Thursday, February 28, 2013

Day 14 Chanting and Blogging

Chanting and blogging; this is what my morning routine has come to. I realized just how absurd it all sounds when my roomie asked what my plans were over tea and toast; and I said it out loud. It immediately had us bust out laughing hysterically. I don't care, its working for me.

I have been pondering the Einstein quote "you cannot solve a problem on the level it exists" and I truly believe this. Physical reality problems such as health and money can be "treated" on the same level, but rarely cured. Ill health is caused by emotional disturbance, and money is all about beliefs, thoughts and attitude towards the having or lack of it. You drop man who knows only wealth in a strange city with nothing but the shirt on his back and within 2 years he will be wealthy, or at least on his way. Same goes for someone who knows only poverty, they can win a lottery that would set them up for life, and if they are out of vibration with abundance, they will be broke within a couple of years.

It got me thinking about my own situation and what needs to be healed. What caused the conflict in my relationship that led to the heartbreaking end of a powerful love? A year was spent fighting over issues that were just symptoms of fears and beliefs that had nothing to do with the other person or the argument itself.

Set up up for disaster:
Me: I have major worthiness issues. I was raised with a grumpy, controlling, critical father who never understood his emotional creative daughter. I desperately wanted his approval, and rarely got it.
Darren: Also, critical overbearing parents, who deployed good old catholic guilt and set expectations that could rarely be lived up to because the bar was always being raised or moved and accomplishments belittled or overshadowed by some other non-achievement.

So Darren goes through a marriage with real controlling and manipulative woman, like his mother; who ends up betraying him. This experience causes him to send a rocket of desire into his future for a woman who is vulnerable and emotional and loving and wants to be a family. Be careful what you wish for.

Unfortunately, as it had been only a few short months after his separation; he hasn't quite cleared the trauma and doesn't quite trust himself that this kind of love is possible, and if it is, does he deserve it?

That distrust is projected onto poor little me, who of course has this "un-worthiness vibration" down pat and is just eager to find a man that she has to "prove herself" to.

The whole relationship starts out blissful, but the red flags are there. I am madly jumping through hoops, neglecting my life, business and better judgement trying to being super-girlfriend, super-step mom and trying to make up for his ex's bitchdom and I remember how Darren would look at me, raise his eyebrows and say "are you sure you want this?"
Imagine, going to a job, where are killing yourself to impress and your boss says "um, are you sure want this job?" If feels a little undermining.

Or instead of saying "I am in love with you" He would say "I hate you, I hate you more and more every day" and he did it in such a cute way that I knew what he was saying, but you see how powerful words are..and it was a cover for his heart, so he wouldn't have to be vulnerable; and let me tell you it stopped being cute real quick and started to trigger my insecurities. Or he would say "who are you?" And so it left me feeling like I had to show him, earn it, get his approval,love,validation and understanding. But as we know, when someone is looking for evidence to support their negativity, that's all they will see, and everything I was trying to do, including standing on my head and singing kumbabya all the live long day was being completely ignored. It becomes so dis-empowering that all my joy and creativity was being drained. And my angry inner 6 year old reactions to his invalidation's were draining his.

So, here he is, bless him; only operating for his own unconscious fears which ignites my own unconscious fears and I begin to push against him and he gets scared and tests me, and he pulls away and tries to guilt and manipulate me into submission which unleashes all my rage at my father, and inevitably sends him out the door, or into the basement at least.. never to be seen or heard from again
And the self fulfilling prophecies are realized and a wake of hurt and destruction is left behind. WTF?
I loved this man, and I could never fully convince him of it, and therefor always felt inadequate. Which turned me into an angry bitch.

We bring these mirrors of ourselves and our deepest fears into our reality for a purpose.
Which is why I am so compelled to forgive all of the painful and hurtful deeds and words.

The other night I got my first voluntary phone call from Darren, wanting to talk.
Maybe the chanting is working I don't know. All I can do is try to get him off the subjects of what it is he thinks I should be doing or have done differently and vice verse, because none of that will ever solve the problem. I couldn't stand on my head in enough ways to make him feel OK with everything that's happened...My only hope is that we can get to a place of enough peace, and let go of the hurt enough to forgive, and to see that healing is always possible when we take responsibility for everything we experience in life, no blame, no exceptions.

No change will ever come through beating the drum of what is... what is, is not the cause or the solution for what is. It is simply the result of what we are holding in our vibration. The solution is to change the vibration on whatever level it exists, be it past events, beliefs, emotional or spiritual or get off the subject all together until you can feel good enough in general to bring what is into a new light.

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