Sunday, August 18, 2013

Making choices.

There is nothing easy about the life we are experiencing here on this planet.
There is pain and happiness. There is no way to avoid the pain, not today anyway. We have to learn to use our mental abilities to consciously look for the joy within the struggle. To be able to do so is not always the default setting that most of us are programmed with. We are often conflicted with different emotions on any particular life drama. I think sometimes we look at the lives of the people around us and think, "man, if only I had that persons positive outlook... I'd be so much happier. So and so really has it all together" but as I have gone through this experience in close relationship with the women in my life who have been so unconditionally loving and supportive I realise, nobody gets off easy. It's a daily conscious mind set to "be positive" and some days are a fucking struggle. For everyone.

I think expectation is the stealer of happiness in every day moments. We expected to do better, for things to be different, finally "make it", heal that relationship, lose 20 pounds, have that loving partner, ring on finger, be a mom by such and such a date. Then I will be happy, have arrived, give myself permission to enjoy life and love myself. Expectations are the thieves of happiness. They keep us from embracing the beauty, the joy and even the suffering, and feeling the empowerment of releasing the suffering by choice in any given moment.

There is nothing like the clock watch of an impending birth to start the timer on an expectation.
There is nothing like realizing that the moment has arrived, and the dream has been left somewhere in the dust several miles back to force yourself to make the choice: to sink into disapointment, self pity or despair and rob your self of the joy that is available in that moment, or to embrace that moment for exactly what it is. A moment of truth, a moment in time, a moment to milk ever ounce from.

The day of Pax's birth came one month early to the day, and an eternity too damn late for any happy reunion. The dream of having the love and support of my partner during labor, or to share the joy of bringing a life into the world and loving that being as much as only the two people who created it can, was over.  It still hurts me to think about it, and there is a hole in my heart that is so deep with disappointment, sometimes it's hard to even breathe.

So when the moment came at 3am on May 10, that I rolled my belly out of bed to go pee as I did 100 times a night and my waters burst all over the floor I knew it was time to make that choice. I was at  home completely alone and this was my moment of truth.
First of all I reconciled for myself that my beautiful peaceful home birth was not going to happen. I knew there was a chance I wouldn't make it to full term given the stress I had been under, and I can't blame Pax one bit for wanting to get the hell out of there as soon as humanly possible.

I called my midwife, then I called and texted Jane 100 times who just happened to be out that night and I laid back in bed and cried my eyes out. Somewhere between the tears I managed to focus my watery eyes long enough to send Darren one last "fuck you" for being a selfish coward. And I let him know, I would never ever forgive him (not that he has or will ever asked me to, so its an empty threat really) I made my choice. I could do this, and nobody was going to steal this moment from me.

Friday, August 16, 2013

Better to have loved and lost....than to live with a psycho for the rest of your life

Leading up to the high speed car chase was as I described yesterday, weeks and months of futility in the retrieval my personal property from the house. After the "incident" I went home and sat down with Jane and I drew my line in the sand, that was it. No more contact. I was resolved that what I didn't have, I didn't need. If that meant me rolling my fat belly off a futon onto the floor at 8 and 9 months pregnant then so be it. I wasn't going to put myself or my baby through any more drama.

Well, OK maybe one more little itty bit of drama.

After several hours of conspiring, Jane and I decided we would make one last attempt at breaking my stuff out. Most, not all, but most of my bedroom furniture was left in the garage. And Jane being Mexican was quite convinced she could break in.

 We all know about the initial break and enter I performed, right? That time was primarily a reaction to extreme jealousy and some uncontrollable urge to feel some sense of power in a situation I was completely powerless. This break and enter? This was totally legit. I needed my stuff. We were done, finished, over, and I was having a baby and we needed a home. Everything other than my bedroom suite could wait for a judge to deal with.

Two days later, Jane and I snuck over during the day while D was at work (D not only stands for Darren, but it also stands for some other choice words that actually better describe him) D had gotten smart and taken croquette mallets and shoved them against the windows so they wouldn't slide... as if I gave a shit. Jane ran around checking all the doors and windows and I thought, no more messing around, if we're doing this, we're doing this like we mean it. I kicked the garage window in. Bam. In. Then proceeded to climb my 7 month belly through to small window into the garage onto all the broken glass. Why things had to get to this I will never, ever, fully understand. Although, I have some theories and I will regale you with them later.

The other thing the D did was unhook the power cord to the garage door switch. Smart.
So Jane and I start carrying drawers from my dresser, the dresser and anything else we can out to the car through the back door of the garage, as the cute little Dutch Gnome neighbors are in their yard are watching. We decide to pick up the pace in case they call the police and I begin to have my story formulated in my head just in case I get questioned. As Jane and I stood there staring at the dresser, and the door of the van at a complete loss as to how we were going to get it inside, Mr and Mrs Gnome come waddling across the street with smiling eyes and rosy cheeks. I braced myself, and  little man says "do you need a hand?"

Now at that moment I knew there was no way in hell they missed the screaming profanity gong show of the previous day. I made sure everyone with in 10km knew that D was a cheating lying bastard who was too cowardly to come out of the house and help his very pregnant ex move her stuff while his big ass truck sat there. He watched as I lifted boxes and chairs into a mini van, me crying my fat belly eyes out at the shear absurdity of his decision to barricade himself in the house. At one point I suggested that if this was going to be his level of maturity, he better figure how we were going fit a baby in a mail slot so he wouldn't have to come open the door. I am sure they listened while I bawled, and sat in the garage refusing to leave; engaged in a Mexican style standoff, and by stand off I mean resolved find a corner of rug to curl up on and stay there all night just to make my point. Darren would periodically come out onto the porch above me,looking to see where I was. This went on for about an hour before he finally made a break for his truck by sneaking out the front door and jumping through the bushes making his chase ensued.

But, they were pregnant and cheated on sympathizers. Thank God.

As Mr. Gnome lifted the dresser into the car through the tailgate and Mrs. Gnome commented on my big belly, which resulted in me bursting into tears with both relief that they were on my side and shame of the entire situation and my previous days very public meltdown. She just smiled and said "I know dear, men can be difficult"

I choked "difficult? ... that's not the word I would choose, but OK."

Why couldn't he just be a big man and do the right thing? I will tell you why, this is a man with so much unresolved pain he has literally broken into pieces. I am beginning to suspect that he has created alternate realities in order to process the annihilation of our relationship and our lives without having to take any responsibility. His ego says "this bitch is crazy man, so what she's pregnant, she totally did that to screw you over and take all your money. Your probably not even the Dad. She owes you man." Then he proceed to treat me as if it is so, and I get upset.. and by upset I mean go ballistic. Ego validated. The mind and the ego are powerful things, and they will protect themselves at all cost. The expression "cut off his nose to spite his face" This is the kind of downward spiral our egos will send our lives into when we leave our injured inner child to rule the day. The deeper the crevasses in the psyche, the more potential for self deception and the denial that keeps us in what Eckart Tolle describes as the pain body. The pain body unhealed is fertile ground for all kinds of fear, toxicity and mental sickness to be activated, or created by the ego as a self defense mechanism.

Lucifer was the most beautiful Angel in heaven before he fell. Marianne Williamson in her book, a Return to Love, describes the Ego as self-love turned into self- hatred. She states that "It's like a virus in the computer attacking the core system. It is our mental power turned against ourselves, and its not stupid, because we're not stupid. It doesn't come up and say "Hi, I'm yourself loathing."  It says "Hi, I'm your mature adult, rational self. I'll help you look out for number one." Then it proceeds to counsel us to look out for ourselves at the expense of others. It teaches us selfishness, greed, judgment and small-mindedness"

She goes on to say "Taking responsibility for our lives is taking responsibility for our thoughts, and thoughts separated from Love, are a profound miscreation. Most of us are sick of ourselves in one way or another, yet we cling so tenaciously to what we pray to be released from." Fearful, limiting, low self worth, paranoid, "out to screw me over" thoughts; this is not a mindset that cultivates transparency, compassion, intimacy, trust and a genuine desire that the ones we love are living the fulfilling lives they desire, even if its not your own desire. True Love = True Freedom

So here is a wounded soul, who like me and the rest of us just wants to be loved, find peace and happiness. He's not a bad person, I mean Lucifer didn't start out bad either! But when we haven't found peace (or a healthy relationship) within our own mind first, learning to bridge gap between ego and heart, filtering and interpreting fear appropriately. Fear is a powerful guide. In fact you should always LISTEN to your fear, and DO the opposite of what it tells you. Think about that for minute.

Had I done that when I met Darren, my conversation with my fear and then Darren would have gone like this:

D: Listen, I know we have been dating for a few weeks now, spent every day together, talked about babies rolled around in the sac, but I have something to tell you...
A: (Sit down, brace, Oh gawd, he's married... )
D: I have 2 kids.
A:WTF? Why didn't you tell me that before? (slight relief, kids are cool... wives not so much)
D: I'm sorry (puppy eyes, crodile tears) I never thought I would meet you (good ego stroke, con manipulation tactic) And, (insert sob story here: ..too painful...evil ex...dont see them...lies, lies, lies)
A: Ok, Im going to have a shower and process this, give me a minute.

In shower crying, feeling very decieved and dissapointed.

Fear: Ade, baby... you are sooooo happy. He's everything you wanted, and now he has kids too? Thats a good thing!... you don't want to lose this chance, love like this may never come again, everybody lies sometimes, you know it. If you walk away now... who know if you will ever find anyone like this again? Give him a chance... who do you think you are anyway?? You aren't perfect, you probably can't do better do much better...I mean, look at your love life this past 12 years... sucks right? Hey, you know now you have the upper hand, yeah... he now has to earn your trust, you can use this to feel more secure and he will have to blow lots of smoke up your ass!

A: Yeah, I hear what your saying, I am so glad you pointed it out....and it's a load of shit. I am looking at my list if criteria for "life mate" and lying right out of the gate ain't on the list.
In fact, full disclosure and transparency is. The opposite of that.
I will not only be spending the next six months looking over my shoulder wondering what and when the next, "I have to tell you something" convo is coming up to bite me in the ass. I am worthy and deserving of someone you is open and transparent and doesn't operate from this place if scarcity so deep that they lie about things that are part of who they are, IE their own children?? Who does that?
In fact I had a feeling this guy was hiding something and I just wasn't listening to or acting on it.

D: I'm sorry, (tears) I have ruined the best thing I ever had, trust means everything to me... (gives me the ol' take away... in sales that means he does it to me before I do it to him and it makes me want him more)

A: Yes, you did. Go get some counseling and deal with your "issues" around trust, cause we are done.

So, we all know how that convo really went down. I bought the sob story "puppy eyes" and guess what?? He's been a consistent scarcity monger who lies, steals, is secretive and evasive and makes shit up for fun. Shocking right?

That's how powerful listening to your fear is, but understanding the information and using it to empower you is a whole other skill set. One I am learning now.

Thursday, August 15, 2013

When enough is enough

Maybe it was the realization of how it must look to passersby to see a very pregnant woman in a minivan pursuing an F350 monster truck (compensating) in a high speed Dukes of Hazard style car chase through West Vancouver; force the truck off the road and then get out and scream man hating profanities at the driver inside. Or was it the realisation that any more of this craziness was going to send me into labor right then and there in the middle of a 15th street? Yes, that one. I think that was the moment that I realised that enough was enough. Unfortunately the damage was done and the craziness did send me into labor, two weeks later and 4 weeks early.

This is what passive aggressive stonewalling does to a person. It's emotional abuse. All I wanted was my furniture so that I could make a room for myself at Jane's house and prepare for the birth of my baby. He had chosen Hawaii (an older but lesser and more controllable woman; who fell for his sulking child routine and enabled his co-dependant self first modem operandi) over me and his unborn son and well, that was his choice. But why then does someone feel the need to be so controlling and cruel? It was months and weeks of ignored emails, ignored phone calls, only to be given vague non-committal permissions to get my property back that were never followed through on. This was then followed by false promises to deliver my things which came in incomplete pieces over several weeks, only again to be granted access to the rest, which by that point was a meaningless gesture, since I was too big to move and to broke to hire a mover. This is what finally lead to a buildup of rage so big; topped up by a hormonal stew of needs and emotions that were not being met, that sent me on a one way ticket to crazy town. He is a playground bully. He plays keep away with the ball and torments you until you lose your shit and end up in trouble for sacking him one in the nuts. If only I got the satisfaction of that.

I think we all know by now that I never gave up hope. I may not have always taken the right approach. I let him get to me and my inner child reacted with perverbial nut sacking every time.
I now believe the only approach that might have worked with him would have been "submissive martyr". Stop laughing, that could happen. I never gave up because although I am a free spirit with trucker mouth, I am a traditional girl in some senses. I was having a baby, and I loved this man once, and I couldn't believe that there wasn't a family, or anything else left to fight for.

I was just having a picnic with my mom, sister in law and Jane and all the kids yesterday and it came up that no one really got to know Darren very well because he always had his tongue down my throat. Its hard to talk to people when your tongue is down someones throat FYI. We were crazy about each other and everything and everyone else in the world disappeared when we were together, which was all the time. That's the part I worry I will never get over. We were like 90% perfect, until we weren't.

What I realize now, as I am learning to let go of someone I thought was going to be my partner in crime for life, is that possibilities and potentialities are always coming and going. The universe is always opening and closing doors to healing, expansion and growth. But one has to recognize them, take control of our thoughts and deliberately create the love we seek; walk through the door so to speak. After I sold the nail shop last year, I was on a path to put my life to Gods good use. I was breaking out of the confines of what success looks like and defining my life in terms of fulfillment and purpose, not prestige and bottom line. I was ready to blow the doors off the old programs and paradigms that had been governing my life. To someone with deep seated control issues like D it was just too much. We stood on the precipice together and I could see that spark in him that was getting it, the law of attraction, the higher calling, but when we counted to three; I was the only one who jumped. It was like failure to launch. That was his turning point to take the journey with me or retreated back into fear; the ego's weapon of choice. That's where the downward spiral began. I was just moving too fast for his underdeveloped pineal gland, and his fearful inner child felt abandoned and became pissed off at my nonconformity. And so, he set out on a mission to regain control of me or blow our lives up all together. It was a "inner child Hitler" conducting a relationship holocaust. And he was successful, at least as successful as a holocaust can be.

There have been opportunities along the way this past nine months to get back in step, but for one reason or another, I zigged when he zagged.
Let's face it though, even if we had gotten back in step, and as much as its my mission right now to learn to forgive, I wouldn't ever be able to trust. And those are two different things.

Jada Prinket Smith just posted recently about our traumatised inner child and I believe this is what we come up against in mid life. The more trauma we endure, and negative beliefs, pain, paradigms, patterns or failed relationships we accumulate and fail to heal by not taking 100% responsibilty the more toxic and in disrepair our lives can become. But it's always your choice to tame the beast (the ego) or be devoured.

A letter to a friend:

Our conversation last night made it clear that most of us wear adult faces, but we are actually stuck in our childhood traumas. Some of us demand that our needs be met as if every encounter with the world is a reenactment of encountering the childhood peers who terrorized us or parents who didn't give us enough. The sad part is that most of us don't know that we are ope...rating from these hungry, angry and very demanding emotional wells which create drama in our adult lives. Many have claimed this stage of reckoning with our youthful beliefs and traumas in our late 30s, early 40s as a midlife crisis. It's called a crisis, I suppose, because our youthful beliefs are no longer servicing nor creating the lives we want, and now we are forced to decide whether we want to acquire an adult mind and it skills to lead us, or remain…"youthful". I'd rather not call this particular stage a crisis but rather an opportunity for the ultimate liberation which possibly…either choice could deliver. The beauty is… this is your life to create however you choose.

Be fearless.


Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Don't worry, its gets worse before it gets better... I promise.

I was just glancing back over some of my posts. Truthfully, most of them are just too painful to read. Who do I think I am anyways... Dido?
Then I realised that everyone has a letting go process. The trouble for me, and probably the reason this pain has dragged on so long is; I never had any intention of letting go at all. My intentions all along were to take a break, regroup, shake it off, learn some lessons in love and transform my relationship before the baby came. Because I am just that powerful...I can turn this around! The trouble of course is that two people need to be on that page, and when the other one has his head firmly planted up his ass, or as the case turned out, someone else's ass, it makes things a little more difficult. It turns out in fact that his head had been there since before I had ever left. Shocking right? I know. I just found that out last week. #shock#emotionaltrauma#setback
Let me tell you though shes a lucky girl... and she can have him 'cause this guy is a real catch, and its only the beginning of the things that I would find out that completely blew my mind.
I was reminded of a conversation I had years ago with a good friend who was a drug and alcohol recovery counselor. I was beginning to question what was happening to my marriage to Shawn's dad. Strange behavior, things not adding up, disappearing (including him) and this friend said to me, "Ade, whatever you think, or suspect, times that by ten and you probably are closer to the truth." Turns out my ex husband had been harboring a serious drug problem for 2 years, and the lying and manipulation was so good, I was beginning to think I was going crazy. It's kind of like that.

I am going to spend the next few posts probably bouncing around a bit.
I have to get you all caught up on the goings on over the past four months.
It will read somewhat like this #cheater#prematurebirth #Pax#breakandenter(yes again)#birthing #thief#Angels#liar#beautifulbaby#motherhood#deadbeat#mentalhealthissues(no... not mine)#emotionaltrauma#boxedredwine#faith#universalsupport#divinetiming#bestfriends##moreangels#adavanismyfriend#stealing#carchase#makingfriendswiththeex#awkward#morelying#truthrevealed#completefuckingshock

Have faith, dear readers. It may seem as though its all gone Pete Tong, but there have been more miracles than I can even count, and you will laugh and cry and cheer, and think to yourself once again "yikes, better her than me!" I promise.
"You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find.. you get what you need" -Mick