening that loving voice, I skipped an invite to a greasy breakfast. As I began my meditation, images began to crystalize that hadn’t been there before. Images of a future; where I had more than enough to support my 2 sons, a beautiful apartment for us, and the pug, and a new vehicle that was suitable for an infant.

For the first time, a life without my man, felt ok. I was free to pursue my passion of being a writer and a world traveller and spiritual teacher and I felt independent and hopeful about my future. And I knew the law of attraction was activating a future for me that already existed.  All I have to do is keep reaching for relief, and basking in the picture of me living in that reality, and align myself with wellbeing one little decision at a time.

Saturday, February 16, 2013

Day 3 Hitting bottom...

Hitting Bottom.

How do you know when you've really hit bottom?
For me bottom feels like a big sobbing pit of despair. Throw in a whole lot of anger, some self pity lots of crying; interlaced with thoughts of vengeance...and by vengeance I mean ...Maybe I will drive my car off the road and that will teach them. Then they will suffer with guilt and grief for the rest of their miserable lives.... that sort of vengeance.

Bottom makes you do and think things you wouldn't normally; like lash out at people you love. It causes the kind of poor judgement that can make things worse; as if they could get any worse, and it can get worse. This is not a place you want to hang out in too long.

I woke up this morning to another nice retaliatory email from my estranged partner. There was one glaring statement that seemed to have triggered my spiral to the bottom. For months, I have been beating my head against the wall, and by wall I mean his arsenal of passive aggressive, evasive, manipulative, underhanded, invalidation, guilt trips; and other weapons of physiological destruction that have kept any prospect of mature conflict resolution, also known as; hope of our reconciliation, in the far reaching cosmos of Neverland.

What I have realized is that dealing with a narcissistic, passive aggressive, hurt, self-obsessed male, is a bit akin to negotiating with a 4 year old in mid tantrum, or Hitler; same, same. They don't want to play. They will do and say anything to hurt you; with the deliberate intent to see you unravel into a fury so that they can say "see??  you're crazy...!"

The comment; benign as it may seem, was this: "I have enough to deal with." This statement was preceded by a whole string of self pity and accusations of my neglect of his needs and ultimate rejection of me and wanting to work things out. Those things also sent a whole stream of fire balls through my veins however, I knew there was a deep chord being struck with aforementioned statement that was different. This cruel comment triggered so much hurt and abandonment that I felt desperate and compelled to lash out. I turned my sights on my mother, who I have also been feeling quite abandoned by during this whole break up; a guilt ridden text was sent, and subsequently forwarded to my brother who then proceeded to respond to me; on my mothers behalf with a string of profanity, insults and ultimate disownment by the family. The next 2 hours were spent crying in a public bathroom stall with thoughts of vengeance running through my mind...see how quickly this can get worse?
I digress...

Its important to notice when something strikes a deep chord. Usually its an indicator that there is more there than just a reflection of this one situation; perhaps it indicates an opportunity to clear some deep albeit probably painful memories or beliefs. You want to jot those things down, the things or words or situations that really hurt and have a strange familiarity.

You are probably asking yourself  "why in the hell would I want to jot that down? Aren't we doing law of attraction here; positive thinking and all that? In fact, this chick is getting kind of depressing." Bare with me; we are, but here is where it gets tricky. Deep in the subconscious mind is carried all of your past experiences and feelings that are linked to memories. When a trauma occurs and we are sent into a state of fight/flight/or flee and small vortex or block is created within your energy field; caused by that state of resistance. Every time a similar event or feeling is triggered, the vortex gains power. Part of creating sustainable success with law of attraction, is clearing as many of those traumas as we can. Because attraction is always working, be it pain or joy that you are attracting. Whatever is vibrating the loudest and largest in your fields is attracting more of the same into your experience. Scary huh?

So, when these situations keep coming up and familiar and unpleasant feelings are triggered, it indicates that there is a program running that you are going to want to clear. Most of my male relationships (the big ones anyhow) have had this theme of total invalidation of who I am. I don't feel worthy of being loved and I will beg,  plead, kick, yell or scream to be heard, loved and validated. These sorts of behaviors often bring about an end to the relationship and my unworthiness is then reinforced. It's awesome. I completely give up my power." Love me! Love me! I'm a good girl! Look at everything I can do for you!"  This quickly turns into me getting resentful as I am looking outside for what I should be giving myself from inside. Within all of my efforts to please, there is a need and an expectation for approval; expectations BTW are the number one cause of disappointment. {I'm sure that's a real statistic}

Moving into more positive territory...I have noticed, that when I hit bottom, I simultaneously get the sense that I am on the cusp of something good. With every horrible feeling or experience, its equal and opposite; the desired experience is being hatched; from what you don't want, you are formulating and recalibrating your point of attraction in the direction of what is you do want. "My boyfriend is a selfish ass who doesn't love or appreciate me the way I want to be loved and appreciated" This thought sends a rocket of desire into your future of a loving and appreciative relationship. This is how the "asking" actually happens in the theories of law of attraction. So take comfort, that from every crappy experience, there is an asking that is happening for what it is you do want, and you don't even have to do it deliberately; although I do recommend that you turn your frequency to notice it as often as you can. The feeling I am referring to, is also known as "hope".

{If you are doing the L.O.A. test of metal with me, its time to get out a journal; you will need it for the next 60 days.}

Now I am going to tap this out... out of my experience all together! (this may take a few sessions)
Please watch this youtube EFT tutorial if you don't know what tapping is. It kind of sucks (because I didn't do it myself) but I will post a better one soon.

Using ETF I will create my set up statement:

Tapping on karate chop point: Even though, I feel awful. The man I love, really hurt me. His comments brought up painful feelings of abandonment for me. I feel totally snubbed and unloved, and irrelevant. It feels awful but I am choosing to deeply love and forgive myself now.

(A lot of tappers use "love accept myself" but I am working with "forgive myself, based on the Hawaii prayer "Ho'ono'pono'pono" which is having us recognize that we are 100% responsible for our reality and everything in it.)

Tapping through the issue on all points:

 I want to feel loved, and valued and instead I am feeling like shit. Why don't the men I love, love me? I feel less than nothing to him and it really hurts. He has enough to deal with?? really?? Our unborn child and me aren't worth his time?? There are more important things that to deal with us?? I am so hurt. I feel so ripped off and sad and angry that as usual I am the last thing he cares about.

(The idea here is to let the feeling come through, allow them to flow and validate them by saying them out loud, conjuring up your deepest painful emotions to free them, and you of them once and for all)

Hopefully by now you are crying. (I know I am) I want you to stay with the tapping until the emotions decrease in intensity. From a scale of 1 - 10, we want to get you down to at least a two or three.

Then you are ready for the new belief...

Take a deep breath and stay turned inward. Ask yourself : when was the first time you felt this way?
Just allow your mind to carry you to another situation, in early years, or adolescence when you felt the same way. WRITE IT DOWN. The memory, what happened, how you felt, your age etc... we will use it later when we get into some inner child rescues. If the picture is clear and strong, have a chat with that version of you, tell her everything is OK, and she is loved. It can't hurt.

Tapping in the new beliefs:

Starting on the karate chop: Even though I feel really shit, and I am hurt and Darren is an asshole and the men I love are always invalidating me and making me like shit about myself, I know its a lie. A lie to cover up for the fact they are big scared weak pussies; so I am going to love and accept myself even if they don't! (that feels good)

Tapping all points:
I am worthy of love, and somewhere out there is a man who is worthy of me. I just haven't met him.
He would have to be pretty amazing to be worthy of me, and that's why these weak men in my life cant get the job done. They are not worthy of me! I am lovable and beautiful and know that one day, I will attract to me the love I have been searching for. I am getting ready. I am doing my work and getting ready for that. And it will be spectacular. I will feel free, and fulfilled and have joy and abundance in that relationship. So, until then, I will love myself, honor myself and obey MYSELF!

Feels better already.... I'll do that a few more times and make you a video ;)

Friday, February 15, 2013

Day 2 Where the hell am I and how did I get here?

In order to get where you want to go, you have to know where you are at.

Lets take a quick and slightly humbling glance at my current position, otherwise know as my “point of attraction.” This is my point of attraction, because somewhere in the confines of my pesky subconscious, I have attracted to me these circumstances; I am living the reality of past thoughts and feelings, and even worse; subconcious beliefs. The good news is, my point of power is here and now, and I have the power to shift my tomorrow; even if today is totally sucking.

It's Valentines Day; I am in my room alone, typing, and intermittently grabbing handfuls of Rocky Mountain maple walnut candied popcorn. I am renting a room from my dear friend Princess Stephanie after a painful breakup. I am also 23 weeks pregnant. I left my now Ex on Christmas eve and haven’t seen him since. He has never felt his child kick in my belly, nor even attempted to bring me home. {Excuse me while I stuff another handful of Rocky Pop down my throat to stifle the tears}

Lets look at my finances and career {I’m so excited} I’m broke. I have a 1989 Jeep wrangler that is totally unsuitable for an infant, and probably more than $50,000 in debt once CRA (or IRS to you Americans) does my final assessment of my business taxes. On the plus side, I only own a car and that’s pretty much worthless and so there is nothing “the man” can foreclose on or seize. Yay! {more popcorn please}

Let's look at some more positives.... and....moving on.

Just kidding, there are some. First off; I have nothing to lose. The world is open and I can create my reality any I want; I don’t have a home, or mortgage, or job that I hate; that I feel obligated to show up at because I spent 6 years and $60,000 at university to get it. My eldest is 17 and almost on his own way; he is safe and with my mother who spoils him rotten, {whilst I am getting myself sorted} and he loves me; I kind of like him too.

It's really important {particularly when you are trying to demonstrate good law of attraction examples} to count your blessings.. as Abraham-Hicks says “Look for things to appreciate, and take your attention off of that which you are resisting, or not wanting.” Sounds delusional right? But its not. Noticing what you want more of, more often than noticing what you want less of, is all you need to do get the ball moving and the brain tuned to a higher frequency.

And so; affirmation for today: Even though I feel sad, and I wish the man I loved was loving me, and I wish I had more money in the bank. I choose to love and accept myself for where I am. And I trust that no matter where I put my boat in the water, everything I desire is downstream from where I am now. All I have to do is put my boat in that water. I don’t even need to paddle, in fact I know that the stream knows the fastest and easiest currents with which to travel. So I can let go of the oars. And when all else fails, there is always a handful of Maple Rocky Pop.

As an exercise for you, if you are reading this and would like to test your attraction metal.

Notice something in your life that just plain sucks. A pattern that keeps occurring or a situation that feels overwhelming. Write it down on a piece of paper.

This debt...

This relationship...

This persons..

This illness...

This sadness...

Take a look at it and say... Even though I have/feel/experience “this”and it sucks! I am choosing to release this, and look for that which I am wanting to experience in my life. Name the things you want to experience and say “and I love and accept myself for exactly where I am, even when it sucks.”

Or you could be more specific than “things suck” whatever works for you.... its the feeling that counts the most.

And below I will demonstrate for you a powerful tool called EFT with which you can deploy and “tap” through the negative feelings and tap in the positive. It really works!

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Day 1 Come to my seminar... you too, can have beautiful lady!

As I sit here at my computer and start the process of creating what I hope will be my very own personal development and creative process workshop; I could not be in a worse place. Believe me the irony is not lost on me. I am a complete hypocrite; actually, at least that’s how it feels to me right now. Without digressing too too much, let me give you an overview. I have just left the 5th teary and pathetic voice message and at least 15th, angry/teary/pathetic email in a the past week; to my beloved, father of my unborn child; whom seems to have completely shut me out of existence.

The past year has seen my family, my ambition, my life and my love spiral into oblivion before my eyes and I was; it seemed, powerless to stop it.

How could this be happening to me? In 2010 I diligently, deliberately and consciously attracted to me the relationship I had always wanted; with a family man who loved me like no tomorrow. I had a business I created, but admittedly was no longer enamoured with; and I was taking steps to move away from the business and pursue more fulfilling work in personal and spiritual development. How can I sit here, and plunk away a process for overcoming emotional beliefs and removing blocks; in order to manifest ones dreams, when I am sitting on a dung heap of my own creation?

Kids, life ain’t easy. It’s an evolution and a process. Every horse has his day and then he becomes dog food. OK, that’s morbid, but my point is, nothing is ever static. We have to engage in the co-creator process, rolling with the punches and letting go, letting go, letting go of any delusions that we can maintain any sense of control over our experiences. We have choices; like how we choose to feel about our experiences, but we have no control over them. We live in a dichotomy. There is polarity in everything we engage in; but we are in co-creation, and there will always be concious and deliberate participation required, in order get optimal results out of this life experience.

And so, I sat here for a for quite a time; deliberating how I was going to teach the tools {and by "deliberating" I mean spin my story so I look like I got it all together and nobody would ever know about my dung heap situation} without being a complete fraud. Suddenly the thought occurred to me. Don’t. Be real. Did I think I was the only one climbing out of a hole? I think not. I am going to pull myself out of this dung heap and get back on the horse. {I have no clue where these horse references are coming from but we are going with it} And lucky you, you get to ride along with me.

We are going to journey together. As I develop my workshop series for you, I am going to blog the tools and techniques that will be part of this workshop and you will get to witness the whole thing going down. Not just witness, but participate. Only you won’t be the lamb to the slaughter; I will do that, but you will be encouraged to join in, interact and share. It’s the law of attraction test of metal.
Hopefully it will be followed by a viral like response to the format and the teachings, hopefully we will also see a few miracles to attest to the fact that this stuff works and a whole lot of feel -good inspiration for you, or at least a good laugh at my willingness to completely expose myself. Like any hero’s journey, you have to start with where you are at. This leads me to part one of my processes.
 Where the hell am I, and how did I get here?