Saturday, February 16, 2013

Day 3 Hitting bottom...

Hitting Bottom.

How do you know when you've really hit bottom?
For me bottom feels like a big sobbing pit of despair. Throw in a whole lot of anger, some self pity lots of crying; interlaced with thoughts of vengeance...and by vengeance I mean ...Maybe I will drive my car off the road and that will teach them. Then they will suffer with guilt and grief for the rest of their miserable lives.... that sort of vengeance.

Bottom makes you do and think things you wouldn't normally; like lash out at people you love. It causes the kind of poor judgement that can make things worse; as if they could get any worse, and it can get worse. This is not a place you want to hang out in too long.

I woke up this morning to another nice retaliatory email from my estranged partner. There was one glaring statement that seemed to have triggered my spiral to the bottom. For months, I have been beating my head against the wall, and by wall I mean his arsenal of passive aggressive, evasive, manipulative, underhanded, invalidation, guilt trips; and other weapons of physiological destruction that have kept any prospect of mature conflict resolution, also known as; hope of our reconciliation, in the far reaching cosmos of Neverland.

What I have realized is that dealing with a narcissistic, passive aggressive, hurt, self-obsessed male, is a bit akin to negotiating with a 4 year old in mid tantrum, or Hitler; same, same. They don't want to play. They will do and say anything to hurt you; with the deliberate intent to see you unravel into a fury so that they can say "see??  you're crazy...!"

The comment; benign as it may seem, was this: "I have enough to deal with." This statement was preceded by a whole string of self pity and accusations of my neglect of his needs and ultimate rejection of me and wanting to work things out. Those things also sent a whole stream of fire balls through my veins however, I knew there was a deep chord being struck with aforementioned statement that was different. This cruel comment triggered so much hurt and abandonment that I felt desperate and compelled to lash out. I turned my sights on my mother, who I have also been feeling quite abandoned by during this whole break up; a guilt ridden text was sent, and subsequently forwarded to my brother who then proceeded to respond to me; on my mothers behalf with a string of profanity, insults and ultimate disownment by the family. The next 2 hours were spent crying in a public bathroom stall with thoughts of vengeance running through my mind...see how quickly this can get worse?
I digress...

Its important to notice when something strikes a deep chord. Usually its an indicator that there is more there than just a reflection of this one situation; perhaps it indicates an opportunity to clear some deep albeit probably painful memories or beliefs. You want to jot those things down, the things or words or situations that really hurt and have a strange familiarity.

You are probably asking yourself  "why in the hell would I want to jot that down? Aren't we doing law of attraction here; positive thinking and all that? In fact, this chick is getting kind of depressing." Bare with me; we are, but here is where it gets tricky. Deep in the subconscious mind is carried all of your past experiences and feelings that are linked to memories. When a trauma occurs and we are sent into a state of fight/flight/or flee and small vortex or block is created within your energy field; caused by that state of resistance. Every time a similar event or feeling is triggered, the vortex gains power. Part of creating sustainable success with law of attraction, is clearing as many of those traumas as we can. Because attraction is always working, be it pain or joy that you are attracting. Whatever is vibrating the loudest and largest in your fields is attracting more of the same into your experience. Scary huh?

So, when these situations keep coming up and familiar and unpleasant feelings are triggered, it indicates that there is a program running that you are going to want to clear. Most of my male relationships (the big ones anyhow) have had this theme of total invalidation of who I am. I don't feel worthy of being loved and I will beg,  plead, kick, yell or scream to be heard, loved and validated. These sorts of behaviors often bring about an end to the relationship and my unworthiness is then reinforced. It's awesome. I completely give up my power." Love me! Love me! I'm a good girl! Look at everything I can do for you!"  This quickly turns into me getting resentful as I am looking outside for what I should be giving myself from inside. Within all of my efforts to please, there is a need and an expectation for approval; expectations BTW are the number one cause of disappointment. {I'm sure that's a real statistic}

Moving into more positive territory...I have noticed, that when I hit bottom, I simultaneously get the sense that I am on the cusp of something good. With every horrible feeling or experience, its equal and opposite; the desired experience is being hatched; from what you don't want, you are formulating and recalibrating your point of attraction in the direction of what is you do want. "My boyfriend is a selfish ass who doesn't love or appreciate me the way I want to be loved and appreciated" This thought sends a rocket of desire into your future of a loving and appreciative relationship. This is how the "asking" actually happens in the theories of law of attraction. So take comfort, that from every crappy experience, there is an asking that is happening for what it is you do want, and you don't even have to do it deliberately; although I do recommend that you turn your frequency to notice it as often as you can. The feeling I am referring to, is also known as "hope".

{If you are doing the L.O.A. test of metal with me, its time to get out a journal; you will need it for the next 60 days.}

Now I am going to tap this out... out of my experience all together! (this may take a few sessions)
Please watch this youtube EFT tutorial if you don't know what tapping is. It kind of sucks (because I didn't do it myself) but I will post a better one soon.

Using ETF I will create my set up statement:

Tapping on karate chop point: Even though, I feel awful. The man I love, really hurt me. His comments brought up painful feelings of abandonment for me. I feel totally snubbed and unloved, and irrelevant. It feels awful but I am choosing to deeply love and forgive myself now.

(A lot of tappers use "love accept myself" but I am working with "forgive myself, based on the Hawaii prayer "Ho'ono'pono'pono" which is having us recognize that we are 100% responsible for our reality and everything in it.)

Tapping through the issue on all points:

 I want to feel loved, and valued and instead I am feeling like shit. Why don't the men I love, love me? I feel less than nothing to him and it really hurts. He has enough to deal with?? really?? Our unborn child and me aren't worth his time?? There are more important things that to deal with us?? I am so hurt. I feel so ripped off and sad and angry that as usual I am the last thing he cares about.

(The idea here is to let the feeling come through, allow them to flow and validate them by saying them out loud, conjuring up your deepest painful emotions to free them, and you of them once and for all)

Hopefully by now you are crying. (I know I am) I want you to stay with the tapping until the emotions decrease in intensity. From a scale of 1 - 10, we want to get you down to at least a two or three.

Then you are ready for the new belief...

Take a deep breath and stay turned inward. Ask yourself : when was the first time you felt this way?
Just allow your mind to carry you to another situation, in early years, or adolescence when you felt the same way. WRITE IT DOWN. The memory, what happened, how you felt, your age etc... we will use it later when we get into some inner child rescues. If the picture is clear and strong, have a chat with that version of you, tell her everything is OK, and she is loved. It can't hurt.

Tapping in the new beliefs:

Starting on the karate chop: Even though I feel really shit, and I am hurt and Darren is an asshole and the men I love are always invalidating me and making me like shit about myself, I know its a lie. A lie to cover up for the fact they are big scared weak pussies; so I am going to love and accept myself even if they don't! (that feels good)

Tapping all points:
I am worthy of love, and somewhere out there is a man who is worthy of me. I just haven't met him.
He would have to be pretty amazing to be worthy of me, and that's why these weak men in my life cant get the job done. They are not worthy of me! I am lovable and beautiful and know that one day, I will attract to me the love I have been searching for. I am getting ready. I am doing my work and getting ready for that. And it will be spectacular. I will feel free, and fulfilled and have joy and abundance in that relationship. So, until then, I will love myself, honor myself and obey MYSELF!

Feels better already.... I'll do that a few more times and make you a video ;)

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