Sunday, February 17, 2013

Day 4 Starting from where you are at...

Implementing conscious co-creation is a subtle art. I believe most people get into the principles of creation with an unrealistic set of expectations; that they can flip an idea on its head and create miracles with a few good daily affirmations and a vision board.  Those things are great but we really need to crawl before we walk, then run. You have to start from where you are at, and subtly move up the scale of feeling better and better in incremental proportion. One cannot go from despair to bliss in one fell swoop. Your subconscious mind is no dummy. It takes one look around your reality, checks in with how you really feel, and calls bullshit. This is one of the reasons why as of yet, I have not even set any sights on manifesting anything. The fact is, I have been in such a funk, the prospect of starting to vision, dream, or hope is just a foggy concept. The biggest manifestation I can seek to achieve from where I am is for me to be able to let go; even that can seems insurmountable. All I can hope for, or seek right now, is relief.

Yesterday was a painful day. The funny thing about pain; it is a powerful motivator. Sitting in any kind of pain causes us to seek relief, quick, like as in; get me the hell outta here! This is a magical place actually; this is where hope is born. This is the “asking” part of law of attraction. The asking for what it is you do want; happens all on its own, and like all good questions; if you tune yourself to the frequency of answers, the answers will come.  This is where self-care becomes a vital part of co-creation.  Self-care started for me today, by making some decisions.

I had planned to drive into the city and spend time with my friend Jane, who (because she is just the best friend ever) had gleefully agreed to be my birth partner and attend my hypno-birthing classes which was to be starting today. I was going to drive down to her place, have dinner, some laughs.  I was also convinced that I needed to “get some things” from my house, where my ex lives, and I don’t; anymore. One of the reasons I signed up for classes in the city, {besides being very interested in experiencing a pain free baby delivery} was that I was still hanging onto the hope that Darren was going to be there for me; that this would give us a focus and a chance to reconnect, and for him to connect with his unborn child, without the focus being on our issues. All road signs were glaring that this just was not going to happen. {Hence my bottom dropping day}

When you realize that the man you love is not going to show up for you, and his unborn child; because he has “enough to deal with” the pain in incredible; and that in turn, sends a rocket of desire launching into my immediate future that says “Make it stop!” This was the turning point, and it’s all up from there. It was time to let go. I woke up this morning, still in a fog of grief and a relatively restless night and I immediately began to question; given my realization, what choices could I make today that would be the best feeling choices? And keep me out of more harm’s way. I started to question the needs that I was attached to. Did I need to go to the city? To drive past the street I once lived on? Did I need to get those things I think I need from the house? And what would be the cost to my wellbeing and self-care.

The answers come by way of a quiet still knowing, these are the voices that we tend to muffle when we are busy trying to please or control others. Listening to self has no ego. Listening to self puts your boat back in the stream and casts it into the current of co-creation. As soon as I listened to that voice I started to feel relief.  The voice said; “really??  Do you really think it’s going to feel good to sit in a roomful of happy expectant couples while you watch the door, praying that he will show? I think not.” In fact I can just see myself collapsing into a puddle in the middle of class and needing to be carted away by white jackets.  Then it said “Do you really want to show up on his doorstep, walk into the home that you have just come to conclusion; you will never live in, or with him again? Tearfully pack a bag, search for T-shirts, socks, books and do it with some composure? Not likely.” Step number one in self-care, recognize when something doesn’t feel good, then don’t do it, even if {especially if} you are afraid you might lose the one last chance you have to retrieve what seems lost. Let it go. A great teacher once said to me, “what’s for you won’t pass by you.” Part of letting go, is trusting that this is true.

And from there, some small shifts began to occur. I decided to take my sad, sorry ass to yoga, listening that loving voice, I skipped an invite to a greasy breakfast. As I began my meditation, images began to crystalize that hadn’t been there before. Images of a future; where I had more than enough to support my 2 sons, a beautiful apartment for us, and the pug, and a new vehicle that was suitable for an infant.

For the first time, a life without my man, felt ok. I was free to pursue my passion of being a writer and a world traveller and spiritual teacher and I felt independent and hopeful about my future. And I knew the law of attraction was activating a future for me that already existed.  All I have to do is keep reaching for relief, and basking in the picture of me living in that reality, and align myself with wellbeing one little decision at a time.

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