Sunday, February 24, 2013

Day 10 Turning anger into appreciation; is work people...but hey, its only happiness at stake.

I found this blog called "7 Ways You're Giving Up Your Personal Power" I checked off 3 out of 7;
In one day.

I lost the freaking plot again today (and I deeply love and forgive myself.. tap tap tap )
I let this passive aggressive control freak completely unravel me. He knows exactly how to stonewall and manipulate me, until I lose it. All I want is to go and pick up some clothes, because I am getting FAT with HIS CHILD.
I gave up my power, by allowing someone else to manipulate me, and by even engaging in a toxic relationship with a man who thinks its awesome and totally OK to mess with my head and endanger my sanity and thus, the health and well being of his own offspring.
(I am venting a bit here, but I promise to bring this back to constructive law of attraction tools.)

Now I could go on a rampage of resistance, and declare what a total jerk-off he is and I should kick him to the curb and move the hell on, and maybe I will; but we don't always have that luxury. And even if we did, as long as that vibration is there, we will just keep attracting new versions of the same energy... and by energy, I mean jerk-offs.

Sometimes we are just stuck with people; people we work with, family members co-workers, who just know how to push our buttons. It feels like they are "doing to us" when the reality is, they are in our vibration, because we put them there.

How do we get off the ride when we are emotionally and energetically invested? ...And by ride I mean a merry-go-round with some toxic energy sucker who has mommy issues; on a head trip to hell and back.

First of all, and just on a general level...

I have to take responsibility. Ho'ono'pono'pono (Look it up if you haven't heard this Hawaiian prayer)
I have lowered my standards as to how I am willing to feel.
I have taught him, through the course of our relationship that this type of behavior was OK.
Every time he used guilt, disapproval or manipulation to get what he wanted; I would react and immediately defend myself, or bend over backwards or go above and beyond to prove myself to him.
That made him feel loved. It made me resentful. I could see I was being bamboozled but I was powerless to stop because my resistance of it, kept it in my vibration. Hook line and sinker every time.

On a deeper level...

We are holding these patterns in our vibration, because we learned them somewhere. It's how we learned to get our needs met early on, or how we were taught to demonstrate love. I know that's how his mother demonstrated love. because I've met her, and if anything positive ever comes out of her mouth, there is a take away statement that immediately follows. "Darren is the smartest of all my boys, and the biggest disappointment that he didn't do more with his life." Charming right?  Disapproval, manipulation and guilt. It's also how my father exerted his control over me. These two should meet; the antithesis of unconditional love; I bet neither one was breast fed.

OK, so we could go on with all the poor me crap forever and make excuse after excuse but the point is, who cares. Lets get on with changing this. Because it sucks.

I am going to link some EFT in here, because of you noticed in any of the video's I've posted or in my scripts I often ask you to stop and pause on "the first time in your life you may have had a similar experience, or felt that way before." Recalling or connecting to that inner child is a great opportunity to tap through some of the older memories. The deeper we can access the old patterns of beliefs, the more powerful the clearing.

Aside from the tapping I am going to deploy a law of attraction technique that right now, is making my stomach turn at the prospect of doing it. I am really pissed off right now. So pissed off in fact, that I have a running monologue as I am driving, working, eating, writing, that is a continuous steam of venom at Darren and the injustices of his behavior.

Today's test of metal, is to find 10 things about him I appreciate. {I just barfed in my mouth typing this} I encourage you, to think of something, person, situation that is dominating your thoughts in a negative way and flip it on its head.


10: He has a great ass. (phew, OK I got one)
9: I loved that he was always really affectionate and a death grip spooner
8: I loved that he always wanted to do things together. That made me feel wanted and loved.
7: He let me teach him to ski, he never whined, he always kept up even though I almost killed him in a tree well one day.
6: I loved that he was always up for any activity, just so he could be with me. Including a 3 hour Kundilini Yoga workshop I took him to... and he fully got into it! Chanting and swaying like the ocean... it was awesome.
5: I love that he is a good dad and loves to have kids and their friends around and never gets irritated like my dad would.
4: I love that he was always laid back, and we had the same rhythms. We just enjoyed being together, sleeping in, going for bike rides things like that.
3: I loved that he wanted a family, and more children, with me.
2: That he loved making huge pancake breakfasts on the weekends.
1: I am grateful that he gave me the chance to be a mommy again, and I hope our son has Darren's smarts, and athletic build and my creativity and his blue eyes, and my thick hair... and my nose and ears.  (because his are big:)

If only we could blend the aspects of our relationship like that. We would be perfect.

1.a  I loved that he would listen to me rattle on, tell my long winded stories and also had a open and curious mind about my philosophical ideas.
1.b I loved that he would pull out his Ipad at bed time and want to listen to Abraham-Hicks and other new thought teachers that I turned him on to, and then would be snoring in seconds.

OK, I think I did pretty good. I can say I don't feel angry anymore, just sad. Crap.

Here is an awesome Abraham-Hicks clip on other peoples negativity and reacting to it:

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